Goodbye, Eye Candy

I woefully regret that it has taken me more a week to learn of the grim news. Eye Candy Caddies, a reputable British business entity which provides (theoretically) capable and attractive young women to serve as loopers is currently in the process of being blacklisted; it’s services having been banned from a number of courses in England managed by the villainous entity known as Leaderboard Golf.

I am in shock. Truly beside myself, I can barely type. Short of crying “global-fascist-new-world-order-conspiracy” or “the feminists are at it again,” I don’t know what to do, other than shout to God in Heaven to intercede, smiting Leaderboard Golf in the process.

I am not entirely sure what’s wrong with having an attractive young woman (who may or may not know anything about golf) carrying one’s golf bag, nor what Leaderboard Golf, the offended party, means by referring to “outmoded notions of golf as a male bastion.” All I know is that if I, as a wealthy and probably married business man alone, or with my buddies, want to have a scantily clad 20-something carry my golf bag for me, I should have the right to do so in England or anywhere else. After all, paid company, whether in public or private, is a pillar of any decent society! Just look at Victorian England!

Not only is a truly great service being provided to amateurs, professionals can access the site as well. Who needs important information about the break of a putt, wind direction, or yardage? I say, give me something in a short skirt with a limited vocabulary any day. My basic point being: if I were Henrik Stenson, I would be on my way to eyecandycaddies.com, giving the aptly named Fanny Sunneson her marching orders.

At risk of really offending anyone, let me stop here and say the following: None of the previous was said with any degree of sincerity.

The best part of the entire arrangement is that it only sounds a little like prostitution, which it may or may not actually be. There seems to be, at least implied on the agency’s website, a sort of “you do the math” scenario in much the same way that the local strip club isn’t going to be checking in on you in the VIP room, or asking why your companion has emerged with $500 in her hands.

The utilization of such a service is lewd, comical, and disrespectful, both to the game of golf and to those unfortunates that have to watch the pathetic flirtation which is sure to be part and parcel of any Eye Candy Caddie/customer interaction. I am not sure a formal ban is necessary, however, if one of my buddies shows up for a round of golf (probably the one that still boasts of conquering teenagers when he’s 30) accompanied by a caddie from the service, I would certainly both laugh and refuse to permit such frat boy nonsense in my foursome.

In short, it’s pathetic. If you’re at the point where you need to pay for on-course companionship, you are, I think it’s safe to say, having serious self-esteem issues; you have become tragicomic figure who ought to seek out professional help.

The worst thing on the ECC website is the following:

When you pay for an Eye Candy Caddie you get her services for 18 holes of golf, plus “a drink at the club house for approximately one hour.” In other words, you can tell your buddies that this is “your date” and everyone will see you with a gorgeous woman… heck if the price is right who knows!

In her article on Golf Digest’s website, Stina Sternberg asks, “Where should golf courses draw the line when it comes to hired help? Many don’t seem to have a problem enlisting cute cart girls to drive around in short shorts and sell beer to their players. Is that entirely different than hocking unqualified model caddies?”

Entirely different? No. Quite different? Yes. There is no insinuation of prostitution with the cart girl, she isn’t “accompanying” any players for a drink following the round, and she is, for some clubs, a crucial and profitable figure.

At the club where I work, for example, there’s a tournament every year held by a company whose name I won’t mention at which actual strippers are hired to drive the beer cart. I can’t tell you the sorts of things which I have seen as a result, or heard said, or the amount of times I have seen them literally driving on tee boxes and greens, but I believe it is sufficient to say that inserting actual, potential, or apparent sexual companions for golfers on the course is a less than stellar or reputable idea.

Additionally, the question of “escort-caddies” brings to mind all the bad behavior which seems to be endemically linked to all-male “golf trips.” I don’t want to be a moralist here, but I think golf can bring out both the best in worst in men, particularly. Think of the difference between playing a round of golf with Shivas Irons (of Golf in the Kingdom) or filling out the foursome with Palmer, Nicklaus and Woods, and heading to Las Vegas for five days of drunken bro-fest with the traditional, predictable, chain of events.

Call me conservative, or reactionary, but we would be better off if Eye Candy Caddies weren’t walking the fairways. The service is, however, just the tip of the veritable iceberg of bad golf behavior, which can surely be identified at any municipal course, resort or country club on any given day. This should be the true subject of scrutiny and it is this herefore unnamed “stuff” which really makes golf appear (to some) as a particularly disgusting “male bastion”.