Shut up shut up shutupshutupshutup!

I am not one of the World's Great Golfers. I took up the game not too long ago, in my 40's, and that is not a good combination for anyone looking to achieve instant stardom on the links. Or at least that's what I tell myself.

But I love it and work really really hard at improving. I enjoy practicing - always have, no matter what sport I've been involved in - and I'm at least *marginally* better than I was when I started. My big holdup is that I have no actual turf to practice on; the driving range near me only has artifical mats, and I hit off a Vijay Singh "THE Golf Mat" into a net when I'm home (it's that or the hardpan underneath). So a lot of my course problems center around my unfamiliarity with hitting off real grass, odd as that sounds.

I little while ago I saved up my $$ and sprang for what (to me) was a very expensive lesson at a well regarded local school (The David Glenz Golf Academy). It was a very intense hour with a terrific instructor, and I really got a lot out of it. 'Nuff said.

I then booked a twilight tee time for the next day at the course attached to the school (Black Bear GC) so I could see how those lessons held up during game play. They let me go solo, last person off, so I could work on my game and not hold up anyone behind.

I loved it!

For 4 holes.

If you've never been to the hill country of northwestern NJ you probably have no idea how beautiful it is out here. Much of this course looks out over wooded valleys and lakes, with hawks and eagles soaring overhead. The name "Black Bear" is not a whimsical misnomer either; bruins are common enough that there are local rules regarding what do if one eats your ball (" run, no penalty ").

This was my first time playing that course. Although it's only 10 minutes from my house, and I look out over those very same hills every day, it still struck me as particularly gorgeous right from the first tee box.

In addition, the lesson I took the day before really helped. It was a lot of basic stuff that needed tweaking: my grip a bit, my alignment a bit more, my ball position. All those little things that make a big difference ultimately. And I was really concentrating on the drills he gave me to stop hitting fat. I was having a blast working on it all from tee to green.

And then... and then .....

While I was playing the fourth hole I noticed some guy was catching up to me. He was a walk-on who started a bit after me, but was playing way faster and bearing down rapidly. So on the 5th tee box I stood off to the side until he arrived, to let him play through. He asked me if I'd like to join him but I politely declined, explaining that I wanted specifically to work on my game, and besides I'd only hold him back since I'm relatively new to the sport.

"You're in luck" he says. "I'm an instructor over at Rolling Greens GC, and I'll be happy to give you tips as we go along. C'mon, I insist."

What could I say? You don't want to seem impolite when someone makes a generous offer like that. As much as I wanted to play alone, I said "OK". I mean, who knows, maybe his tips would pay off as much as my previous lessons did.

Nope.

The guy drove me up a friggen' wall.

Don't get me wrong. He was a nice enough person.

But he would. not. shut. the. f. up.

Right from the very second I said "OK" he started detailing his studies of swing theories, how he is making a swing change himself patterned after Hogan's, how every inch of the takeaway and backswing should look if it's on plane, how... yak yak yak yak yak . He had just purchased a heavy-head training aid driver (the Momentus) and insisted on showing me how useful it was by teeing up two balls at every hole (other than the par-3's), hitting one ball with the trainer and then one with his regular Calloway, stopping to stress the importance of smooth rhythm after each. I got a full excrutiating analysis of every single iron swing he made. If it was a bad shot he took EXTRA time to explain why the flaw had occured.

One area of my game that I'm actually somewhat mediocre at (as opposed to pathetic) is putting. I don't know why it is, but that's a strong suit for me. It may take me 1,128 strokes to get there, but once I'm on the green I can often find the hole faster than my iron play might lead you to believe. Chalk it up to lots of practice on my living room rug, a putter I can line up easily, a cross-handed grip I'm comfy with, and paying attention to keeping my head down until I'm sure the ball is well away. I have an iron-clad, never varying pre-putt routine that gets me mentally "settled" to make the stroke. I also don't waste time doing it. Kudos to me.

But of course, two holes into our pairing, Mr. Pro starts drilling me on the importance of developing a pre-putt routine, of gripping the putter correctly and making sure I'm lined up, and of not jerking my head up as I'm making the stroke.

I had just out putted him the previous two holes, getting in in one stroke to his three on Hole 5, and two strokes to his three on Hole 6. On the green at Hole 7 he decided to give me the lesson. Since I was obviously messing up.

Granted, the guy was not a bad player. He hit some great iron shots, a few nice tee shots with that weighted training club, and one really spectacular save from the crook of a tree root by facing away from the hole and swinging his club backwards.

But...he was annoying as hell. All his tips seemed to be concerned with HIS game, and what I could take away from it. Even when I did things well, like putting ( or the couple of times I out drove him with my 3-wood off the tee, which he chalked up to adjusting to his new "Hogan swing" ) were subject to long dissertations about what current swing theorists thought regarding them.

To compound things, on the 8th Hole ANOTHER solo walk-up caught up to us (not hard to do, since every swing of his or mine entailed a 5 minute post-shot monologue). THIS guy was as talkative as the Pro...but didn't know what the f*ck he was talking about at all . He had read all the magazines, seen every episode of "Playing Lessons with the Pros" and overheard all the instructors giving lessons to the guys in the stalls next to him at the range. So even though he couldn't hit an iron into the Space Shuttle hanger from 10 yards out, he knew EXACTLY what he, Pro and I needed to do on every shot. And he let us know them. " See, I pulled that shot because my left knee broke down as I made the transition to my downswing and that made me lose lag as I.. .."

GAAAHHH!

The Pro, meanwhile, was thrilled to have someone he could correct at every sentence. After each shot they would go back and forth with their analysis, offering competing theories and drills to correct the mistakes they'd diagnosed.

I was going silently out of my mind.

I couldn't concentrate on what I'd come to work on. The pace had slowed to a painful, arthritic crawl because of all the torturous "lessons". I couldn't even enjoy the sheer physical beauty of the course BECAUSE IT GOT TOO DARK TO SEE IT BY THE 11TH HOLE!


(Funny thing - they decided to play the 11th anyway, a par 3. It's a steep drop from the tee to the green, 150-ish yards long, but a good 50 yard drop. I couldn't see the green from the tee box because it was just too dark. In fact, I almost couldn't see the ball on the tee! So I concentrated on just making a smooth swing, and nothing else. The ball was lost in the gloom as soon as it left the clubface. When we got to the green it was 20 feet from the pin - easily the best tee shot I've ever hit at a par 3 in my life. My two partners were both in the front bunker. I hope I can always concentrate on just swinging smoothly now, even in daylight....)

Then to cap it off, rather than go back to the clubhouse they stood there and jawed about MORE swing theory, mechanics, mental drills, course management, shot selection, and god what else for another half an hour in the pitch black! I finally excused myself and returned to the parking lot alone, thanking them first for the education they so generously bestowed on me.

But I was FURIOUS inside. I didn't play badly. In fact by my mental calculations Mr. Pro only beat me by a few strokes over the 6 holes we were together, and I spanked Mr. Know-It-All. But I didn't get to do what I'd come to do: concentrate on making my lesson stick, and enjoying a nice course at the same time. And that was very, very important to me.

Now I'm a very easy going, gregarious guy (you don't find many sullen misanthropic introverts going into radio, after all). But even my otherwise outgoing friendliness was sorely tested by this experience because I didn't want to seem impolite. After all, I'm still relatively new to the game and don't want to be accused of "unsporting" behavior towards more established players who generously offer tutelage.

Ok, rant over.

Any of you guys/gals had similar experiences? Got tips about how to ditch an undesirable partner without seeming like an ungrateful prick? I really don't want to go through a round like that ever again....

Thanks!

Very nice Rant. The talking gets to all of us, but in the end, that is why we are at a message board. For talking about golf. It is a social sport. Congrats on picking up the addiction...I mean game of golf.

Lol...thanks, Josh. Yeah, I feel better already. Very therapeutic, being able to vent to friendly strangers

poor you! But a very well told story. Better luck next time.

This might be one of the best rants I've ever read!

I can't recall ever having an experience quite like that but I would tell Mr. Know-It-All and Mr. Pro (or other undesirables) next time that I am working with my pro and that while I appreciate their tips, we've set up a plan that I would like to follow. Get a business card from the pro and "promise to call if things don't work out with your current instructor" and hopefully he'll shut his yap. If not, get out your cell phone and act like you need to make a call and hopefully the undesirables will get fed up with you and just go ahead.

This might be one of the greatest golf lines ever.

Wow!! tell us what you really think!! lol nice post I totally understand where you are coming from.

Slap me thrice and hand me back to my momma! That story was hysterical. I have the opposite problem. My cousin is learning the game and he, for the life of him, doesnt stop asking for advice and swing tips while we're playing. You're story takes the cake though...it was pretty damn funny...

Yeah man - I had a similar thing happen to me 2 years ago - truly infuriating. I've always been a proponent of not giving advice unless its asked for...which in your case you made quite clear you wanted to be alone.

The only difference between your experience and mine was that at least yours was some sort of 'instructor' and the guy that caught up with me certainly was not (though he kept trying to give me pointers anyway). After 3 holes with the guy, I jumped and said "OOPS! I dropped my wedge back there somewhere! Go on without me if I never catch up!" turned around and jumped to other holes via a crossover - thankfully, I haven't seen him since.

I'm sorry to hear that you had a bad experience with those guys. It happens from time-to-time. It seems like a lot of guys get down to around a 10 handicap and all of a sudden they become Hank Haney or Butch Harmon and can analyze any ones swing etc etc. Just smile at them and nod your head. Deep inside you know they're full of sh*t.

I will admit that I have a bit of a problem with the over analyzation myself. However, I don't offer tips to my playing partners. I choose no to do so for two reasons, 1) I am not in a position to offer tips to people I don't know. It's rude and not my place. I prefer to let people play thier own games and if they ask for my advice, I will share in the most simplistic, understandable way. 2) I generally want to win, and by helping my opposition, I am only hurting myself. I understand that golf is a game played against par rather than opponents, but I do find it rewarding to play with someone new of equal ability and absolutely wreck them.

With that being said, next time you're playing alone and someone tries to join politely decline and tell them you are practicing and that you would only hold them up. Don't offer any more infromation than you have to because it may adversly spark an intrest in them, such as Mr. Pro. I experience this often where I play. I prefer to play alone, not because I'm an introvert, but because I practice when I play. It's hard for me to focus when I'm distracted by someone else poor play or constant yapping. If someone wants to join me, I just say no. I'm not rude necessarily, but I am rather blunt about it.

Good luck to you in the future and keep working hard.

No and I hope I never do. I have to listen to my partner analyze every shot of his half the time.

I bolded the part the that tells me the guy is a phony.

Hey Al, thanks for the advice - that sounds like a go! And I'm glad you got a kick out of my little blast of indignation

D'oh! You mean I spent all that time soaking up his blather, and he was a PHONY?!

Dammit, next time I'm taking you with me as a wing man, Mike!! Thanks for that

What an awesome post to read for my first of the day! Great thread title as well.

That (partial) round sounds like my own personal hell. I've never experienced anything like that, but if it happens I don't think I could tolerate it as well as you did. The constant bs'ing would be bad enough on its own, but the fact that you weren't able to finish because of it...yeah I would have had to find some way to separate from them. Fake a seizure, start pretending to talk to a voice in my head - anything lol.

I had that experience twice in the past 2 weeks. one guy was a teaching pro.
the other guy was just a scratch golfer. they kept on telling me why things happen (as if I don't know why a slice happens). Then 1 was like you're a great student..you listen and apply what i say and you have good shots.... like he was taking credit for the hard work i've put in the past 19 months of playing this game. BUT he had 1 tip that's helped....i try to keep my head down an extra count of 1 and my ball striking's been much better...and my distance that I felt was robbed since I went to rifle shafts is back... I can finally get a PW to go from 90 - 120 again!

Great rant! That made me laugh this morning. Not AT you, of course. But, I'm laughing WITH you. (Well, I hope your laughing now.)

Your writing was so well, I felt like I was there with you. I sympathize with your troubles. hopefully you'll get a chance soon to get back out to the course without those distractions.

Maybe try the trick my sister uses when she wants to get a drink at a bar without distractions: She puts those little ear-buds from an iPod or Cd player in, even though she doesn't have an iPod. She just tucks the loose end into her pocket. It usually keeps the weirdos at bay since they think she can't hear them over her "music".

Although I do like the idea of asking for a business card. I'm going to keep that one in mind.

Hey guys, I wanted to thank you all for taking the time to comment and/or offer advice! I appreciate the terrific input you've given, even if I don't have time to respond to each one (at work right now).

Thanks again!!

Tom

I'd have told him thanks, but I just had a lesson and I'm working on what was covered there, and I'd rather not deal with anything more at the moment. If he still insisted, then I'd tell him no thank you again, I don't need the added confusion of suggestions from 2 different teachers. If he still didn't get the hint, then I'd get irritated, and tell him to please go on and leave me to myself. One thing any good instructor will tell you is not to take tips from anyone else while you are working with him. All that will do is just screw up what he is trying to teach you.

Happy to do it and I don't have much trouble getting people to change their minds about wanting to be around me