I am suffering under the weight of the immense pressure I put on myself to do well. I have a huge ego that believes I should be able to do things greater than what’s probably reasonable or possible.
This means whenever I make progress, which is hard to see when my expectations are so high, it feels minute even when others may deem it a great success of improvement.
I believe this attitude comes from fear partially because I want to make golf a career in the future and I get so focused on that I forget how I actually am right now in reality, which makes me delusional to be honest.
Like I think/believe I can be a great golfer, I start thinking of myself playing great golf hitting my shots perfectly and that makes me think I should be or even am better than my current skill level. Then I start to get incredibly frustrated and start to berate myself when I make a mistake. Sometimes it becomes so much that I just have to laugh it off and just kinda say “It’s too stressful to even bother with”, and I stop caring.
I have thoughts like; “I’m not good enough”, “I need to be better”, When I tell people I want to be a golfer I think “they probably think I’m better than I actually am so I need to live up to that”. That last one is so annoying because I start doing things that make me LOOK better but not actually BE better.
I’ve only been playing for 5 months but this belief system has been carried over from other areas of my life which I have had the same problem.
It’s incredibly frustrating because I can recognise this pattern and want to change it but I think I’ve been doing it for so long that it’s become a habit. I’m not sure what I can do to change it but I wanted to write this to see if by sharing this and getting it out of my head I can ground myself in reality instead of getting lost in fantasy land.
I get headaches sometimes just trying to figure this out.
I think I need to admit to myself that I’m just not that good right now, but have the ability to improve and practise and with time I will get better.
Now that I think about it this is actually very, very hard to admit, like it just won’t get through to my brain.
I haven’t got my handicap yet which doesn’t help me with judging how good I actually am either.
Right now I just want to enjoy golf one shot at a time because I really love to play, and get rid of this ego which stops me from doing so.
I am willing to let go of this belief within me.
I wrote this for myself but if you have anything to say that may help me I would be very grateful.