Since I have been in the habit of airing my grievances as of late, I’m going to continue that trend for another week, albeit with a much more insidious target than Phil Mickelson. Those of us who play golf regularly and attend tournaments are most certainly familiar with this individual; although, as I learned quite recently, his natural habitat may be the driving range (more specifically, the indoor golfing facility).
Before we meet our antagonist (in every sense of the word), some backstory… The Family First Golf Dome here in Erie, PA is neither a comfortable nor a pleasant place. Being the only “driving range” open in the winter, it’s by default the best one. Attempting to work on one’s game there is a profoundly awkward endeavor, balls (driveway gravel) are quite overpriced and overcrowding is often an issue.
An area essentially the size of a soccer field (and, it seems, often doubling as one, given the markings, the surface, and the large metal goals at each side) is encased in a bubble of blue and white plastic. Hit a full wedge? You hit the ceiling. Hit a driver? You get to see 1/3 of the ball’s flight before it smacks into the opposite end of the enclosure. In short, it’s an okay place to work on your short game if you don’t mind hitting off carpet to study the way your ball reacts when landing upon another type of carpet, neither of have anything in common with grass except the color green.
With all this in mind, obviously my expectations were rather low for my recent visit to the aforementioned establishment. I’ve always said that nothing inspires the less-than-serious golfer to drag the clubs up from the basement and head into a large plastic bag to shank a few like a gray and blustery day in late February. And so inspired, I made my way to The Dome to hit a few wedges and test out some equipment with a friend (the TM R9 is quite an armament, the Titleist 909F3, also).
Everything was going well. By this I mean I waited the customary 20 minutes for a stall to open before two juiced Alpha Tau guys picked up their MuscleMilk (no, really) and moved on to bigger and better things. I engaged in a comedic “testing” (duffing) of a few clubs and honed my expert wedge game in my first few minutes on the mat. Gradually, however, I became aware of a disturbance in the hitting area directly to my right. The disturbance was large, he was loud, and he looked like Larry the Cable Guy while fancying himself a veritable David Leadbetter.
I had of course, seen this individual before, not him, per se, but his brethren (perhaps “he” appears as a female too, but not in my limited experience). Last time I saw him, I was sitting on the PGA Tour’s signature green bleachers with my brother at the WGC Bridgestone Invitational attempting to watch various Tour standouts beating balls on the range.
As a side note, let me say to you +2 handicappers, you 2 handicappers, and you “I’m going to be on tour-ers” you have no idea just how much better professional golfers are than you until you’ve spent a while watching their range sessions… this never fails to amaze me and my tournament going colleagues, some of whom have no problem shooting well under par on a regular basis.
Anyways, we’re sitting there, minding our own business, watching the show and he is sitting behind us, and in case you didn’t know, he knows everything about golf (and, we might assume, everything about everything). His signature maneuver is arrogantly presenting rudimentary (and often completely incorrect) insights into a golfer’s swing as though he’s cracked the human genome.
“You see that,” he says, “Vijay has a two plane swing, he needs to switch to a one plane swing if he wants to compete.”
“Tiger slides his hips too much on the downswing, it’s sapping his power.”
“All power in the swing is generated by snapping the club like a whip and swinging as hard as you can.”
I wasn’t sure who he was talking to, and indeed, he never seems to care, he is, always, a teacher standing before his pupils – an orator before an enthused populace. From his mouth spews a stream of endless golfing wisdom, loudly and boldly, of course. He’s probably a 20 handicapper, is skeptical of golf technology, plays often at municipal courses, correcting the swing flaws of his awful playing partners, and is generally bellicose in all settings. In this particular case, the magnitude of his insights compelled me to vacate the bleachers for the company of less learned individuals.
I saw him again at a municipal range over the summer, praising his ball striking (210 with a driver, push slice) and discussing his recent swing changes with an enthralled associate (shifting more weight to the left side during the downswing, keeping his head still and other such revolutionary insights). When he showed up at the Golf Dome, however, I had no idea the aggravation which was about to ensue.
Our antagonist was “instructing” his mother in the ways of golf. Red in the face and at high volume he was telling this poor 60-year-old woman what was wrong with her golf swing and five different things to do in order to correct the problems. Not surprisingly, his advice, which was generally incorrect, wasn’t helping her at all and he became increasingly belligerent.
“What are you doing? What are you even thinking about? Just do what I say!”
“You’re not turning your hips! Stop thinking about what to do!”
He spewed such ludicrous and contradictory advice for the better part of an hour, selflessly neglecting his own game in order to impart his wisdom to another individual. His mother, no doubt, thought she was just out to hit a few balls and pass the time. Little did she know she was about to have a one-on-one session with the greatest teacher ever and make the transition from shooting 130 to routinely breaking 80 under his sage counsel.
Generally aghast, I had a few questions running through my mind while overhearing his lesson. Who treats their mother that way? How does this guy consider himself an authority on golf or golf instruction? Is he going to have an aneurysm? Ultimately, however, my problem with this individual in particular, and the typology in general, has to do with their continual need to impart their own rudimentary insights into the game (often to a disinterested audience) as a method of padding their own egos rather than out of any appreciation for (or understanding of) the game of golf.
I was with Ben. I had to walk away when, after what was clearly her best shot of the afternoon – a mild push-slice that remained airborne until it reached the far wall 70 yards away – the guy proceeded to tell her everything she’d done wrong.
This was a woman who, on his advice, hit the ball between her legs or so crooked at least three times that she hit the dividers between the stalls. She’d just managed to pump one out to what would have been about 100 yards, and the appropriate reaction was apparently to tell her the many things she did “wrong.”
Unbelievable.
Everyone has experienced idiots like the one you described. It doesn’t matter what sport or topic for that matter, they are there. In my opinion they are generally desperate to inflate your opinion of them, so they try to be the expert. It’s just really sad he felt the need to inflict himself on his mother, who could probably post as good a round as he.
Typical know-it-all. The exist everywhere, and are the bane of life.
The reason people act this way is they LACK confidence. Anytime you see someone acting like this you know you are dealing with a very insecure person.
Hytrew, having been one of these people in a previous (high school) life, I back your insecurity theory 100%.
Unbelievable is right, Erik! What a fantastic insight by Ben!!
Only when asked do I ever offer any assistance, and it is only assistance. I am asked to stand behind my friends/family members and let them know if they are lined up or squared to their intended target. I can’t even bring myself to tell them anything other than what they ask for…I’m not qualified to do so!
As will be noted all too many times, I get annoyed with the “know-it-all know-nothing” types, but I use them as a great exercise in self-restraint. That really is all they are good for.
Very well written and explained!
hey! stop writing these nasty articles about me.
sooooorrry if i like to impart some wisdom that i’ve attained over the years onto those with abilities much less skilled than my own.
and by the way, i’m a 19 handicap, not a 20 🙄
Ben & Erik, I too am a poor sap stuck in the hole of Erie, PA and know all too well what atmosphere the Golf Dome is. Unfortunately the place is just a shark for money so they’ll cut many corners at the lowest cost, to make a buck. Half the time I go up there it’s either football or soccer practice. The simulator up there isn’t a bad deal but that’s always packed because you can never get on the range because of youth soccer or football. So, I suffer because I don’t want to take the 20 minute drive to get there. Needless to say I’ve learned to call ahead. But very good point you guys.
Great article. As usual, very articulate and well written. Being a golf fanatic in Alabama, I must say we have way more than our fair share of these individuals. Just try keeping them away if you have a child at the range. You see, I have the blessing of a four year old son who’s a fellow golf nut (I have no delusions that he is a future tiger. However, at four he has been a constant golfing companion for two years and is good enought to be a legitimate scrample partner to my 13 handicap hacking. Plus, there’s nothing like father-son time.) and have literally had to shoo such idiots away from him like stray dogs at the local driving range. Here I am, enjoying some rare spare time while passing on this wonderful game to my son, only to have some ogre wander over and start sharing his mouth-breathing opinion of my child’s swing. These guys should be sterilized and put to work as targets on the driving range.
Sorry, had to get that off my chest.
Well written article, a truly great read. I have encountered very few of these, thankfully. These kind of individuals are the worst kind of golfers.
This comment made me laugh, perfectly placed in the article:
“Is he going to have an aneurysm?”
I’m at 20.1 handicap, I do give advice to others (blind leading blind and all that), but I’m not one of these guys that know everything.
I know a few of those guys. I always seemed to get matched with them at my men’s nite. They’re the same ones who always hit 260 – 270 yard drives on a 400 yard hole, but always seem to have about 170 yards left to the pin for their second.
)
I was a little disappointed in your opinion of the dome, though. We used to have one here and I would much rather hit 70 yard drives into a net than sit on my hands listening to the “experts” on the golf channel. I think you’re being a bit hard on them, though your observations are accurate.
I also agree with Adam — anything more than alignment observations, and leave me out. I don’t let amateurs tell me how to run my business, and the same goes for my, or anyone else’s, swing.
I will tell you that usually, the better the amateur, the worse the advice is when it is offered. Quite often performing well and being able to teach well are two different skills. At my last course there was an amateur who could beat our pro but couldn’t teach a soul how to open a door (though he thought he could). You are also correct about the difference between a +2 and a playing pro. They are amazing. They play a different game than I do, and that’s quite ok. They love theirs, and I love mine.
Keep up the challenging writing (and start liking Phil a little more, please?
god I hate having to deal with these people, though At some points i wouldnt even call them people. At one point this summer i was at the range with my dad before we went out to play. The whole time all we heard was this middle aged beer bellied moron yelling at his kid about how he was/ wasnt doing the two second type that johnny miller had spouted of during the tourny last week. As soon as the man decided that his own son sucked to much to be taught, he decides to move over to me, first standing and watching me from behind for about ten minutes, then going and telling my dad how he should tell me this and that, all complete garbage that was counter to what any competent golfer would think
Golf etiquette 101: Never give golf advice to anyone unless they ask for it.
I can hold my own on a golf course – never took a lesson, play 10-15 times per year and have broken 80 a bunch of times. The managing partner of my firm is an “18” (really a 30) and everytime we play he insists on giving advice to anyone and everyone. It’s the rudest friggin’ thing I’ve ever witnessed.
I played with a guy like this once. Me, my wife, her friend, and the guy. We finally told him to leave when, on one hole, he actually held my wife’s friend’s hair while she made a swing, a-la the young Nicklaus and Jack Grout (or Grout’s assistant…whoever held Jack’s hair).
Not every guy like this is bad, though. When I lived in the Hampton Roads region of Virginia, one of the local courses had this old, arthritic range rat who used to just camp on the range. He’d walk back and forth giving unsolicited advice. If you showed any interest in what he was saying, he glommed onto you for a half hour, giving you a free lesson. But he actually seemed to help people; there were a few pretty good golfers at that course who I saw taking lessons from him. He wasn’t a PGA pro, and he was so old and arthritic I have no idea if he actually knew what he was doing. But he could help you hit the ball better.
IMO, the one that is worse than the one you wrote about, is the dad berating his 8 year old similar to that guy berating his mother.
At least she’s an adult and can walk away. The kid is doomed for 10 more years with the dad that thinks he can create the next Tiger.
I have to say, guys like that appear in every sport and I have learned to let their drivel just roll out my ears. If I don’t ask for your advice, why should I listen. At least I can turn this jacka$$ off but the guy who yells “IN THE HOLE” every time a pro hits a shot needs a golf towel shoved down his throat. JMO.
Gary – all I can say to that is “YOU DA MA- gag!choke!!ralph!”
Will we ever be free of “YDM!”? And did that really all start with John Daly @ Hazeltine? I can’t remember …
thats why a few girlfriends who asked for me to teach them got an introduction and thats it. I will pay to have somebody teach them so i dont kill what little interest in the game they might develop.
Standing around correcting your girl, while she gets frustrated does not make for a fun relationship. I even pick out a good looking instructor for them…they can have all the fun they want with the lesson…she goes home with me 😎