UPS to Unveil ‘Damaged Contents’ Zone

Package delivery company FedEx, title sponsor of next year’s “FedExCup” on the PGA Tour, has gotten an early jump on things this year with the “FedEx Reliability Zone.” If you’ve watched televised golf this year, you’ve no doubt seen the “FERZ.” Displayed on par 4s and 5s, the FERZ is a purple shaded area about 270 yards to 310 yards from the tee and spanning the entire width of the fairway. Roughly the size of smaller states such as Vermont, announcers use the FERZ as a means of displaying just how important it is to find the fairway. Oftentimes, the purple haze is used to illustrate stats such as these:

Location            Scoring Average
From Inside Zone        3.87
From Outside Zone       4.12

FedEx said in a press release months ago “We hope to establish not only our brand identity, through the use of purple shading, but also to pair the name ‘FedEx’ with the word ‘reliability,’ as FedEx has always stood for on-time, safe delivery of your packages, envelopes, and that stuff you bought off eBay at 3am.” Critics cite the fact that FedEx has been unreliable delivering Rory Sabbatini to the 18th green on time in any of his rounds this year.

Not to be outdone, rival package shipper UPS today announced the immediate availability of the “UPS Damaged Contents Zone,” a zone that will display the areas in which golfers should not attempt to hit the ball. Said UPS spokesperson Anita Senssahoomer, “There’s more to golf than finding the fairway, and the UPS Damaged Contents Zone will put the question “what can brown do for you?” at the forefront of our customer’s minds when crap happens, on the golf course or in package shipping. By pairing ‘damaged contents’ with the proven package handling of UPS, we will establish in our customer’s minds an indelible image.” UPS stock is down 18% in after-market trading.

Bad April Fool’s Day jokes aside, is there anything lamer than the Reliability Zone in broadcast golf these days? Wait, let me revise that question: is there anything – excluding The Golf Channel’s coverage of any professional golf event – lamer than the FERZ in broadcast golf these days?

“The Zone” is often 30+ yards long and stretches the entire width of the fairway. In other words, it is so large it includes the drives of just about everyone from Tiger Woods (when he manages to find the fairway) to Fred Funk. That’s not a “zone,” that’s simply called “driving your ball in the fairway.” The Zone would be better applied to a specific side of the fairway, a specific location on the green from which the putts are easiest, or even a specific wedge yardage for an individual player laying up on a par five. Instead, “The Zone” is merely a corporate answer to the age-old question: is it better to hit it anywhere in the fairway or find the rough off the tee?” Did we really need FedEx to tell us what common sense already should have?

Finally, what happened to last year’s reliability zone? The 2005 Zone showed the Tour average for proximity to the hole on approach shots and also the particular player’s average distance from the given yardage. I found it a whole lot more informative than the current “here’s the benefit to hitting the fairway” contrivance.

In the end, the FedEx Reliability Zone is nothing more than a bad joke played out several times per hour on unsuspecting golf fans.