Golf Jokes Master Thread

[Craig Mac]

Two old guys are on the 12th green, and just as one of them is getting ready to putt he looks up and sees a funeral procession go by. He backs away from his putt takes his hat off and holds it over his chest. A few seconds goes by the procession passes he puts his hat back on, walks over and drains his putt. His buddy turns to him and says, "nice putt, that was real sentimental and all, but why the hell did you stop when that funeral car drove by?". To which he replied, "It was the least I could do, it would have been our 45th Anniversary today".

[ganjagolfer]

What's Emeril Lagasse's Favorite kind of shot?

don't give up golf to become a comedian

(this is my joke for the joke thread)

[Eore]

here is one that i think i can post-

a man is playing 18 by himself. he is playing poorly. on the 16th green, a voice says "aim 3 feet left of the hole, and hit it as hard as you can" the man does, and the ball goes in. on the tee at 17, the voice says "hit a cut around the tree." the ball bounces twice and drops in the hole. the man is shocked. on 18, a par four, the voice says "hit the driver towards the lake." the wind carries the ball and it hits the cart path and bounces to a foot. he makes the putt for an eagle-eagle finish.

the voice says "drive to the Gold Casino in Vegas" not doubting the voice, the man does. the voice says "go to a roulette table and putt $7,000 and red 17. the man does, and wins! the voice then says "ride on 17." the man wins again! he can't believe his luck!

the voice says "put it all on black 7." the man says "wow, thats a lot of money, but you have been right so far!" the ball ends up on 4.






the voice says "shit...."

[r7 425]

What do golfers and old presidents have in common?

They both have handicaps

[Three Putt]

Two old guys are on the 12th green, and just as one of them is getting ready to putt he looks up and sees a funeral procession go by. He backs away from his putt takes his hat off and holds it over his chest. A few seconds goes by the procession passes he puts his hat back on, walks over and drains his putt. His buddy turns to him and says, "nice putt, that was real sentimental and all, but why the hell did you stop when that funeral car drove by?". To which he replied, "It was the least I could do, it would have been our 45th Anniversary today".

Well since someone broke the ice...here goes.

A excellent golfer is tied with the defending club champion, walking to the 18th tee, he has the honors by pulling even on the last hole. Guy tees off and hits a duck hook, almost ob, but comes to rest behind a huge electrical box. Club champ tees off...ropes one straight down the middle. The guys wife is caddying for him and notices her husband is getting distraught on his lie...the huge electrical box is directly in line with the hole, no apparent shot... His wife suddenly realizes something " honey, we can open the doors on this electrical box and you can fly one right through and hit the green!" Great idea dear, it's our only chance! He pulls a 3 iron and sends a line drive towards the green, ball hits the top bar of the electrical box, hits his wife in the head...sadly...dead on impact. Fast forward to next years club championship... This time the guy has his best freind caddying for him, again he is tied for the lead going to 18. Once again he snap hooks his tee shot behind the dreaded electrical box.... The guy starts uncontrollably crying....his best freind says...wait... "we can open the doors on this electrical box and you can fly one right through and hit the green!" . . . . . . . The guy looks his best friend in the eye and says... . . . . . . I did that last year and carded an 8.

[Sherpat]

A guy gets a new, top o' the line driver for Christmas. He can't wait to try it, but where he lives the courses don't upen 'til the snows melt in April.

Finally, FINALLY his course opens and he schedules the earliest possible tee time.

Early that Saturday he and his wife arrive, and as soon as the marshall waves them on he rushes to the tee box, sets up a ball, and takes a mighty swing.

BOOM!

The ball rockets off the club face and goes....about 15 yards before nailing his wife in the back of the head. In his eagerness he didn't even notice her setting up on the Ladies Tee, where she was supposed to have honors.

She topples over like a sack of wet oatmeal, out cold.

At the hospital, the doctor comes out of the Emergency Room and shakes his head at the husband.

"I'm sorry, but there was nothing we could do. We removed the ball from her skull, but she was already dead from the impact. However, we found a SECOND golfball lodged in her anus. It didn't play any part in her death, but we were wondering how it got there."

"Oh...yeah," said the husband, looking down. "That was my mulligan."

[Mr Eagle]

Was having a bit of trouble with the wife so she insisted we went to see the marriage councilor.After a spell of the Mrs moaning that I never meet her half way and the shrink saying he couldnt get through to me he grabbed the wife passionatly kissed her ,threw her on the couch and made love to her.

Now do you understand! says the shrink,thats what she needs every Tuesday Thursday Saturday and Sunday.


Ok I replied I can bring her in on Tuesday and Thursday but youll have to fetch her yourself on the other days as Im out all weekend on the golf course.

[Mr Eagle]

Got home from work and the Mrs was all kitted up in her best bedroom tackle
"tie me up and do whatever you desire " she said to me

So I tied her up to the bed and went and played golf

[Shindig]

I understand why politicians won't play golf at a municipal course. It's too similar to their jobs. One bad lie after another.

Actually, my favorite is the one about the guy who goes to Japan to play and, from the first tee box, makes a hole-in-one to the 18th green.

[crawf061]

Actually, my favorite is the one about the guy who goes to Japan to play and, from the first tee box, makes a hole-in-one to the 18th green.

Is that the joke, or just the punchline? I hope it isn't the whole joke because I totally don't get it.

[Shindig]

Is that the joke, or just the punchline? I hope it isn't the whole joke because I totally don't get it.

It isn't the whole joke; the full joke isn't appropriate for this board and I shouldn't have mentioned it in the first place. I'll PM it to you.

[Eore]

me too

(need more characters)

[srjorion]

It isn't the whole joke; the full joke isn't appropriate for this board and I shouldn't have mentioned it in the first place. I'll PM it to you.

I forgot about that joke! Great one, but yes, better for the PM.

Here's another of my favorites I just remembered: ... One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship, "he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that ever good!" She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of good bourbon?" Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh baby...Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

[Sherpat]

A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

"No," replied the man. "That's my ball!"

[Ogg]

Always thought this oldie but goodie was funny:

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklas, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

[Ruari]

Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

That's excellent!

(I've run out of rep power for the moment)

[Ruari]

A nun, known as an enthusiastic golfer, goes to Mother Superior on saturday evening and says

"Mother, I have sinned. I have blasphemed'

"really, my child? But Saturday is your favourite day - isn't today when you play golf?'

"Yes, Mother. And it was on the course I blasphemed. I crave forgiveness."

"Before that, tell me what happened, my child."

"I was on the 7th, which as you know is a long par five. Usually, it's into the wind but it was with me today, thank the Lord. I took my driver, crossed myself, offered a prayer to Our Lady, put myself in the Lord's hands and gave it an almight whack. It flew and flew and, when it came to rest, a magpie dropped down and picked it up."

"Is that when you blasphemed? I could understand that."

"No, Mother Superior. The magpie dropped the ball into the trees off to the left, about 150 yards further on."

"I know those trees. Did you blaspheme that you'd lost the ball? that would be understandable."

"No, Mother Superior. A squirrel came down one of the trees, scuffed around a bit and emerged with my ball in its mouth. I shouted at it and it ran up the course towards the green. I shouted again and it dropped the ball, just on the edge of the green, but into a rabbit hole."

"So you lost your ball? I could understand your blaspheming after all that."

"No, Mother. A rabbit popped its out of the hole and headed the ball onto the green. When I got there, it was only just over three feet from the hole. I lined my double-eagle putt up and..."

"J*s*s, don't tell me you missed the f*c*ing putt?"


Ay theng yew.

[r7 425]

Fred was ready to tee off...Danny asked him what hes going to hit...Danny says "I think Im going to take out the driver." So danny goes to hit and takes out the driver of the cart in the middle of the fairway...Fred goes..."What the heck are you doing?" Danny says "Thats the first time i hit a Driver in a long time!"