Golf Jokes Master Thread

[Ric]

In my humble opinion, here's how to tell a great golf joke: 

- Be relaxed and confident. 

- Vary your voice and give sound effects.

- Don't prematurely laugh -  but keep a smile going.

- Long jokes are best.

- Wait a beat before giving the punch line.

For example:

"John Daly walks into a clubhouse bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar:

FREE BEER! 
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!

So John asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender says, 'Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.'

John says, 'Well, I've done some outrageous things in my life, but as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then it gets crazier from there.'

Well, as time goes on John drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?' He grabs the gallon of pepper tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears are now streaming down his face.

Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening grappling and thumping followed by a fierce roar, and then silence. John staggers back into the bar, his shirt is ripped to shreds and big scratches are all over his body.

'Now' he says, 'Where's that woman with the sore tooth?'"

This joke is easy to remember and change from you John Daly voice to your Bartender voice while telling it. Make sound effects for the thumping and roaring. Stagger our like John Daly does and exaggerate he's torn to shreds.  

Another example:

A New Yorker and a Texan, both high handicappers, were spraying their shots resulting in the Texan driving and bouncing the cart through very rough tough terrain trying to find their wayward golf balls. It got so bumpy the New Yorker hit his head a few times on the cart's roof then fell out of the cart.

"Hey, take it easy partner. This ain't a rodeo," the New Yorker said as he got up rubbing his head.

"Pardner, you oughta learn bronc riding," said the Texan.

The New Yorker said, "Sounds great but there aren't any rodeos in the Big Apple."

"You don't need a rodeo, Pardner. Just get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper,

'Your sister has bigger ones', then try to hold on for eight seconds!"

Remember to change your voice from a Texas accent to a New York accent and act out the joke. You should get a ton of laughs!

[boogielicious]

9 hours ago, Ric said:

In my humble opinion, here's how to tell a great golf joke: 

- Be relaxed and confident. 

- Vary your voice and give sound effects.

- Don't prematurely laugh -  but keep a smile going.

- Long jokes are best.

- Wait a beat before giving the punch line.

For example:

"John Daly walks into a clubhouse bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar:

FREE BEER! 
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!

So John asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender says, 'Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.'

John says, 'Well, I've done some outrageous things in my life, but as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then it gets crazier from there.'

Well, as time goes on John drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?' He grabs the gallon of pepper tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears are now streaming down his face.

Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening grappling and thumping followed by a fierce roar, and then silence. John staggers back into the bar, his shirt is ripped to shreds and big scratches are all over his body.

'Now' he says, 'Where's that woman with the sore tooth?'"

This joke is easy to remember and change from you John Daly voice to your Bartender voice while telling it. Make sound effects for the thumping and roaring. Stagger our like John Daly does and exaggerate he's torn to shreds.  

Another example:

A New Yorker and a Texan, both high handicappers, were spraying their shots resulting in the Texan driving and bouncing the cart through very rough tough terrain trying to find their wayward golf balls. It got so bumpy the New Yorker hit his head a few times on the cart's roof then fell out of the cart.

"Hey, take it easy partner. This ain't a rodeo," the New Yorker said as he got up rubbing his head.

"Pardner, you oughta learn bronc riding," said the Texan.

The New Yorker said, "Sounds great but there aren't any rodeos in the Big Apple."

"You don't need a rodeo, Pardner. Just get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper,

'Your sister has bigger ones', then try to hold on for eight seconds!"

Remember to change your voice from a Texas accent to a New York accent and act out the joke. You should get a ton of laughs!

[Ric]

Here's another great golf joke:

Ernie Els died and was up before God for Judgment.  He was met by St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven who greeted him. “Mr. Els, you were a great golfer but before you meet God, I thought I should tell you that other than your great golf career, you really didn’t do anything for the common good or for the bad, so we’re not sure what to do with you. We don’t have any golf courses in heaven but what particularly did you do on earth that was good?

Ernie pondered for a bit and said, “Once after playing a golf tournament in California, I was driving back to the hotel and there in the parking lot, I saw a young woman being tormented by a group of Hell’s Angels – you know revving their engines, circling her, taunting her with obscenities?”

“Go on,” said St. Peter.

“So I stopped and got out of my car with my 5 iron and went up to the leader – the biggest guy there. He was much bigger than I, very muscular, had tattoos all over, a scar on his face and a ring in his nose.  Well, I put my index finger in his nose ring and tore it out of his nose. Then I told him and the rest of them they’d better stop bothering this woman or they all would get more of the same!”

“Wow, that’s very impressive Ernie!” St Peter replied. “When did this happen?”

"About two minutes ago," said Ernie.

 

[Lihu]

On April 1, 2016 at 6:59 PM, Ric said:

In my humble opinion, here's how to tell a great golf joke: 

- Be relaxed and confident. 

- Vary your voice and give sound effects.

- Don't prematurely laugh -  but keep a smile going.

- Long jokes are best.

- Wait a beat before giving the punch line.

For example:

"John Daly walks into a clubhouse bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar:

FREE BEER! 
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!

So John asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender says, 'Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.'

John says, 'Well, I've done some outrageous things in my life, but as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then it gets crazier from there.'

Well, as time goes on John drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?' He grabs the gallon of pepper tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears are now streaming down his face.

Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening grappling and thumping followed by a fierce roar, and then silence. John staggers back into the bar, his shirt is ripped to shreds and big scratches are all over his body.

'Now' he says, 'Where's that woman with the sore tooth?'"

This joke is easy to remember and change from you John Daly voice to your Bartender voice while telling it. Make sound effects for the thumping and roaring. Stagger our like John Daly does and exaggerate he's torn to shreds.  

Another example:

A New Yorker and a Texan, both high handicappers, were spraying their shots resulting in the Texan driving and bouncing the cart through very rough tough terrain trying to find their wayward golf balls. It got so bumpy the New Yorker hit his head a few times on the cart's roof then fell out of the cart.

"Hey, take it easy partner. This ain't a rodeo," the New Yorker said as he got up rubbing his head.

"Pardner, you oughta learn bronc riding," said the Texan.

The New Yorker said, "Sounds great but there aren't any rodeos in the Big Apple."

"You don't need a rodeo, Pardner. Just get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper,

'Your sister has bigger ones', then try to hold on for eight seconds!"

Remember to change your voice from a Texas accent to a New York accent and act out the joke. You should get a ton of laughs!

 

On April 2, 2016 at 3:44 PM, Ric said:

Here's another great golf joke:

Ernie Els died and was up before God for Judgment.  He was met by St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven who greeted him. “Mr. Els, you were a great golfer but before you meet God, I thought I should tell you that other than your great golf career, you really didn’t do anything for the common good or for the bad, so we’re not sure what to do with you. We don’t have any golf courses in heaven but what particularly did you do on earth that was good?

 

Ernie pondered for a bit and said, “Once after playing a golf tournament in California, I was driving back to the hotel and there in the parking lot, I saw a young woman being tormented by a group of Hell’s Angels – you know revving their engines, circling her, taunting her with obscenities?”

 

“Go on,” said St. Peter.

 

“So I stopped and got out of my car with my 5 iron and went up to the leader – the biggest guy there. He was much bigger than I, very muscular, had tattoos all over, a scar on his face and a ring in his nose.  Well, I put my index finger in his nose ring and tore it out of his nose. Then I told him and the rest of them they’d better stop bothering this woman or they all would get more of the same!”

 

“Wow, that’s very impressive Ernie!” St Peter replied. “When did this happen?”

 

"About two minutes ago," said Ernie.

 

 

[KarenS]

Do you ever wonder what your caddy says about your golf game after you leave?  Here are my favorite CADDY quotes...

1. Why does he always carry three pounds of water balls in his bag?
2. I wish he’d stop buying those annoying iron head covers.
3. I’ve seen better strokes in intensive care.
4. He complains that I keep checking my watch; it is actually a compass.
5. His golf game is so bad he had to have his ball retriever regripped.
6. He has a great short game. Unfortunately, it’s off the tee.
7. If he tries drowning himself in the water hazard, he should keep his head down.
8. He bought a new putter after finding out the old one didn’t float.
9. Does he know fairways come with the greens fee?

[arturo28mx]

A man gets home from Golf earlier than anticipated

He hears strange noises coming from the bedroom on the second floor

Not knowing what to do, all he can think of is to yell FOOOOREEEE!

[rehmwa]

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now " she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.
I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"


I replied, "Still under the cart I guess"

[iacas]

38 minutes ago, rehmwa said:

I replied, "Still under the cart I guess"

I can usually guess ahead because most jokes are almost like riddles, with a "clue" or something, but I didn't get that one either. Nice!

[boogielicious]

1 hour ago, rehmwa said:

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now " she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.
I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"


I replied, "Still under the cart I guess"

[Golf Goddess]

Bert's new golf shoes

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples. So, seeing some on sale after a round, he bought them. 

He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" 

Margaret, at 83 looked him over and replied "Nope." 

Frustrated as hell, Bert stormed off into the bedroom, stripped, walked back into the kitchen naked except for the new golf shoes. 

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" 

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, whats different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down tomorrow." 

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?" 

"Nope, not a clue. "

" ITS HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!"

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies,

      "You should have bought a new hat!" 

 

[David in FL]

14 minutes ago, Golf Goddess said:

Bert's new golf shoes

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples. So, seeing some on sale after a round, he bought them. 

He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" 

Margaret, at 83 looked him over and replied "Nope." 

Frustrated as hell, Bert stormed off into the bedroom, stripped, walked back into the kitchen naked except for the new golf shoes. 

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" 

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, whats different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it will be hanging down tomorrow." 

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?" 

"Nope, not a clue. "

" ITS HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!"

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies,

      "You should have bought a new hat!" 

 

That may be the single best first post of all time!  

 

[Patch]

Player: "Think I can get there with my 7 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

[danjohnsongolf]

A golfer stumbles and bumbles through the door of his house several hours late and his wife greets him at the door with an ominous look he’s all too familiar with.
“Where the hell were you?”
Exasperated, the golfer throws his arms up in the air and says,
“I’m sorry, Honey.”
“Don’t ‘Sorry’ me, you bastard!”
“Okay, okay…the truth shall set me free…,” he mumbles to himself, then says, 
“I just finished my round and was putting my clubs in the trunk when I noticed a young beautiful woman fumbling by her car trying to fix her own flat tire.  I offered to help her and… I changed her tire.”
“Go on,” said the wife tapping her foot sternly.
“She thanked me again and again, and we kept talking then we went to a bar.  The next thing I know I’m in bed with her at her place. Then I fell asleep for a while and came right home. I’m so sorry, honey, can you find it in your heart to forgive me?” 
The wife stared at him, “Don’t you give me that shit, you played 36 holes today, didn’t you!”

“A ‘Great Shot’ is when you pull it off.”
“A ‘Smart Shot’ is when you don’t have the guts to try it.”
    -Phil Mickleson

 

[Shindig]

I was going to say this in the new Ping G400 Driver thread, but it was going to be so off topic I figured I'd post it here instead.  Prompted by this:

14 hours ago, Buckeyebowman said:

I once read an article about all the blind golfers, and blind golfer's societies and clubs extant in America. These were folks who were otherwise fully enabled except for their inability to see. Yet, they played golf with the assistance of a helper.

 

It might surprise you to learn that at one point in his life, Stevie Wonder was a +3 handicap.  He ran into none other than Tiger Woods at an event and told him that he, too, played golf.  

Tiger, naturally, was quite curious.  How, he asked, could a blind man play golf?  Shot selection seemed it would be a problem.

Stevie explained that his caddie would describe the hole layout to him.  For shots that aren't from the tee, the caddie would also describe his lie.  Stevie would take in the information and decide where he wanted to be lined up. He had the caddie line him up, and then he could swing.

But, Tiger wondered, what about putting?  Surely you are missing some of the challenge if your caddie reads the putt for you.  But that's easy for Mr. Wonder:  he'd lie down a bit behind his ball and put his ear to the ground.  His caddie would kneel near the hole and make sounds, and by picking up the waves, Stevie could figure out how the green would break.

Tiger was intrigued and wanted to play with him.  But Stevie said too many people don't take him seriously, so he would play, but wanted to play for $100,000 per hole and, given the difference, wanted one shot a side from Tiger.  

"That sounds fair, I'll even let you choose the course," said Tiger.

"Great, you can pick the night," replied Stevie.

[Lihu]

Here’s one for the books:

”One of the folks on the range asked me, ‘How is it that we’re both getting older, but you seem to be hitting farther and farther?’

Without thinking, I simply said ‘I’m not hitting farther, you just can’t see as far.’”

[Ron]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.

‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!

[dennyjones]

A golfer goes to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. 

 

“You’ll get your chance in court,” says the desk sergeant.

 

“No, no, no!” insists the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

[millsan1]

A western business man is visiting China for the first time.

After arriving, he decides he wants the companionship of a lady of the evening.  She arrives at his hotel and they begin.  He is really giving it to her and she is yelling "Ding Mao!  Ding Mao!".  Feeling full of himself he doubles his efforts and she yells even louder "Ding Mao! Ding Mao!".  He figures "Ding Mao!" must be a very positive thing.

The next day, he goes about his business meetings, and everyone agrees to play golf in the afternoon.

On the first hole, his Chinese customer hits a long birdie putt.  The businessman yells "Ding Mao!".  His Chinese customer looks confused and asks "what do you mean, "wrong hole?""