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Golf Jokes Master Thread

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2 ladies are playing golf. After the 1st hole, one lady gets stung by a bee. Knowing that her friend is allergic, the other lady rushes her back to the clubhouse. Upon arriving at the clubhouse, the 2nd lady tells the pro that her friend has been stung by a bee and that he needs to contact 911. The pro then proceeds to ask, " So where was she stung?" The friend replies, "Between the 1st and 2nd hole". To this the pro replies, "well that's her problem--her stance is too wide"

.................omfg I pondered this for a few minutes and let it go. Then I just re-read it BAHAHAHHAHA I cant believe it took my a while to get this joke LOL>

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A husband reluctantly agreed to play in a mixed alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 250 metres down the middle of the fa

Two best friends met to play a round at their country club. There were two women playing ahead of them and they had to wait few holes in a row before they could hit their shots. At the 4th tee one of

A funeral procession was driving by the golf course as a group was putting on the 18th green. Upon seeing the hearse, one of the players stopped and put his hat over his heart as the procession passed

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  • 3 weeks later...
Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his
Wife, Lucrecia, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.
Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple,
Killing her instantly.

A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: ' Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the
head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?

Verne: 'Yes, sir, that's correct.'

Coroner: ' Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass.'

Verne: 'Was it a Titleist 3?'

Coroner: 'Yes, it was

Verne: 'That was my mulligan.'
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A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it... you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck.
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  • 3 months later...

Some insightful Golf Thoughts (Humorisms):

1. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

3. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

4. Everyone replaces his or her divot after a perfect approach shot.

5. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

6. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ... for a 10.

7. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

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8. Good course management includes aiming a healthy distance away from a hazard, and then duck-hooking into it anyway. 9. Spending 2 full minutes assessing your lie and the atmospheric conditions around you prior to hitting your shot is an excellent way to set yourself up for a topped rescue shot push-sliced even deeper into the woods.
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Originally Posted by Boyder

3. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

So very true LOL....

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The room was full of pregnant women with their partners.  The class was in full swing.  The  instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.  She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.  Walking is especially beneficial.  It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier."  Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.  The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.  Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor."

I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught..

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Forgive me if this has been posted before..

Tiger Woods travels to Ireland for a quick break,he rents a Volvo and drives to the West of Ireland.One day he drives his Volvo into a Petrol Station in Galway during his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware as to who the golf pro is,
"Top of the morning to you young fella!" he says
"Hi" says Tiger,"fill up my automobile please like a good man".

As Tiger leans over to get out of the car two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground. "What are they son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"And what would they be for then?" enquires the Irish man.

"They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger.

"Jaysus", says the Irish man, "Them boys at Volvo think of everything don't they!"

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  • 4 months later...

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree-house.

While the woman ties up the row-boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses.. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a Golf-course ?"

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  • 5 weeks later...

my 10 year old daughter made a father's day card and inside had this:

why do you wear two pairs of socks while playing golf? incase you get a hole in one!

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  • 7 months later...

Hey everyone. One of my favorite things about golf are the jokes. They are everywhere and VERY funny. So lets have a place where we can go and tell jokes and funny stories that you have seen, herd or.... you were the punch line to. So lets here them everyone. It's always a good time for a joke or two.

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Here's a dirty golf joke a non-golfer told me once.  Picture Janeane Garofalo , only a little more dry with blacker hair:

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were playing golf, when the blonde turns to the redhead and says, "Hey.  What do you say we make this more interesting?"  The redhead tossed her hair out of the way and said, "Ok." So they went and did something else.

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okay so a prostitute, a rabbi, and Tiger Woods walk into a bar. Well actually, they don't walk, they're just kind of....there. ANYWAYS, so a priest, a *****, and Rory, wait......damnit I always forget this joke.

Anyone get the Finding Nemo reference when the dad is telling a joke but "for a clown fish, he's not that funny"

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