Driver - So far that you wouldn't want your wife to see me hit it.
3+ Wood - You'd get tired and have to sit down while walking to my ball.
1 Iron - Wooden tees catch fire like match heads even when I lay off.
2 Iron - If you look at the ground after I hit, you can find the little plastic letters and numbers from the ball.
3 Iron - Used this when I hit my 182nd hole in one yesterday, par 6, 783 yards, back pin, head wind screaming like a flaming eagle.
4 Iron - I swung this and a guy eating lunch shit himself.
5 Iron - Not very far (340-360) because I removed the grip and shaft so I can just swing the club head in my palm.
6 Iron - I once swung hard and hit a ball back in time.
7 Iron - If the zombie apocalypse broke out, all I'd need is a 7 iron and a bucket of balls - BOOM HEAD SHOT.
8 Iron - I can hit it on the green of any local course - from the pavement of my driveway.
9 Iron - Had my 9 iron bent to 180* so I could play left and right handed at the same time.
PW - 289, every single time. 2-8-9.
GW - 279, every single time, 2-7-9
SW - I swing in the trap and diamonds come flying out
84* - 150 with 1/10th swing (all I every need)
Putter - I can beat you with only my putter in my bag (and a telescoping ball retriever so we can fetch your mishits).
Umbrella - 120 Yards.
Basically, on the par 3's, I'm 84*, maybe putter. Par 4's, 7 Iron, Putter, Par 5's, 5 Iron, umbrella, putter.
I'd go on the tour but I'm too busy posting my numbers on the internet to play.