Jump to content

Golf Jokes Master Thread

320 posts / 120885 viewsLast Reply

Recommended Posts

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the morning to ya". As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those thing my, son?" asks the attendant."They're called tees," replied Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger. "Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas working for Buick think of everything!"

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Bill was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough. When his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt, Bill exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Awards, Achievements, and Accolades

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.

At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Awards, Achievements, and Accolades

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fu#*^ng putt!!!"

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Awards, Achievements, and Accolades

Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Awards, Achievements, and Accolades

One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together.
After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.

"What do you do?" the first man asked.

"I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.

The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He than asked the man where he lived.

Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."

The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"


Then he asked "What color siding?"


"You got a silver Toyota?"

"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."

"That your red pickup next to it?"

Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope.

Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"

The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond?"


"Your buddy got black hair?"


"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.

"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"

The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the groin!"

The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Awards, Achievements, and Accolades

Normally I hate the endless emails people pass along to me just because they find them amusing (or they want to win a trip to Disney World

) but since this was a golf joke I thought I would share it...
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden...POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF...she was gone. After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Jerry, where are you?" Jerry yells back, "I'm over here in the ***** willows." Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Jerry; for the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!!

Ah it got edited, but that is fine.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

haven't heard this one yet, so I decided to share

A guy comes home after a round of golf and WHHAAAM! slaps his wife across the face.
"why did you do that ?!?!?" she screams.
"I'm hitting everything fat today" he answers

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Awards, Achievements, and Accolades

Q: Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A: A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"!
A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Awards, Achievements, and Accolades

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Want to join this community?

    We'd love to have you!

    Sign Up
  • TST Affiliates

    TourStriker PlaneMate
    Golfer's Journal
    FlightScope Mevo
    Use the code "iacas" for 10% off Mevo
  • Posts

    • Are you paying attention to your sleep and nutrition? Those are two huge factors in recovery.
    • I'm with @Yukari Last week I started with double, birdie, double, and in my younger days, I would have given up right there. Now I know better. Picked up another birdie on the front 9 for a respecable 38, had 3bogeys on the back 9, but birdied the last hole for another 38. Never give up.
    • What are some proven strategies to recover if you have to play 18 holes of tournament golf each day for 2, 3 or even 4 days.?   Right now my weekly practice is as follows   Monday Off Tuesda Par 3 course focusing on distance control with irons and 40 minute putting session Wed Range Day focusing on odd numbered irons and driver.  Experimental shots, hooking, slicing on purpose.   Thursday 9 holes for score,  maybe a short game range session Friday Another short game session (putting chipping, pitching) Saturday AM 9 holes for score, Afternoon Range session practicing shots needed for Sunday Sunday AM Hot Tub soak, drive to the course to arrive 1hour before.  Warm up through bag with wedges, odd numbered irons and driver 18 holes   I'd like to be able to do 18 Saturday and Sunday but need some tips on how not to be so sore Sunday if I'm going to play 2 18s in a row.      
    • Played Saturday at one of the tougher courses (for me) in my area which plays as a Par 72, 70.3/124 - 6,245 yds.  Some highlights/lowlights.  First hole is a 490 y Par 5 - Hit my tee shot weak right and the put a 5w out leaving me 180 to a downhill green.   Hit a 5i clean and looked to be online but once it cleared the hill, I lost sight of it.  As I get closer to the green, my ball is sitting not even 3' from the hole....miracle shot.  For the 3rd consecutive round, I birdie the first hole.  Made bogeys on 2-5. Hole 6 - 143y Par 3 - had one of my best iron shots of the day.  2 putt par. Hole 8 - Par 4 that is about 230 to the water from the tee.  Always have played this with my 3w to land safely before the water hazard.  It may be time to switch to 5w or 4i as my tee shot went into the water.  Ended up with Double Bogey. Finished the front 9 with a 44 which is always excellent here. Back 9 started off terribly as I went +7 over three holes.  This includes a triple bogey on hole 12.  Tee shot left me ~ 165 to the green.  Flew over it and landed in this spongey type of moss on the back tree line.  Took me 3 freaking shots to get back on the green. Back 9 was not much to write home about....had back to back pars but that was it.  Came in on 48 44/48 - 92.....I will say, my tee shots, irons, and putter were all working.  Even with a 92, I must have easily lost 10-12 shots from just around the green.  Frustrating but it tells me what to focus on.  Stats 1 Birdie 3 Pars 9 Bogeys 5 Double + 4 GIR 35 Putts 1 Penalty Sunday, I played at my home course.  Front 9 was nothing special as I went out with a 45 and I then proceeded to light it up on the first half of the back 9.  I started out Par, Birdie, Par, Par putting me -1 after 4 holes and E after 5 holes.   I then had a disappointing finish of Double, Par, Bogey, Double.  Finished 45/41 - 86 for the lowest round of the year.   4 rounds in with scores of 89,87,92,86 so hopefully that is a sign of things to come.  I am feeling much more comfortable on most shots from a driver to a putter.  Just need to get the feel back for around the green and hopefully the scores/handicap will drop.  In those 4 rounds, I have 5 birdies.  In 2019, it took me 16 rounds to get 5 birdies.  Stats 1 Birdie 6 Pars 7 Bogeys 4 Double + 6 GIR 32 Putts 1 Penalty  
    • I will and try to get some swing video this weekend.  My daughter is letting me use her fancy phone stand and I will be able to get behind the line and face on.  I will even put my Zepp on and give you the data from it for that swing.  That is weather permitting, right now in Central Texas with weather can be iffy with rain and thunderstorms.  That, and it is getting hotter than Hades already.
  • TST Blog Entries

  • Blog Entries

  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Cwmgr
      (43 years old)
    2. Gfleck067
      (31 years old)
    3. golf82
      (61 years old)
    4. JKnowlton
      (32 years old)

  • Create New...

Important Information

Welcome to TST! Signing up is free, and you'll see fewer ads and can talk with fellow golf enthusiasts! By using TST, you agree to our Terms of Use, our Privacy Policy, and our Guidelines.

The popup will be closed in 10 seconds...