At some point in the past decade or so, Golf Digest became a lifestyle magazine. With reviews of $100,000 cars and style columns featuring $250 belts, Golf Digest morphed from golf magazine and something more like an off-shoot of the Robb Report. At best, it’s become a great way to scoff at the elite members of society who happen to play golf while reading through the same re-trodden tips you read a few years ago. At worst, it’s a coffee table flipbook for top-tier country clubs – completely worthless to the 98% of golfers who don’t need to spend a hundred grand to drive to their local muni or $250 to hold up their pants.
The latest evidence – not counting the belts and cars, of course – comes in the form of Editor in Chief Jerry Tarde’s “Golf’s Five Sacred Rules.” This week in Trap Five we take a quick look at Tarde’s “rules” and come up with a real list of five sacred rules – if, that is, we’re sufficiently pretentious enough to think that golf is religious enough to warrant calling anything “sacred.”
Tarde’s List
The column (despite the title) applies only to private country clubs, of which I belong to one and have played at several. Let’s have a look at the rules the title would have us believe apply to all of golf.
Tarde’s Number Five
No cell phones on the course or in the clubhouse. (One club I know is very tough on this: Mobile phones are only permissible sitting in your car in the parking lot with the windows rolled shut. A friend of mine adheres to this rule with his convertible top down.)
I have my cell phone with me at all times. It’s got a weather application that I can use to check the proximity of an incoming storm. It’s got a calendar so I can check availability for future tee times. And, lo and behold, it’s got a phone so that my wife can reach me when plans change and I can reach the clubhouse in an emergency (partner has a heart attack, cart runs out of juice or gets stuck or driven into a lake, six-some in front of us is holding up play and needs to be split up, etc.).
Instead, cell phone usage should be judged on a case-by-case basis. Not once in fielding the occasional call from my wife have I held up or distracted play. I’m as annoyed by the guy loudly talking about his stock portfolio with his broker while holding up play as the next guy. If you want to make a rule, how about the far more reasonable “ban the behavior, not the instrument.”
Tarde’s Number Four
Take off your hat when you go indoors or when sitting down to eat.
Because hat hair is so much more attractive. Let me put it this way: if it’s perfectly acceptable to wear spikes, I see no problem wearing a lid as well. My country club has a grill room where spikes and hats are worn by virtually everyone, and a dining room where they are not worn by anyone. Guys don’t take their hats off in the locker room or the pro shop. They don’t take their hats off at the halfway house or when greeting women.
Sorry, Jerry, but you’re showing your age here, and the “hats off” rule is murky at best. Rather than draw up a hard and fast rule, I prefer the rule of “When in Rome…”
Tarde’s Number Three
No blue jeans, even the expensive kind.
Though I personally won’t wear blue jeans to play golf (I may have once, when it was winter, beneath some snow pants…), I couldn’t really care less what someone else wears. This is yet another of the rules that says more about those attempting to enforce the rules than those who might break them.
And do these rules apply only to men? Tarde never really says. Perhaps he’s assuming that the only women Tarde will run into at these private clubs will be asking him what he’d like to drink.
Tarde’s Number Two
Do not change your shoes in the parking lot. (Perfectly OK at a public course, but the locker room at private clubs is preserved as the last bastion of golfing ablutions.)
I changed my shoes in the parking lot just yesterday at my country club… and I’ve got a locker inside. I think I may even still have the key for it somewhere…
Frankly, the locker room can be a scary and frightening place, particularly since Tarde left out the first sacred rule of Locker Room Etiquette, which could be stated simply as “Nobody Wants to See Your Ding Dong.” The less time I have to spend trying not to look at the penises of fat, wet, naked old dudes, the better.
Tarde’s Number One
The most important: Never throw a club in anger.
Bobby Jones once said that “some emotions cannot be endured with a golf club in your hands.” And while I gave up club-throwing as a teen, I do enjoy burying a clubhead in the earth two or three times a year. (The damage is easily repaired and you can do it without your playing partners even noticing, though neither are an excuse.)
My List
As I see it, Tarde’s list suffers from two problems. The first is that it seems to come from the perspective of a privileged old white dude stuck in the 1950s. The second is that his list has almost nothing to do with golf.
Tarde’s “Golf’s Sacred Rules” are more about day-to-day etiquette than they are about golf (at any type of course). It’s rude to talk on your cell phone when you’re riding in a car with someone. It’s rude to wear your hat at a nice restaurant… but at McDonald’s it’s okay. Would you wear blue jeans to a church? I suppose that depends on the church. And so on…
In the spirit of the title of Tarde’s article, I’ve come up with my own “Golf’s Five Sacred Rules,” and here they are.
Sacred Rule Number Five
Pay Your Bets and Buy Drinks with the Winnings
If you never bet while you’re golfing, by all means skip this one. Congratulations, you’ve only got four “sacred” rules to follow!
If, however, you’re like most golfers who engage in the occasional bet – on the putting green or on the golf course – pay up immediately after losing, and do so gracefully. If you’re competitive, a little “I’ll get you next time” type jab is perfectly appropriate.
If you win enough and the opportunity presents itself, buy drinks for the vanquished.
Sacred Rule Number Four
Understand the Rules of the Game
The Rules of Golf are the same for everyone, and everyone who plays the game of golf should understand them.
But the “Rules” (capital R) don’t need to be followed to the letter each and every time you set foot on a golf course. In addition to understanding the “Rules,” you’re responsible for knowing the “rules” (lowercase r). If your foursome allows for gimmes inside of a foot or two, go ahead and “gimme” and “givve.” If you’re betting, understand the rules of the bet so you’re not whining on the 16th tee that you’re up five bucks when you’re actually down ten.
If you’re playing with strangers, assume that the “rules” are the same as the “Rules” until told otherwise. And when conflict arises – you’d rather not give that three-footer your partner wants to give the other team – man up and make whatever decision you think is right in the situation.
One last thing: don’t brag about your 82 with six mulligans and eleven gimmes. You can brag that you took fifteen bucks off your buddies that day, but your score is only valid if you followed the Rules of Golf.
Sacred Rule Number Three
Respect Your Fellow Golfers
Here’s where the cell phone bit comes in. And the hat part. And the club-throwing part.
Respect is a lot more than not talking in someone’s backswing. It’s more than refraining from the telling of crude stories or smoking your Cuban in a cart with a non-smoker. It goes beyond offering unsolicited advice while you chop it around in 93.
Some foursomes trash talk each other all around and make “your wife” jokes all day. Some don’t. Virtually all care about things like “don’t step on my line.” Respect the maintenance workers, the pro shop attendants, and the guy two fairways over who just duffed a shot because you unknowingly shouted obscenities at the top of his swing.
Sacred Rule Number Two
Leave the course in Better Shape
Repair ball marks. Replace divots. Rake bunkers properly and leave them outside the bunkers in the direction of play (unless the club wishes otherwise). Clean up tees while you wait and put broken tees in the proper places.
These go without saying, and yet each of us can do more to improve the way we treat the gorgeous grassy areas on which we play the game of golf.
Sacred Rule Number One
Play Quickly
There’s simply no excuse for a five-hour round. Slow play is a selfish, obnoxious, loathsome trend that everyone can do something to change. If you need some tips, we spent a whole week on slow play in 2007.
To those who would undoubtedly reply to this by saying “I paid as much as you, so don’t tell me to rush – I’m out there to enjoy my leisure time and if that takes five hours, so be it” I will point out a simple fact: if everyone played faster, you could play 27 holes instead of just 18 (and perhaps less expensively too!).
Be a smart golfer. You’re not playing for a million dollars like the guys on TV. Hit the ball and keep your group moving.
Golf Digest‘s own poll shows 57% of respondents choosing “It’s fine if you’re using it respectfully.” in response to the question “Should cell phones and PDAs be allowed on the golf course?” The other choices are “Absolutely not,” “Only for texting,” and “It’s the 21st century – anything goes.”
I’m with you: ban the behavior, not the instrument. I don’t like cigar smoke in my face, but that doesn’t mean nobody should be allowed to smoke a cigar anywhere on the course.
Know your game. I would add this. I am stunned there are so many who don’t. I with a guy, 275 yards out, he has a rescue club in his hand and is waiting on the off, off, off – never going to happen ever, chance he’ll hit up. Then he proceeds to duff it, again, for the 20th time in that round alone.
Know your game.
Awesome. Why didn’t they print that in GD?
I should note that I originally felt compelled to write a more Thrash Talk-like op/ed piece that simply tore into Tarde’s list for the antiquated, stuffy, “holier than thou and screw all the regular golfers” tripe that it is, but Thursday is Thrash Talk day here at The Sand Trap and the column is Ben’s, so I ended up with a Trap Five instead.
I like your list a lot better than Jerry’s. The few times I played at my Uncle’s Country Club I spent more time trying to figure out all the non-course etiquette than playing golf.
On the course was fine but all the rest was tiresome. Still, I was their guest, so I played by their rules and like you said, that is the best policy. Make sure you aren’t the one rube out there turning left when everyone else is turning right and everyone is happy.
Follow the local rules which will make everything run nice and smooth.
I’m pretty sure I saw a shot on TV of Tiger changing his shoes in the parking lot at a tournament. Not sure which tournament it was but there was Tiger standing at the back of his Buick Ranier tying his shoes.
I guess that was a violation of Tarde’s rules.
++ for Erik’s list and 😕 for Tarde’s. I’m far more concerned about what people do ON the course than I am about what they do in the parking lot, or what they wear to play.
I agree wholeheartedly with regulating cell phone behavior, not the hardware. This is strictly a user issue.
And My #1 by a big margin is also pace of play. Focus on your game and save the chit-chat for when you are waiting on the tee box for the fairway to open up. You will inevitably have time for the second if you are properly paying attention to the first.
I completely agree with your list. I am a huge advocate for pace of play. I would also like to state that for the group that keeps hitting into me 4-5 times in a round that just because you are waiting on me doesn’t mean that it is wide open in front of me. I can understand getting a hold of one once and getting lucky, but 3, 4, or 5 times and you are just as bad as the group that is holding everyone up.
So true and so funny (the critique of Tarde’s list – I wonder if there’s an easy nickname for his surname – nothing comes to mind!?!?).
Speaking of number two, having played several team sports (most notably hockey), the response to Tarde’s rule number two is so true that I just embarassed myself by bursting out laughing at work.
“Hey Sean, is that a funny spreadsheet you’re working on?”
“Excuse me, but the next time you ask me that, put on some pants – or at least underwear – and do you really need to come and talk to me where I’m sitting and put your leg up on my chair?”
Well, to be the contrarian, I think this is much ado about little.
These aren’t Tarde’s recommended rules, they are rules that he is reporting as applying at most private clubs (and in my experience, he’s right, although I think a pace of play rule is probably just as common at most clubs). He even says he’s not necessarily down with some of them, like the communications stuff.
Maybe my club is different from most or our members just aren’t very creative in ther shoe-changing routines, but I’ve never had to worry about seeing anyone’s privates in the locker room when they were changing their shoes. Besides, if this really were an issue that arises due to shoe-changing, then I sure as hell don’t want them changing shoes in our parking lot.
I can understand how some folks think other rules are at least as, or more, important, like the pace of play rule and respect your fellow golfers, and of course I have no problem with that. But in some cases they’re just different ways of saying the same thing as some of rules Tarde recites – for example slamming your club into the ground isn’t being particularly respectful of others around you (either players, who desire to have a pleasant time or to play without distraction from a neighboring group, or to maintenance types who have to clean up after you), nor does it leave the course in better shape. And from what I see, it’s not unusual for talking on the phone to get out of hand and start bothering others.
Anyway, if he said he wearing a traditional tie and knickers was important, I would object. But if most of us can learn more than 5 swing tips, we can probably live with more than 5 rules and I don’t have a big problem with most of the rules he cites.
i had to chose in the last yr on whether to keep golf magazine…or golf digest…i chose golf magazine.
Golf magazine has some fun articles and has taken an almost ‘cosmo’ approach to the style. with short quick multiple articles that i find overall fun and interesting.
having been stuck in the can or with nothing in site more than a girls cosmo to read i realized they like a light fluffy magazine pumped full of short easy to read articles.
whereas…golf digest..has started taking half of the magazine and filling it with pretty pictures of resorts that i could afford to spend a night in…let alone a whole vacation…it has gone snobby.
not perfect..but i like golf magazine…and i agree with all your points.
Aside from your slightly arrogant opening, followed by a disregard for the target of Tarde’s “rules” – which is the private golf club – and they aren’t HIS “rules, but a compilation of traditions usually found at private clubs – I find your list of “sacred rules” absolutely fantastic. Your list could be printed on every scorecard at every golf course around the world…
…except for #5 at Bushwood, of course, because…”there is no gambling at Bushwood, sir…and I NEVER slice.”
Thanks for another thoughtful article.
I agree with your points (although #3 should be a given). It is so disappointing more members and golfers in general don’t repair pitch markes and divots, it’s so simple and must contribute to better golf karma as well.
Your point on the Rules was well made but until a more user-friendly and better organised version is generally available most golfers will remain ignorant of both the penalties and benefits of playing by them. I have tried many times to read both the official and after-market versions but I don’t seem to have enough RAM to make it stick. As for taking Rules to the course & finding the rule you need without holding up the field (rule #1) seem mutually exclusive, and it always seems to be raining when I need them anyhow!
Trav: If Tarde wanted to limit this to only private clubs, well, he went about it all wrong. Not only is he nowhere near correct about how the rules “apply to all private golf clubs in America,” but this is the web – characters are free – why didn’t he come up with a better title? Like “The Five Sacred Rules of Private Clubs” or something?
And if you’ve never seen a fat, naked, wet old dude’s junk as he parades around after his shower, well, count yourself in a very lucky and very small minority. 🙂
I concur with sacred rule number one on slow play and yet there is a double standard in golf. Pro Tour players take longer than 5 hours to play in twosomes or threesomes.
If there is just set of rules of golf, why doesn’t the PGA apply the time rules of golf to its players. Why does the LPGA assess strokes for slow play and not the PGA?
I think the message I get from the USGA and the PGA is that any amateur is free to ignore the rules around slow play and simply play slow. In my own group we have a good player is very slow and while this drives me crazy, I just deal with it. If Tiger and Paddy can take 5.5 hours why can’t we. The argument that they are playing for money holds no value to me, if they are playing golf, they should play golf, otherwise let them play tennis or cricket or something else.
Its a double standard.
High ‘n’ Fly I agree with you and I dont mind if they hit up on a par 5 and are not close. But I have on more than one occasion grabbed a club and knocked it right back at them. If they wan’t to have a go at me after that then I’ll show them some Etiquette
I agree with all those rules; especially NOT wearing jeans on a golf course! It looks so white trash…
Cell phones should also be banned. How did people play without cell phones 20 yrs ago?
I agree, GD (much like Rolling Stone magazine did 30 years ago) has lost touch with the current times. What percentage of golfers belong to a private golf club? It must be <2%. Being a country club member isn't as desirable as it once was. I have many affluent friends, and can only think of two or three that belong to a country club. My guess is that my generation prefers to play different courses instead of one nice one.
Due to my profession, I must carry a cell phone (I put it on vibrate and don't use it to socialize on the course)
I don't wear a hat unless it's really cold outside, but do take it off when sitting down to eat/drink (strict parenting). The hat hair can be, no doubt, ridiculous looking. But, I don't ask my friends to remove their hats, it doesn't bother me.
No blue jeans at a private club, ok, fine. How about white jeans or black jeans? The LPGA has numerous girls wearing white and black jeans at some of the nicest courses in America.
Don't change shoes in the parking lot. That's stupid. I often don't show up in time to go to the locker room.
First up Erik, I whole-heartedly endorse your preferred list; it’s very, very good.
However, I have to take issue with your trashing of Tarde’s list.
Mobile phones – ban them. How on Earth did anyone ever play golf, conduct business, be married etc etc without them in the past??? Amazing. At the end of the day, it’s easier to say “no phones” than deal with the infinite shades of grey re. individual users of phones. If you can’t be away for ~ 4hours, go do something else.
Hats – sorry, I’m with those that think the wearing of (often daft) hats everywhere and at all times, irritating. So what if it’s old fashioned to expect someone to take it off once in a while? Just do it.
Jeans – sorry, while I don’t care what someone else really wears, I don’t trust people to wear a decent pair of jeans. Many would, but many would abuse it just like they would the mobile phones. It’s easier to just say “no jeans”.
Changing in the parking lot – the one of his Rules I think is OTT. Couldn’t care less, providing it’s only shoes.
Club throwing – I agree totally with this; grow up. By all mean’s cuss to yourself etc etc. Club throwing is pretty pathetic. Go throw them somewhere else – into the lake/sea maybe?
At the end of the day, you know the Club’s rules/etiquette when you sign up. Don’t like it, don’t join. If you join, you agree to those Rules. Stand for a Committee if you don’t like it. Propose a “Blue Jeans” motion at the AGM and try to get it voted through if you have to. Can we just stop moaning about these sorts of Rules?
You’re right re. Golf Digest though; there’s never much of use in it.
FWIW, I am not some privileged, ’50s, white dude.
The Five Crucial Rule of Golf:
1. Keep pace with the group in front.
2. Play by the rules (no mulligans, etc.).
3. Repair ball marks, divots, rake traps.
4. Don’t distract other players.
5. Keep an honest handicap.
Everything else is irrelevant or insignificant.
our group is usually 3 or 4 foursomes…txting lets us trash talk back an forth btw the groups…its a riot!
I’m sure its a hoot for whoever is stuck in behind you.
I do agree with your rules. The respect for sure, i have had the miss fortune of being behind a group who were taking their sweet time on the greens, and making all sorts of lewd stories. Look I don’t care what you do in your free time, but I just don’t need to hear about the condition of the sheets after.
I tend to play fast as well, clearing 18 in 3-4 hours while even searching through the thick stuff for one of my Sumitomo Go-Straights, because I’m cheap like that, and get a pleased feeling using 1-2 balls for the whole round. Even still faster players come and if they play up on me then I just hang out in the cart let them pass. If I notice I’m holding someone up a bunch I’ll wait at the next tee in the shade and let them move on. It just makes it easier for everyone, even though I play fast I don’t feel rushed. Also they don’t get held up.
As for the shoes, I tend to change near the driving range since I tend to go car, club house, lunch, cart, range, course.
Cell phone has it’s place. For instance I have weather information, as well as a GPS range finder for my courses, so I can get a better idea of my distance and see if I’m improving.
I’d say you’ve made a better top 5 for sure. Thanks for the good read.
Random thought:
One of the things that made “Caddyshack” enjoyable (well .. IF it was enjoyable to you, that is!) was the comedic ‘tension’ between the ‘white-shoe’ club snobs and the rest of the world… (epitomized by Rodney Dangerfield’s character; or maybe Bill Murray’s…?).
Anyway, it’s interesting to a beginner how much time and energy and thought is spent on all the non-golf goings-on.
I tell ya: I can’t wait until I get that good that I don’t have to worry, nor even think about, my swing or my game; I can just go out on the course – or not: even just mill about in the clubhouse – and be the “rules” (lowercase ‘r’) police….
😉
Rule #1 Slow Play
Rules 2-5 See Rule # 1
Here’s your trash talk op/ed Erik:
Unless you are a PGA tour member or part of some otherwise elite tour of the professional level, the “rules” are as follows:
First – if you dont enjoy a friendly wager you have managed to completely misunderstand the purpose of the sport… pure competition.
Second – if there is someone who takes offense to an “off-color” joke or the joyous smell of a perfectly good cigar, they should immediatly find another sport to play and should lobby their “do-gooder” opinions at the crochet party of the country club wives. If the distant shout of an obsenity is repulsive to you, again I say… take it to the wives because its falling on deaf ears here!
Third – I have a rule about raking bunkers… I will show them as much respect as the grounds crew does.
Fourth – what is this “cell-phone” thingy you keep refering to??
Point of the message – dont feminize my sport with a “top 5” column that is reminiscent of my mothers rules for clothing/dressing ettiquette, smoking, and language. I’m from the school of “who gives a rats rearend” about being appropriate, and majored in the department of releasing testosterone the fun way.
Oh, I completely forgot to trash the “take your hat off” rule. I’m older than dirt and I could care less about a hat being worn anywhere on a golf course. I’m almost positive I would bend a club over any mans head that told me I need to remove my hat… unless it was a preacher and I was in church. Maybe this one needs to be addressed at the crochet party as well… as I am sure it will recieve more support in that forum.