Husband Chooses Golf Over Marriage

[CarlSpackler]

@Lonely one,

Something else that I feel compelled to mention. Golf is VERY addictive. If your husband has been bitten by the bug, he will crave golf like a crack addict looking for a hit. The good news is that he will eventually realize that this game is hard and should become slightly less interested until he hits a really good drive or makes a hole-in-one. At that point, he will be hooked all over again.

[iacas]

I'm still in on the title saying it all. He made his choice.

Now it's up to the OP to make hers.

[krupa]

For what it's worth, the OP has a problem with the husband's behavior.  It doesn't matter whether it's golf or drugs or anything else.  She brought it up and the husband didn't respond positively. Maybe hubby is just using golf to avoid something at home, maybe he's just that selfish.  Maybe the OP presented her position poorly and hubby thinks she wants him to completely give up the game.

If the OP wants the marriage to work, they need to go to a qualified counselor.

To give an example of miscommunication, one day we put an old TV on the curb for free.  Eventually a guy pulls over and looks it over.  My wife yells from upstairs "GO TELL THAT GUY THAT THE TV WORKS." 

As I'm putting on shoes, the guy takes the TV and drives away.  My wife comes down and says, "I asked you to go talk to that guy." 

I said, "No you didn't." 

She said, "Yes I did, I said 'go tell him the TV works'!"  

I'm a pretty mellow guy and I've been with my wife a long time and know that what comes out of her mouth isn't always exactly what she means.  Not everyone picks up on stuff like that.

 

[p1n9183]

6 minutes ago, krupa said:

If the OP wants the marriage to work, they need to go to a qualified counselor.

You need 2 people for a marriage to work, if she is alone is not going to happen.
In the other hand, he don´t have time to properly date her wife, why would he make time to go to a counselor?

[Lihu]

On 8/4/2019 at 9:21 AM, Lonely one said:

Are there any ladies out there that are going through something similar?  I could really use some advice on how to save my marriage.  I love that my husband has his hobbies but it's gotten to a point where I totally feel left out, he golfs at 3-4 times weekly, including every Saturday, not to mention he works nights but still has the energy to go play golf.  I feel like we live separate lives.  We went to dinner for the first time in months and it did not go very well, as there was such a disconnect between us.. I'm not trying to stop him from playing, I just, idk. He plays with his employees or his boss a lot of times. And other friends of his, they all see my husband more than I do. No told him I would like to learn to play but that didn't go over very well.  I just want time for US too.  Help!

Learning to play golf would only be good if you really like it. It’s one of those things people obsess over until they get to a certain level.

I played a lot with my kids when they were growing up. My wife always went to the course then went shopping with her friend who’s the mom of my kids’ golf partners.

Once your husband gets to a point where he’s not obsessed all the time, you should have more time together.

I was obsessed like him for 5 years and now enjoy hiking with my wife and playing once a week or every other week. Hit the driving range between 1-4 times a week just to socialize a bit if my wife is with her friends.

It’s not likely going to be this way forever...

[p1n9183]

4 minutes ago, Lihu said:

Once your husband gets to a point where he’s not obsessed all the time, you should have more time together.

So your suggestion is her to be unhappy for a few more years waiting for him to stop been that obsessed with golf?
What if golf is not the problem and things never get better? Maybe golf is his excuse for not spending time with her.

[Lihu]

2 minutes ago, p1n9183 said:

So your suggestion is her to be unhappy for a few more years waiting for him to stop been that obsessed with golf?
What if golf is not the problem and things never get better? Maybe golf is his excuse for not spending time with her.

I just gave her an example of two people including the husband of my wife’s friend and actually one more who resumes normal marriages post golf obsession 😁

There was one divorce in the golf group though... so 3:4 success to one fail...there were actually more divorces out of the general group of school acquaintances though. 33%. Hard to say if golfers are more “stick to marriage” or not based on a sampling of 4

Hypotheticals can go on forever...

[Jeremie Boop]

I don't know, this just seems like not the best route to take if you are having issues, airing them on a public forum. We see such a small portion of the situation, we don't know any of the other circumstances or influences for the behavior. It's very easy to make someone sound/look very bad when putting out your side of a story, even if that's not your intention. The only real answer is to reach out for help from a professional if the situation is as serious as it's made out to be. The post previous from @Indy-Archerwas the only post needed imo.

[lastings]

On 8/5/2019 at 9:24 AM, Lonely one said:

First I would like to point out that my husband can do whatever he wants, I'm not the type of wife that tells him he can't do this or that, i have no problem with him even golfing, my problem is that he does it so much that I feel very alone as if I'm in this marriage by myself, when he spends more time with his friends playing golf almost every other day including his days off then that is definitely a problem, we use to go have dinner, movies, once a month ( and I was okay with that) there was no pressure, but now it's nothing- I get none of his time- I'm at the bottom of his list, I work, blessed with an amazing career, and wonderful friends. I only mentioned learning more about golf because he loves it so much, he studies it, watches videos about it, etc..if I'm working days, and he works nights and go straight to golfing after a few hours of sleep instead of having a moment with his wife then yeah, something is wrong here.  Maybe it is me, idk. 

Thank you all that's given your opinion, I'm considering a lot of things at the moment.  I will pray that GOD can show us the way back to each other- because I love my husband- he is my best friend 

This is a pretty simple issue for me.   I golf.  a lot.   twice a week, including every single saturday.   That said, my marriage is also very important to me.   I understand that I can not just say this, it must be proven as well.   I only allow myself my personal recreation time so long as I am willing to give the same time to our marriage.    An an example of this is that on Saturdays I almost exclusively golf at 7 or 8 am tee times.   I am home before 2pm, even if I have lunch, leaving me enough time to get home, do a bit of yard work and take my wife out to dinner or a movie or whatever.   This is not difficult to do.   It can, however, be exhausting.  I lose a lot of my time to relax around the house and whatnot.   but, that is my choice.  I choose golf over relaxing free time.   

[Zekez]

Is this serious?  Why is the OP on THIS site?  Bizarre.

[Mr Puddle]

23 hours ago, dennyjones said:

No you don't.   Sorry...

Please don't bring up religion or politics on the forum.   thanks.

How strange, I have been warned for having an opinion. I may have expressed my opinions about religion (which I apologise for) so I hope the person who expressed their confidence in God also received something similar. 

With regards to the other point. I see you are from the USA, whilst I live on the other side of the pond. It is well documented that women tend to be the boss of the household more often than it is over here, and can therefore understand your post. 

14 minutes ago, Zekez said:

Is this serious?  Why is the OP on THIS site?  Bizarre.

No idea, but it is a great wind up, and I award it thread of the year😁

[leftybutnotPM]

2 hours ago, Mr Puddle said:

How strange, I have been warned for having an opinion.

I think you have been warned for bringing up a discussion point that has nothing to do with the OP, can not possibly be resolved (or even discussed rationally) and gets people heated. It's a golf forum.

[iacas]

2 hours ago, Mr Puddle said:

How strange, I have been warned for having an opinion.

Nope. The note on your warning makes this clear:

Quote

Discussion of religion and politics is against the forum rules.

https://thesandtrap.com/a/faq/#religion

 

Please stick to the topic.

[Lihu]

On 8/4/2019 at 10:49 AM, Lonely one said:

I just want say Thank you all very much for your advice, I greatly appreciate it.  He's at golf as we speak, I had tears in my eyes when I expressed my feelings to him at dinner but I just don't think he gets it, he straight up told me that he's not going to stop playing- nor do I want him to, I know golf is a relaxing sport for men, I get it. However my husband plays so much, that I was desperate enough to create an account on this website to try and get advice. I guess I could try and see if there is a local women's league or something to try and learn more.  I watch golf with him on tv, etc.. Marriage counseling is also a great idea, thank you all again very much!! 

The marriage counseling is not for you so much as him... he’s definitely obsessed.

If he’s normal, it should subside a bit.

Unlike many other responses, I feel like it’s not a bad idea for you to vent a bit. This is social media. If that’s part of your personality and he knows it, no biggie...

If I read something here where my wife wrote the same thing, it would probably make me pause and think a bit. However, I stopped being obsessed with this game a few years ago. I still enjoy it, but it’s just a part of my life. Not even a big part. It’s a social thing.

I’ve been with my wife for over 26 years and married for 23. I went through many hobbies obsessively and almost died doing some of them ... but there’s a point where we all have to stop and look around and realize, it’s not everything.

He has to change, not you. It’s just a matter if you think he will or not? Good luck with him, take up golf if you like? Take up some other hobby?

I can only say that 4 of my golfing friends went through the same thing and 3 of us are still happily married to our original spouses

Keep on venting in social media or whatever. If it causes him to leave, that’s his problem, not yours.

7 hours ago, Jeremie Boop said:

The post previous from @Indy-Archerwas the only post needed imo.

Possibly irrelevant advice that passive-aggressively blames her for blogging... We all have our own way of venting, this could (very likely) is hers. Keeps her out of the “nut house”... as far as I can tell from the few posts she’s made, she seems normal and, like many golf addicts, her husband could be too? For a golf addict ...

Edited August 6, 2019 by Lihu

[Jeremie Boop]

7 minutes ago, Lihu said:

Possibly irrelevant advice that passive-aggressively blames her for blogging... We all have our own way of venting, this could (very likely) is hers. Keeps her out of the “nut house”... as far as I can tell from the few posts she’s made, she seems normal and like make golf addicts her husband could be too? For a golf addict ...

Are we talking about the same post, I think there was only minimal mention of not putting personal issues out on social media.. Which, by the way, I'm completely in agreement with. Other than that, it all seemed pretty solid advice.

 

At this point, I'm pretty much done with this topic. We have one side of a story about a troubled relationship. I don't care to speculate on who's to blame or who needs to change.

[Lihu]

1 minute ago, Jeremie Boop said:

At this point, I'm pretty much done with this topic. We have one side of a story about a troubled relationship. I don't care to speculate on who's to blame or who needs to change.

I think many of us can infer the other side through historical introspection. I just sent a copy of her blog to my other ex-golf addicted friends and got responses like “Hahahaha” to “uhh, ...” 

The only issue the OP might have is blogging on a site with golf obsessed men, is she’s not exactly going to get a lot of sympathy ... 

And she did ask if there are any other ladies here... I’d think the vast majority of ladies blogging here might be “into golf” too.

I hope they get back together again, sounds like there might be a relationship worth saving?

[Jeremie Boop]

1 minute ago, Lihu said:

I think many of us can infer the other side through historical introspection. I just sent a copy of her blog to my other ex-golf addicted friends and got responses like “Hahahaha” to “uhh, ...” 

The only issue the OP might have is blogging on a site with golf obsessed men, is she’s not exactly going to get a lot of sympathy ... 

And she did ask if there are any other ladies here... I’d think the vast majority of ladies blogging here might be “into golf” too.

I hope they get back together again, sounds like there might be a relationship worth saving?

Maybe you think you can infer the other side, but I don't. I know there are many reasons why something like this may happen. I do hope they are able to mend things as well.

This will conclude my participation in the thread.

[krupa]

8 hours ago, p1n9183 said:

You need 2 people for a marriage to work, if she is alone is not going to happen.
In the other hand, he don´t have time to properly date her wife, why would he make time to go to a counselor?

True.  What I meant to say is that turning to a Golf forum isn't the correct path.  And if hubby doesn't want to go to counseling, the OP has her answer.