When the wife and I fight, which really isn’t that often, it is almost inevitably about golf and how much time I am spending on it. After spending quite a bit of time on golf forums I know that I am not alone. I often see guys hiding their new golf purchases by shipping their new clubs to the office, or rushing home at the end of the day to get the UPS box that has Callaway written on it before the wife sees it. Sadly even if the logo was not on the box, the shape and size of box holding a golf club is unmistakeable, especially to the eagle eyes of wives. My wife, when reaching her point of most upset, will without fail say “Why didn’t you just marry golf?”
Golf is certainly a time-consuming sport. Consider the average round of golf is four hours plus driving time to and from can be anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, then add in lunch and a beer after the round and you are now at the six to seven hour mark from garage down to garage up. If there’s a tournament, well then all the schedules are thrown out the window, as some could take most of or even all of the day. Some guys at my club try to cheat time a little by teeing off around at dawn and finishing in a little over three hours be home before 9:00. One of the guys told me he is home before his wife even wakes up. This is clearly one way to manage it, but it is still is a great deal of time essentially wasted.
The thing about golf is that if all I ever had to do was play it once a week and I would continue to get progressively better then this would be great. But golf, like most any athletic endeavor takes practice, and practice is even more time dedicated either during the week or on the weekends. Then if you are like me you spend a ridiculous amount of time scouring golf forums and reading articles trying to find a tip or some instruction that will help you improve faster. If I calculated the amount of time I have spend researching golf on the Internet I am sure I would be embarrassed by the total. The thing is, after doing all that research I am getting better, which only makes the cycle worse, because I have seen some improvement from spending this time doing the research I think I need to do even more of it. It is a vicious cycle. Am I addicted? I guess a psychologist would have to tell me that, but if my wife is the judge then the answer is for sure!
Then there is the aspect that golf is not a cheap hobby. A new driver with a hefty price tag of three hundred to four hundred dollars is nothing to shake a stick (or a new putter) at. Walk into any golf store and the average price of new irons can easily approach a thousand dollars. Now you need to buy golf balls and pay an average of over hundred bucks to get on the course. We have not even started to talk about lessons, training aids, gloves, a bag to put the clubs in and of course range balls. The only thing I can do for free at the golf course is chip and putt.
Once my wife utters her “marry golf” comment I usually laugh, which definitely does me no favors, because one cannot be married to golf. I will typically spend Saturday afternoons and Sundays with my wife and my young daughter so they are far from being neglected. But if it is a really nice day, the sun is shining and it is approaching 80 degrees, I cannot help but wonder what it is like out on the course at that time. I am sure my wife can see it. In some ways many of you who live in colder climates where golf shuts down do have some time to hang out with the family more. In some ways that might be better. Although it would make me want to play even more when the weather is good.
I am sure to some of you guys my writings here sound like they’re from a foreign land, especially the young guys who are not yet married. Many times some young guy will inevitably post that his girlfriend is so understanding blah blah, and the older guys in the crowd will just attempt to tell him to wait until they are married. I used to be one of those young guys. Just wait, young guys, just wait. There are some of you very lucky guys who have a very understanding wife who have heard stories of struggles from the rest of us, you are in the minority from what I can tell.
Golf in my opinion is the greatest game ever invented. Certainly some will argue otherwise and this is only an opinion but one can never ever conquer golf. Even Tiger has struggled from time to time. It is passion unlike any other which demands you to continue to work at it to not only get better but to even maintain your level of competence. This is something I cannot explain to my wife. I can’t expect her to understand this part of it. Still I would argue you cannot marry it because in the end it is only a game.
If it isn’t golf its something else. Basically, anything you do that doesn’t involve spending time with the princess will piss her off. I took this as a confirmation piece that other women give their husbands the same jealous fits that mine gives me.
THE GOLDEN RULE… Its easier to get forgiveness than permission
Golf can also an escape from the trials of life. The last thing I need is another reason to go escape (hint hint ladies).
Well SJ145 I know exactly what you are talking about. My ex was okay with me doing things before we were married and slowly tried to corral my activities. Some spouses just can’t handle the fact you have fun doing something that does not involve them.
H – So let me get this straight, what you’re saying is all I think about is golf? That I never spend time with you?
W – Well, you do spend some time with me.
H – So, I spend some time with you but not enough?
W- I think you spend some time with us, but I’m concerned about all this money and time on one hobby.
H – I hear you and I’m concerned, too. How can we make both of us happy?
W – I’m not sure
H – Well, what if we agree on a reasonable amount to spend on golf, and agree on times I play?
W – That will help.
H – Our marriage is more important than a game (wink, wink). Let’s meet once per month to go over budget and savings, and what our schedules look like – and we can plan your time and my time when we do that.
W- Sounds like a plan. Thanks, Honey…
Okay, the wink, wink was a joke. But in the above you recognize her concerns and don’t come across as defensive. You restate her position so she is not as defensive – note the use of “all” and “never.” Keep on restating her position until she realizes that maybe she is out of line, and starts using less offensive words. Then you take leadership by suggesting a solution to meet her concerns while all the time you are empathetic.
@ Mr. Desmond
Your conversation above buys only time… don’t doubt me here. There will come a day when you have to pay the piper. Also, you are assuming that husband and wife could have some sort of logical discussion on how much time and money are spent. My wife would eat you alive, friend!!
I think to achieve true freedom from the grips of a “green-eyed” woman you have to thoroughly piss ’em off. Go play golf all day if you want!!! I mean really… whats she gonna do??
My wife is great and puts up with a lot of golf stuff… usually if I’m not playing golf I’m talking about golf or going to golf stores and stuff like that… and I take her with me and she usually doesn’t mind. I’m actually trying to get her more involved now and she seems to like it. It gets easier when it’s something both of you can do together.
To scottyjoe – No one would eat me alive because I don’t allow it. Been there, done that, I don’t get into “eat me alive” discussions. I walk until they can talk.
If they don’t talk rationally, it’s time for a third party professional – counseling. The purpose of the discussion above is to get a wife to think about what she’s saying – to help her get to a rational place. If she’s not rational and doesn’t take to empathetic leadership, then it’s time for counseling, and if she is still talking to the walls – her walking papers. Life is too short.
And what can she do if you keep on playing? C’mon, they get passive-aggressive, resentful, and eventually divorce you. And they bring you down the tubes into depression — which makes you golf even more as it turns into an addiction and an escape, making the problem worse.
So your job is to take the bull by the horns and show leadership – solve the problem now instead of having them literally drive you crazy.
I love this article, it gets to the heart of several forum discussions going on right now. My wife is fairly accepting of my golf but when she isn’t I really don’t care. Like I have said several times in the past I divorced my first wife because she wanted to limit my golf.
I will play golf when I want to, but I do fit into the category above of the guys who try to tee off at dawn and get home early. I live 5 minutes from the course and I skip that beer afterwards and usually head straight from the 18th green to my car. I also have a second job at a golf course so the cost of my obsession does not impact my families finances.
You have to be realistic and try to work with your significant other in order to try and make the time at the course work as well as possible with their schedule as well. Playing early, practicing during lunch breaks, etc. And when that’s not possible you have to be man enough to stand up to her or if you don’t then stop complaining about the lack of time you get to play golf.
That was big talk…
The point I was trying to make must’ve gotten lost in my sarcasm. Any married man knows this is a recurring conversation… not one that goes away after you’ve hashed it out. In order to truly help them see reality you must 1) have that rational discussion 2) never have it again… which is impossible… so you inevitably piss them off.
Unless a women has the rare desire to play fair, she usually won’t. They will piss and moan until things start looking their way. Their language and behavior are cleverly designed to give you grief until you succumb. The title of this article is proof of that. The answer is to not fall prey to their pouty lips, for that is only a trap. The answer is to continue on the path of your original intention. Why?? Because you are a man.
GOLDEN RULE #2… A boy does what he can, a man does what he wants.
big talk comment @ Mr. Desmond
Warning: the following post may dive a little deeper than what your are commonly comfortable with discussing in these forums.
I realize everyone is not on the same page when it comes to marriage, and especially when our hobbies conflict with our marriage. but here’s my thoughts anyway, feel free to take the meat and throw away the bones.
Its so much easier to choose the hobby… it almost never fails to yield a reward, demands nothing from us that we don’t already desire to give, and is always there for us, ready to impart the same joy and fulfillment we’ve grown to expect over the years.
Marriage on the other hand is demanding, revealing, hard work, and often tugs at the very things we would rather not yield.
But I want to call into question our manhood here. What kind of men are we if at the end of the day we have failed to keep our word? Does this sound familiar: “I take you, to have and to hold… for better or for worse… to love and to cherish… from this day forward…” ?
Now the question on the floor is, when you made that vow, did you really plan to keep it or were you merely rehearsing sentimental jargon? I would suggest that you have made no greater promise in your whole life than what you said at the alter. (hmm… alter, a place of sacrifice?)
So let me cut to the chase. I would urge men wrestling with this to consider the greater challenge and embrace it. Put Golf in its proper place, put your wife in her proper place, and honor your word. If that means scaling back, do it… but don’t just scale back on golf, scale up on your wife/family.
The irony is… the wives, in all of their complaining about time/resources spent on golf, are doing what we as men should be doing, and that is fighting for our marriages, fighting to keep our vows.
I don’t know, Scotty. It’s not talk because I do it on a daily basis.
And it works for me and that’s what counts. When you’re middle-aged and have been through the ringer, you read, you see pros, you learn, you listen, you try what you learn, and you know what – it works for me and for those who socialize with me and work with me.
Admittedly, it won’t work with narcissists or others with mental health issues — that’s why counseling is suggested in certain situations.
I’ve already lived through these issues, already made the mistakes, and I’ve learned what works. When you become aware and listen, the big talk becomes big action.
Good luck with what you’re doing.
I’m not married to golf… I’m married to a lovely wife – who accepts my golf habit.
There are a few things that I’ve incorporated to help that I’ll share here…
1.) One of the big reasons it works for the both of us is that when I play on the weekends – it is very early AM. So I get back and have at least a half day with her – and the evening. I set aside quality time for the two of us.
2.) And when I know there is say a 2-day tournament, or outing which will take up a full day or weekend – I let her know well in advance so that she can make plans with her girlfriend(s) or my mother-in-law. This way, she doesn’t feel like she is just sitting at home alone while I’m out playing golf.
3.) I really think one of the most important things that has helped our relationship stay strong is encouragement and support of my wife’s interest outside of work. For instance, my wife got into triathlons from her two aunts that do Ironman(s) year after year. While my wife doesn’t do the Ironman, she will train and do full and half tri’s. I always ask her how she is doing with training, and discuss her calendar to help her plan and pick races. Heck, I even bought a road bike for myself to ride with her too. I felt it would be a good means of exercise, and a great way to spend time with her. Having a wife with a passion or hobbie like this really – REALLY helps a relationship.
4.) Lastly, I think it is important to go to dinner at least once a week. It’s a way to take her out and show her appreciation for her working hard (she works her tail off during the week) and contributing to our family.
So far, I’ve been married for 8yrs – and honestly, I don’t recall a time when my wife told me I couldn’t play golf or didn’t want me to play. Hopefully this helps some of the others out there who feel guilty or find issues with the wife regarding your golf addiction.
I’ve been married 10 years, best thing to do is get the wife interested in golf and make it some quality time, that way you get to play and she gets to be involved and maybe she’ll even appreciate you wanting to work on your game. But both husband/wife need time alone with the boys/girls or you’ll go crazy!
I’m a recently married 25 year old and have a few experiences with this subject (don’t we all).
One is, I’ve been playing with her older friends at work (males obviously). She has a group of older guys that she sometimes goes to lunch with and converse with on a regular basis. I’ll go out once a week with them and it seems to be a non issue — The next day at work they talk about the round,make fun of one another, and talk about how good I played (usually…one of them can keep up with me).They also had her sign a contract that said ” I will not only allow but encourage (insert my name) all golf play for the rest of my life”. Always helps . She has yet to say I golf too much or need to cut back. So far so good.
Another good point I’ve been preaching to her is: I’ve been golfing with work people a lot, my boss, his boss etc. You never know how far a good round will go if you impress your boss and his boss. Shot the lowest round of my life with my boss and he was impressed. It def can’t hurt your chances at that next promotion or what have you. What a great game!
One idea that hasn’t really been talked about is actually getting your significant other involved in the game. I got my fiance some clubs and took her to the driving range. She didn’t think much of it until she started hitting the ball a bit better. I began trying to get her to come out with me as a form of exercise. (she was on a health/exercise kick). We began playing weekly rounds. Started with 9 and worked up to 18 walking. She really enjoys playing the game and just doing an activity with me. She actually made her first par a couple weeks ago, and that basically got her hooked.
The big thing is to make sure the game doesn’t come between you and your SO. Make sure that you help get the chores done and spend time with her, the kids and family.
Phew!! Heavy stuff. I have retired now so my time at golf is good healthy exercise as far as she is concerned … and also I avoid the “husband-under-foot” syndrome. Women who have been used to total run of the house for years don’t really like having someone else around watching TV or taking up space in the living room. So i am doing it for her benefit….giving her space, you know what I mean.
Been married 36 years and only been playing golf for10. I would have never imagined myself as involved and hooked on the game as I became but it was like the right key to unlock something inside of me that needed to come out. After all these years I hope my wife has figured that out and realized thie game has been a much needed combination of physical activity, mental challenge and stress relief, commune with nature, haniging out with some cool people and, to some it up, a healthy addiction. Yea it can be expensive if you let it become but I manage to resist that and a lot of the hype that goes along with golf equipment and gadgets. I keep my score cards as a reminder of all the time and money I have spent on rounds but there’s also some nice scores on some of them for memories into my aging years. I do envy guys whose wives and girlfriends like to play golf though. To me golf is as much a way of life as it is a game and it’s not for everyone. Apparently my wife is one of those people but she knows better than to try and take me away from it.
I share the same thoughts with Beachcomber .
My wife let me enjoy my 1st half of my Saturday and dont complain much unless i m late for lunch if i caught up at the course due to very slow play.
My problem is that, after the excessive golf (I counted 68 hours one month- before he started taking pains to keep me from knowing all the hours he plays), my husband comes home and plays catch up- making calls, running errands, watching recorded sports events, doing the things he wants to do when he’s not playing golf. I have told him that if he wants to play so much golf, he needs to be *present* for the kids and me when he comes home. Now just using the word “present” is a trigger for an argument. He has told me that he *hates* that word, along with the word “gratitude”- WTF!? If he were sitting around drinking or playing a video game, everyone would agree it poses an addiction problem. Why is it that it’s okay just because it’s golf?