Golf Jokes Master Thread

[WWBDD]

Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the first tee of their favourite resort to find Ron waiting there driver in hand.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I drove up last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing lingerie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Apparently she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

[Sandbagger0ne]

Subject: Fwd: Ten Best Caddy Responses . .

Number: 10

Golfer:    "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy:    "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number: 9
Golfer:    "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy:    "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number: 8

Golfer:    "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy:    "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number: 7

Golfer:    "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy:    "Eventually."

Number: 6

Golfer:    "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy:    "I don't think so . . . . That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number: 5

Golfer:    "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy:    "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number: 4

Golfer:    "How do you like my game?"

Caddy:    "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number: 3

Golfer:    "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy:    "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number: 2

Golfer:    "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy:    "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

And the Number: 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer:    "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy:    "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[dfreuter415]

What is the difference between a bad sky diver and a bad golfer.

The bad golfer goes WHACK, "Oh damn."

The bad sky diver goes, "Oh damn," WHACK.

[Hardballs]

Every time I walk into the clubhouse this guy walks over and swings his club right between my legs!.... He's driving me nuts!!

[Ernest Jones]

Guy comes home from golf.

His wife says, "how was it?"

He hauls off and slaps her.

She say, "what the hell???" while clutching her face.

Guy says, "I dunno, I'm hitting everything fat today."

By the way, there is an enormous joke thread on here somewhere already. Pretty sure this will all get merged.

[chip n run]

Sam : hey Bob, how in the heck did you get an 8 on the 4th hole ?

Bob : I missed a tap in for a 7

[David in FL]

Guy comes home from golf. His wife says, "how was it?" He hauls off and slaps her. She say, "what the hell???" while clutching her face. Guy says, "I dunno, I'm hitting everything fat today." By the way, there is an enormous joke thread on here somewhere already. Pretty sure this will all get merged.

My wife heard me laughing and asked what was so funny. I told her the sky diver joke. If I'd have told her that it was really this one, I'd be on my way up there to sleep on your couch!

[boogielicious]

My wife heard me laughing and asked what was so funny. I told her the sky diver joke. If I'd have told her that it was really this one, I'd be on my way up there to sleep on your couch!

Me too!

[Ernest Jones]

[quote name="Ernest Jones" url="/t/36/golf-jokes-master-thread/270#post_917525"]Guy comes home from golf. His wife says, "how was it?" He hauls off and slaps her. She say, "what the hell???" while clutching her face. Guy says, "I dunno, I'm hitting everything fat today." By the way, there is an enormous joke thread on here somewhere already. Pretty sure this will all get merged.

My wife heard me laughing and asked what was so funny. I told her the sky diver joke. If I'd have told her that it was really this one, I'd be on my way up there to sleep on your couch![/quote] [quote name="boogielicious" url="/t/36/golf-jokes-master-thread/200_100#post_917654"][QUOTE name="David in FL" url="/t/36/golf-jokes-master-thread/270#post_917596"] My wife heard me laughing and asked what was so funny. I told her the sky diver joke. If I'd have told her that it was really this one, I'd be on my way up there to sleep on your couch![/QUOTE] Me too! [/quote] I have a couch in living room, one in the basement/den and a spare room. Gotcha covered. Bros before hoes. ;-)

[Hardballs]

A guys playing golf with his wife, he drives the ball with a bit of a hook and it goes left into some rough, then his wife drives off and she hits an enormous slice into a forest of trees on the right, they walk off in separate directions, the man eventually finds his ball and hits back onto the fairway, he walks over to the trees to help his wife but can't see her, he wanders further in but she's nowhere to be seen! Finally he thinks oh well, I'll go round on my own and ill surely bump into her. After a couple more holes he catches up to another single guy and says, hey dya mind if I join you? I don't really like playing on my own! The guy says, sure, I was playing with my wife but I lost her back there in the trees! The man says, jeez! What a coincidence, that's exactly what happened to me! Tell ya what, he says, you describe your wife to me, I'll describe mine and we'll keep a look out for them together! The man says, ok, well she's slim, size8, long blonde hair, olive skin, wearing the shortest of miniskirts with knee length socks and she got 40DD breasts and a skintight vest on! The guy says, right let's go! The man says, what's yours look like? .."oh never mind mine, he says, ..let's just go and find yours!

[rehmwa]

Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, when they began to discuss the possibility of playing golf on Christmas.

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up Christmas morning and, without getting into an argument with his wife, go directly to the golf course to play a round with his three buddies.

All three chimed in, "Let's do it! We'll each figure out a way and meet here Christmas morning."

When Christmas morning arrives, as planned the four of them meet on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! My wife can't take her eyes off of the diamond ring I had to buy her."

Number two guy sighs, "My wife is at home planning our cruise. When I last saw her, she was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Golfer number three shakes his head, "Well, my wife is at home reading the manual for her new car."

They all turned to the last guy in the group, who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. He exclaims, "I can't believe this golf game was so expensive for all of you. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf." She told me, "Take a sweater."

[Lihu]

Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, when they began to discuss the possibility of playing golf on Christmas.

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up Christmas morning and, without getting into an argument with his wife, go directly to the golf course to play a round with his three buddies.

All three chimed in, "Let's do it! We'll each figure out a way and meet here Christmas morning."

When Christmas morning arrives, as planned the four of them meet on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! My wife can't take her eyes off of the diamond ring I had to buy her."

Number two guy sighs, "My wife is at home planning our cruise. When I last saw her, she was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Golfer number three shakes his head, "Well, my wife is at home reading the manual for her new car."

They all turned to the last guy in the group, who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. He exclaims, "I can't believe this golf game was so expensive for all of you. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf." She told me, "Take a sweater."

Good one!

[GolfClubbas]

anybody know any good golf jokes, cause the only one i know is: whats the difference between Santa and tiger woods? Santa stops at 3 hoes HEEHEEHAWHAWHAW nooo.

[dkolo]

anybody know any good golf jokes, cause the only one i know is: whats the difference between Santa and tiger woods? Santa stops at 3 hoes HEEHEEHAWHAWHAW nooo.

Please see the following thread: http://thesandtrap.com/t/36/golf-jokes-master-thread Also, it's been like 7 years already. The Tiger cheating jokes are played out.

[ryan772]

A rabbi, a priest, and a pastor were on the golf course and they are arguing about how much of the tithe should go to god. The rabbi says" well let's draw a circle in the bunker, throw up all the tither and whatever lands inside the circle we will give to god" The priest says" how about we throw it up and whatever lands outside the circle we will give to god" The pastor shakes his head and says" how about we throw all the tithe up, and whatever god wants he will grab.

[jsgolfer]

Didn't read everyone going back but an English buddy of mine told me the following joke:

Donald Trump is getting ready to play the Old Course at St. Andrews and demands to have the best caddie.  The caddie master tells the Donald that the best caddie is a heavy drinker and a bad time keeper.  Donald says I want the best caddie.  Of course the caddie isn't there when the Donald wants to hit balls at the range and is getting madder and madder wondering where his damn caddie is at.  Just as the Donald is teeing it up, the caddie comes strolling up to the tee, the Donald being pissed takes a mighty whack at the ball, hit's it on the heel between his legs to about 20 feet from the pin on the 18th green.  Donald is about to blow a gasket when the caddie says "Never mind sir, one good putt in you're in for a round of 2"

[JonMA1]

How men and women record things in their diaries.

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt .. who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

[madmike75]

 

Here is the Table of Contents from my new book: "Winning Golf Strategies,"

which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips

and insider information that I have gained through my own years

of experience in the game and observations of golfing partners.



Table of Contents:



Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt



Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee



Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker



Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank



Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger



Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings



Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management



Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.



Chapter 9 - How to Urinate Behind a 4" x 4" Post Un detected.



Chapter 10 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round



Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water



Chapter 12 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th.



Chapter 13 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome



Chapter 14 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee



Chapter 15 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent



Chapter 16 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt



Chapter 17 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever



Chapter 18 - Use a Strong Grip on the Hand Wedge and a Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.



Chapter 19 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 A Beer from a hot Cart Girl and Give Her A $3 Tip, but Will Balk At $3.50 at the 19th Hole And then Stiff the Bartender . . . . . . .



Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy.

Love it.