Husband Chooses Golf Over Marriage

[Mr Puddle]

19 hours ago, Lonely one said:

Are there any ladies out there that are going through something similar?  I could really use some advice on how to save my marriage.  I love that my husband has his hobbies but it's gotten to a point where I totally feel left out, he golfs at 3-4 times weekly, including every Saturday, not to mention he works nights but still has the energy to go play golf.  I feel like we live separate lives.  We went to dinner for the first time in months and it did not go very well, as there was such a disconnect between us.. I'm not trying to stop him from playing, I just, idk. He plays with his employees or his boss a lot of times. And other friends of his, they all see my husband more than I do. No told him I would like to learn to play but that didn't go over very well.  I just want time for US too.  Help!

 

I have experience in marriage counselling. First of all, human beings are NOT monogamous animals, and the fact he has chosen golf rather than another woman should be looked at as a positive. It's only women that tend to have a problem with their partners going off and enjoying themselves. Seriously, reverse the situation, and ask yourself this, would he be complaining if you found a hobby you really liked and spent time enjoying? My advice would be to let him carry on enjoying himself, and stop being so controlling. Alternatively divorce him and find a man that doesn't mind being hen pecked.  Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but good marriages are based on the time you spend apart, not together. I play four times a week, as well as this I go on golfing trips with my friends, and stay away when I go to football matches. My wife goes to the gym four times a week, and spends 4 days away every six weeks when she goes to see her friend. Being married doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip. I know lot's of men who are controlled by their wives, they are all miserable, and regret the day they ever got married. 

14 hours ago, leftybutnotPM said:

Dead right it is. 100%

A husband gets angry when his wife suggests that she would like to learn to play golf.

He chooses to spend as much time away from her as possible. And wants to play golf as much as he can - deliberately excluding her.

What would your advice be?

Look mate, most blokes play golf to get away from their old woman, so the last thing he wants is to have is her tagging along behind him. If my wife took up golf, I would give it up. 

Edited August 5, 2019 by Mr Puddle

[Mr Puddle]

10 hours ago, CarlSpackler said:

I think that most men are tired of being controlled all the time. At work. At home. Spending time at a bar, or playing golf, working on cars, etc. is a a way to reconnect with masculinity that is being robbed by what is becoming a more female dominated society.

That is what I see with most of my friends. They are sick of constant nagging, so they want to hang out where they can control their own thoughts. I have no clue if that is what is going on in your relationship, but it is something to consider. Golf is an escape that taps in to our primal need to hunt (theory). 

Thank God, somebody speaking some sense at last. Some men don't need lots of time with other men, whilst others (like me) need loads. Women are basically another specie, and almost without exception are very controlling. This can be controlled, but like dogs the training has to take place early in any relationship. My son goes to work, then comes home and spends time with his wife only. He has no social life that doesn't involve her. As a result he has become an amazingly boring individual. 

[DennisMiller]

PLEASE go speak to a professional marriage counselor...!!!

Once you have spoken to a counselor, once or twice maybe, decide with the counselor how to approach your husband about going with you. PLEASE let a professional handle this.

If you truly love him and want to save your marriage, professional advice and their suggested methods of how to approach togetherness will probably be the only way.

[colin007]

18 hours ago, Double Mocha Man said:

Nice.  But what does she enjoy doing that she'd like you to join her in?  Do that first.  Golf is not the "King" of hobbies.  Well, let me rethink that...

Golf is the only thing we don't do together.

33 minutes ago, Mr Puddle said:

Look mate, most blokes play golf to get away from their old woman, so the last thing he wants is to have is her tagging along behind him. If my wife took up golf, I would give it up. 

WTF is wrong with you??

[Mr Puddle]

19 minutes ago, DennisMiller said:

PLEASE go speak to a professional marriage counselor...!!!

Once you have spoken to a counselor, once or twice maybe, decide with the counselor how to approach your husband about going with you. PLEASE let a professional handle this.

If you truly love him and want to save your marriage, professional advice and their suggested methods of how to approach togetherness will probably be the only way.

If I had the money to spend on a councillor I would rather spend it on golf lessons. 

9 minutes ago, colin007 said:

Golf is the only thing we don't do together.

WTF is wrong with you??

I speak for the majority of men. Spending four hours with your mates having a laugh is brilliant, whilst spending four hours on the course being nagged isn't. 

[uitar9]

I am over 65. I fell into golf 7 years ago. We had no idea her brother and partner were golfers. Move forward 7 years. I play in a mens league once a week. I play golf with my wife once a week. She plays in two ladies leagues weekly. We plan golf trips with my BIL/partner. She also attends church 4 or more times per week. (We even plan the weekend golf around her church activities-I believe I am a druid priest) She is retired, I am not. When I really think about it, other than golf (and the other,lol) we spend only about an hour a day together. 

Thats often over food-i cook a fair amount.

I often listen to my wife discuss the trivia/minutia of what goes on at her church. We have some of her church buddies over for suppers.We've even brought her RC priest golfing a couple of times.

Winters its a bowling league for her.

It could be a lot worse. We both stopped drinking and drugging. Family members have died from drinking and drugging...some haven't died from it yet.

I gotta put things in perspective ...for me...

[Mr Puddle]

19 minutes ago, uitar9 said:

I am over 65. I fell into golf 7 years ago. We had no idea her brother and partner were golfers. Move forward 7 years. I play in a mens league once a week. I play golf with my wife once a week. She plays in two ladies leagues weekly. We plan golf trips with my BIL/partner. She also attends church 4 or more times per week. (We even plan the weekend golf around her church activities-I believe I am a druid priest) She is retired, I am not. When I really think about it, other than golf (and the other,lol) we spend only about an hour a day together. 

Thats often over food-i cook a fair amount.

I often listen to my wife discuss the trivia/minutia of what goes on at her church. We have some of her church buddies over for suppers.We've even brought her RC priest golfing a couple of times.

Winters its a bowling league for her.

It could be a lot worse. We both stopped drinking and drugging. Family members have died from drinking and drugging...some haven't died from it yet.

I gotta put things in perspective ...for me...

Sounds ideal. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Like I said, a good marriage is based on the time spent apart, not together

[CarlSpackler]

3 minutes ago, Mr Puddle said:

Sounds ideal. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Like I said, a good marriage is based on the time spent apart, not together

I disagree. A good marriage is built on time spent together. Like anything in life, there needs to be balance. I spend as much time as I can with my wife.

[mcanadiens]

Not qualified what-so-ever to speak about relationships, but should three or four rounds of golf really preclude someone from spending time with their spouse?

Hours in a week                 168

Hours working                     -40

Hours sleeping                    -49

Four rounds + travel time    -25

Leaves                                 54

Unless the fella working way more than a standard 40, it's probably not just golf that is the problem.

[Jeremie Boop]

14 hours ago, geo63 said:

Maybe she doesn't go anywhere but stays home and does things alone like surf the web while he is expected to just sit there.

 

This is pretty much spot on my wife. We've discussed the issue multiple times, but she still struggles with me leaving to do just about anything. That said, she is like that because a her first husband would leave her home alone constantly, so I take that into consideration when she gets upset. She does her best to not get on my case when I go golf, bowl, or whatever, and I do my best to keep the activities that require me to be gone to a reasonable amount. Marriage is a balance, each person needs to learn to give and take.

My question to the OP, is this increase in golfing a fairly new thing? If it is, it's entirely possible that it will pass. I have a tendency to go all in on things for a period of time, spending a lot of time doing it, then I get bored and move on. Outside of that, if things are really bad, I do echo what others have said about counseling.

Edited August 5, 2019 by Jeremie Boop
clarification

[FlyingAce]

A friend of mine just celebrated their 50th Anniversary and according to them the secret is having their own space. They each have their own floor in the house. The husband has business in CR and is gone 2 weeks out of the month. It’s been like this for the past 30 years. She has her own circle of friends/activities that keeps her busy, and they have completely opposite interests. They spend 2 weeks out of the month doing things together and this works for them. 

Another couple is celebrating their 45th with a golf trip right now. Husband still working, wife retired. They spend all their time (his free time) together doing things they both enjoy - golfing, fishing, camping, etc. And that works for them.

So there really is no standard on how much time the couple needs to spend together to make a marriage work. It is whatever works for the couple.

[Patch]

4 minutes ago, FlyingAce said:

A friend of mine just celebrated their 50th Anniversary and according to them the secret is having their own space. They each have their own floor in the house. The husband has business in CR and is gone 2 weeks out of the month. It’s been like this for the past 30 years. She has her own circle of friends/activities that keeps her busy, and they have completely opposite interests. They spend 2 weeks out of the month doing things together and this works for them. 

Another couple is celebrating their 45th with a golf trip right now. Husband still working, wife retired. They spend all their time (his free time) together doing things they both enjoy - golfing, fishing, camping, etc. And that works for them.

So there really is no standard on how much time the couple needs to spend together to make a marriage work. It is whatever works for the couple.

This what it's like for my wife and I. We just celebrated 50 years of togetherness (45 married) on August 2nd. 

We both had our own careers, which at times were quite time consuming. I was out building stuff, and she had her medical profession. In fact during the early stages in her medical career, we seldom saw each other. 

We also had two daughters we made time for. Their time was a priority for us.

My golf was my time, and charity work was her time. In between our personal, family, and work times, we made room for our own together time. I think we might have been one of the original "date nighters". 

Good times, bad times, we just did it. We made it work. 

[uitar9]

Seems to me that just having your own expectations met in a relationship...any relationship...isn't a relationship.

[Lonely one]

29 minutes ago, Jeremie Boop said:

This is pretty much spot on my wife. We've discussed the issue multiple times, but she still struggles with me leaving to do just about anything. That said, she is like that because a her first husband would leave her home alone constantly, so I take that into consideration when she gets upset. She does her best to not get on my case when I go golf, bowl, or whatever, and I do my best to keep the activities that require me to be gone to a reasonable amount. Marriage is a balance, each person needs to learn to give and take.

My question to the OP, is this increase in golfing a fairly new thing? If it is, it's entirely possible that it will pass. I have a tendency to go all in on things for a period of time, spending a lot of time doing it, then I get bored and move on. Outside of that, if things are really bad, I do echo what others have said about counseling.

 

First I would like to point out that my husband can do whatever he wants, I'm not the type of wife that tells him he can't do this or that, i have no problem with him even golfing, my problem is that he does it so much that I feel very alone as if I'm in this marriage by myself, when he spends more time with his friends playing golf almost every other day including his days off then that is definitely a problem, we use to go have dinner, movies, once a month ( and I was okay with that) there was no pressure, but now it's nothing- I get none of his time- I'm at the bottom of his list, I work, blessed with an amazing career, and wonderful friends. I only mentioned learning more about golf because he loves it so much, he studies it, watches videos about it, etc..if I'm working days, and he works nights and go straight to golfing after a few hours of sleep instead of having a moment with his wife then yeah, something is wrong here.  Maybe it is me, idk. 

Thank you all that's given your opinion, I'm considering a lot of things at the moment.  I will pray that GOD can show us the way back to each other- because I love my husband- he is my best friend 

[Cantankerish]

19 hours ago, Double Mocha Man said:

There may be a control issue or a power issue here.  Rarely are these things one-sided.

This was my thinking.  I am not sure we are the right context to get to the bottom of this, but there can be no hope of it without hearing the fellow speak his side.  I am still ticked at him about it though.

[Mr Puddle]

3 hours ago, CarlSpackler said:

I disagree. A good marriage is built on time spent together. Like anything in life, there needs to be balance. I spend as much time as I can with my wife.

I just hope she looks better than mine, and doesn't nag as much !

2 hours ago, Lonely one said:

First I would like to point out that my husband can do whatever he wants, I'm not the type of wife that tells him he can't do this or that, i have no problem with him even golfing, my problem is that he does it so much that I feel very alone as if I'm in this marriage by myself, when he spends more time with his friends playing golf almost every other day including his days off then that is definitely a problem, we use to go have dinner, movies, once a month ( and I was okay with that) there was no pressure, but now it's nothing- I get none of his time- I'm at the bottom of his list, I work, blessed with an amazing career, and wonderful friends. I only mentioned learning more about golf because he loves it so much, he studies it, watches videos about it, etc..if I'm working days, and he works nights and go straight to golfing after a few hours of sleep instead of having a moment with his wife then yeah, something is wrong here.  Maybe it is me, idk. 

Thank you all that's given your opinion, I'm considering a lot of things at the moment.  I will pray that GOD can show us the way back to each other- because I love my husband- he is my best friend 

First of all I should point out that there is no God, and it's a complete myth. The concept of there being an almighty being up there somewhere was thought up by a bunch blokes a few thousand years ago who knew no better. Secondly, leave him alone and let him get on with what he enjoys. If he prefers time with his mates playing golf, go and get yourself a hobby. As couples get older they change and get wiser. I have to be honest, I much prefer spending time playing golf than I do with my wife, and in fact I think I prefer spending time at the dentist than I do with my wife. Please take into account though, I think I have been married over 100 years now. 

[Mr Puddle]

3 hours ago, Patch said:

This what it's like for my wife and I. We just celebrated 50 years of togetherness (45 married) on August 2nd. 

We both had our own careers, which at times were quite time consuming. I was out building stuff, and she had her medical profession. In fact during the early stages in her medical career, we seldom saw each other. 

We also had two daughters we made time for. Their time was a priority for us.

My golf was my time, and charity work was her time. In between our personal, family, and work times, we made room for our own together time. I think we might have been one of the original "date nighters". 

Good times, bad times, we just did it. We made it work. 

Yeah, I have been married 38 years, and we have made it work. Doesn't stop us both hating each other though 

[CarlSpackler]

3 hours ago, Lonely one said:

First I would like to point out that my husband can do whatever he wants, I'm not the type of wife that tells him he can't do this or that, i have no problem with him even golfing, my problem is that he does it so much that I feel very alone as if I'm in this marriage by myself, when he spends more time with his friends playing golf almost every other day including his days off then that is definitely a problem, we use to go have dinner, movies, once a month ( and I was okay with that) there was no pressure, but now it's nothing- I get none of his time- I'm at the bottom of his list, I work, blessed with an amazing career, and wonderful friends. I only mentioned learning more about golf because he loves it so much, he studies it, watches videos about it, etc..if I'm working days, and he works nights and go straight to golfing after a few hours of sleep instead of having a moment with his wife then yeah, something is wrong here.  Maybe it is me, idk. 

Thank you all that's given your opinion, I'm considering a lot of things at the moment.  I will pray that GOD can show us the way back to each other- because I love my husband- he is my best friend 

Are there things that you both enjoy. Try scheduling a "date". Dinner... Movie... Maybe a trip out of town?