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Golf Jokes Master Thread - Page 16

post #271 of 282

Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the first tee of their favourite resort to find Ron waiting there driver in hand.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I drove up last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing lingerie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Apparently she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

post #272 of 282

Anybody have any good golf jokes I can use?

Subject: Fwd: Ten Best Caddy Responses . .

 

Number: 10 

Golfer:    "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy:    "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
         
Number: 9
Golfer:    "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy:    "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
           
Number: 8

Golfer:    "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy:    "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
           
Number: 7

Golfer:    "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy:    "Eventually."
           
Number: 6

Golfer:    "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy:    "I don't think so . . . . That would be too much of a coincidence." 

Number: 5

Golfer:    "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy:    "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
         
Number: 4

Golfer:    "How do you like my game?"

Caddy:    "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."
         
Number: 3

Golfer:    "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?

Caddy:    "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
         
Number: 2

Golfer:    "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy:    "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."
           
And the Number: 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:

Golfer:    "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy:    "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

post #273 of 282

What is the difference between a bad sky diver and a bad golfer.

 

The bad golfer goes WHACK, "Oh damn."

 

The bad sky diver goes, "Oh damn," WHACK.

post #274 of 282
Every time I walk into the clubhouse this guy walks over and swings his club right between my legs!.... He's driving me nuts!!
post #275 of 282

Guy comes home from golf.

 

His wife says, "how was it?"

 

He hauls off and slaps her.

 

She say, "what the hell???" while clutching her face.

 

Guy says, "I dunno, I'm hitting everything fat today."

 

 

 

 

 

By the way, there is an enormous joke thread on here somewhere already. Pretty sure this will all get merged.

post #276 of 282

Sam : hey Bob, how in the heck did you get an 8 on the 4th hole ?

 

Bob : I missed a tap in for a 7

post #277 of 282
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ernest Jones View Post

Guy comes home from golf.

His wife says, "how was it?"

He hauls off and slaps her.

She say, "what the hell???" while clutching her face.

Guy says, "I dunno, I'm hitting everything fat today."





By the way, there is an enormous joke thread on here somewhere already. Pretty sure this will all get merged.

My wife heard me laughing and asked what was so funny. I told her the sky diver joke. If I'd have told her that it was really this one, I'd be on my way up there to sleep on your couch!
post #278 of 282
Quote:
Originally Posted by David in FL View Post


My wife heard me laughing and asked what was so funny. I told her the sky diver joke. If I'd have told her that it was really this one, I'd be on my way up there to sleep on your couch!

Me too!

post #279 of 282
Quote:
Originally Posted by David in FL View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ernest Jones View Post

Guy comes home from golf.

His wife says, "how was it?"

He hauls off and slaps her.

She say, "what the hell???" while clutching her face.

Guy says, "I dunno, I'm hitting everything fat today."





By the way, there is an enormous joke thread on here somewhere already. Pretty sure this will all get merged.

My wife heard me laughing and asked what was so funny. I told her the sky diver joke. If I'd have told her that it was really this one, I'd be on my way up there to sleep on your couch!

Quote:
Originally Posted by boogielicious View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by David in FL View Post

My wife heard me laughing and asked what was so funny. I told her the sky diver joke. If I'd have told her that it was really this one, I'd be on my way up there to sleep on your couch!
Me too!

I have a couch in living room, one in the basement/den and a spare room. Gotcha covered.

Bros before hoes. a2_wink.gif
post #280 of 282
A guys playing golf with his wife, he drives the ball with a bit of a hook and it goes left into some rough, then his wife drives off and she hits an enormous slice into a forest of trees on the right, they walk off in separate directions, the man eventually finds his ball and hits back onto the fairway, he walks over to the trees to help his wife but can't see her, he wanders further in but she's nowhere to be seen! Finally he thinks oh well, I'll go round on my own and ill surely bump into her.
After a couple more holes he catches up to another single guy and says, hey dya mind if I join you? I don't really like playing on my own!
The guy says, sure, I was playing with my wife but I lost her back there in the trees!
The man says, jeez! What a coincidence, that's exactly what happened to me! Tell ya what, he says, you describe your wife to me, I'll describe mine and we'll keep a look out for them together!
The man says, ok, well she's slim, size8, long blonde hair, olive skin, wearing the shortest of miniskirts with knee length socks and she got 40DD breasts and a skintight vest on!
The guy says, right let's go!
The man says, what's yours look like?
.."oh never mind mine, he says, ..let's just go and find yours!
post #281 of 282

Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, when they began to discuss the possibility of playing golf on Christmas.

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up Christmas morning and, without getting into an argument with his wife, go directly to the golf course to play a round with his three buddies.

All three chimed in, "Let's do it! We'll each figure out a way and meet here Christmas morning."

When Christmas morning arrives, as planned the four of them meet on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! My wife can't take her eyes off of the diamond ring I had to buy her."

Number two guy sighs, "My wife is at home planning our cruise. When I last saw her, she was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Golfer number three shakes his head, "Well, my wife is at home reading the manual for her new car."

They all turned to the last guy in the group, who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. He exclaims, "I can't believe this golf game was so expensive for all of you. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf." She told me, "Take a sweater."

post #282 of 282
Quote:
Originally Posted by rehmwa View Post
 

Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, when they began to discuss the possibility of playing golf on Christmas.

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up Christmas morning and, without getting into an argument with his wife, go directly to the golf course to play a round with his three buddies.

All three chimed in, "Let's do it! We'll each figure out a way and meet here Christmas morning."

When Christmas morning arrives, as planned the four of them meet on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! My wife can't take her eyes off of the diamond ring I had to buy her."

Number two guy sighs, "My wife is at home planning our cruise. When I last saw her, she was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Golfer number three shakes his head, "Well, my wife is at home reading the manual for her new car."

They all turned to the last guy in the group, who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. He exclaims, "I can't believe this golf game was so expensive for all of you. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf." She told me, "Take a sweater."

 

:-D:-D:-D

 

Good one! :beer:

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