Blonde Ambition: Big Break II Finale

Kip Henley III drew the ace and won the Big Break II in a 20-hole playoff against Don “Ninja Turtle” Donatello. Here’s the recap.

Kip, hitting first, split the first fairway with his 2I. Don struggled to get his nerves in check, but also split the fairway. Driving to his ball, Don says of Kip “Our friendship is over, and when we get finished our friendship will be back.” Each hit their approach to about 18 feet: Don left, Kip below. Kip leaves his putt short and Don pushes his putt low.

On the second hole, Kip misses wide right and Don “flails away”, hitting a toe-draw to the middle of the fairway. 250 from the hole, uphill, Don hits what he describes as an “absolutley perfect shot.” It “hit perfect” and then kicked into the bunker. HA! Kip pitches back into the fairway and then hits to 15 feet from 94 yards. Don complains about a rake mark and blasts the ball thin over the green. He takes a drop off the cartpath when he would have been better off playing it and finds himself in soft sand. He then “tried to hit a perfect shot” but fluffed it. Thinking “I can still make the shot” he chips to six feet. Don makes Kip putt, though he lies 5 and Kip lies three, and Kip putts it to a foot. Don then forces Kip to sink his one-foot putt. This is only the first of many “Don is a selfish jackass competitor” moments.

Kip goes to one up.

Both Kip and Don par the par-4 third, and Kip rolls in a testy par putt to halve the fourth. On the fifth, Kip drives wide right into a bunker and Don splits the fairway. Don bitches about Kip being away (he’s clearly not) and then plays to the green. Kip takes two to get out of the bunker and then can’t hole a pitch, so Don wins easily. All square.

The sixth is a 166-yard hole and Don has the honors. He hits a shot to about 14 feet, and Kip hits a 7I about 20 yards long. This prompts him to adjust his distance expectations for the rest of the match. Kip chips well from the bushes but Don holes the birdie putt and pumps his fist, going one up.

On seven, Don pitches to a few feet and Kip misses an eagle putt, but taps in to halve the hole. Don splits the fairway once again on eight (he’d do so all day, albeit 260 from the tee) and Kip rips one in the fairway. Don hits his approach and yells “go in!” The ball stops 8 feet from the pin. Kip, with the ball below his feet, hits to 16 feet. “This ball’s sailing like crazy” Kip says, and mentally adds 10% to the distance of each of his irons. Kip rolls his putt four feet past, but Don makes his birdie putt to get two up.

Don adds “If I can win one or two more holes it’s all over.” This was the largest lead “Ninja Turtle” would ever hold.

The ninth is a 220-yard par 3, and Don misses the green 35 yards right. Kip jokes about turning the lights off (they played a “Lights Out” challenge here earlier in the series) and hits a shot to 3 feet. Don chips to 15 feet or so and misses the par putt. Don then asks Kip to putt out. Kip, needing only to two-putt from three feet, sinks the birdie, gains confidence, and metaphorically flips the bird at jackass Donatello. “I shouldn’t have given him that putt. It was a bad match play decision.” Ya think? Donatello one up.

On ten, Kip and Don miss 7 and 10 foot birdie putts and halve the hole. Eleven is a 190-yard par 3, and Kip hits his 6I to 22 feet. Don backs off mid-swing, and then hits to 40 feet after a good bounce off of some mounds. He puts the long putt to a foot, and Kip’s birdie try goes three feet past. He makes the come-backer to halve the hole.

On twelve, Kip hooks the ball into a sidehill lie in the left rough. Don splits the fairway and gets some roll. Kip hits his shot to 7 feet, an 8I from 166. Don blocks his shot near ground under repair, and the saga of Jackass Ninja Turtle continues. Don asks for relief and Kip accuses him of taking a wider than normal stance, saying “awww, come on!” Don “demonstrates” his normal stance and Kip says “I’ll shut up, that’s great, sorry.” Don drops while Kip, frustrated, stands in shade to cool down. “That’s not his normal stance, say what you want to” Kip adds. Don takes an extremely long time, further annoying Kip. In the end, Kip is now putting through one foot of fringe instead of three, but he blows his putt well past hole. “Make my putt, forget about it” Kip says as he walks onto the green. He does just that, squaring the match.

On thirteen, Kip misses an eight foot birdie putt and the match remains square. The 14th is a 224-yard par three, and Kip hits to about 30 feet. Don fats his tee shot short of the front bunker, then pitches onto the green and bitches about the kick he got. Kip burns the edge, and Don’s six footer stays out. Kip says “he took too long on that putt. Gave me a little break there.”

The fifteenth, a par 5 on which Kip figures to have the advantage, finds Kip saying “It’s all over but the cryin’ part now.” Kip hangs snipes his ball left and into a few trees trees. Don, of course, splits the fairway. 235 from the hole, Don hits into a greenside bunker and then disgustedly throws his club to ground. CHILD! Kip pitches out, and wedges to 30 feet. “That’s sorry,” he says. Don gets up and down from bunker, nearly holing his blast. He pumps his fist and squares the match once again.

Sixteen is 141, and Don says “it looks like I could throw my ball onto the green from here.” Secretly, I hope he tries and is assessed a penalty. Instead, he yanks his wedge 45 feet left and Kip puts his ball to 10 feet. Don’s self-described “unbelievable putt” misses low, finishing 2-3 feet from the hole. It’s the first of many “unbelievable” and “perfect” putts that don’t go in. Kip leaves his downhill putt a foot short. Don holes his to halve and pumps his fist. Again.

On seventeen, Don splits the fairway and gives what he describes as a “Monica Seles grunt.” Sounded more like an unexpected bowel movement to me, but we’ll take his word for it. Kip hits his ball down the right side. From 187, Kip sails his ball over the green and under a tractor of some kind. Kip’s 8I is pin high and 15 feet right. Thinking he’s hit the ball to three feet, Don is dismayed to find the obstruction. Then, the “soap opera” that is Don Donatello kicks into high gear. The tractor is movable, but Kip jokes privately that “maybe it’ll be out of gas.” The tractor is moved, and Don storms around the green, throws his sunglasses to the ground, bitching endlessly about the tire tracks. Near tears, he cries out “It’s just not fair, it’s not fair daddy!” before running to his mother’s comforting bosom. Don drops his ball on a track and is awarded yet another drop, saying “Marvin [rules official] made a great ruling.” Don putts to three feet, Kip to a foot, and Don makes to halve the hole.

On eighteen, Don splits the fairway. Kip drives the ball 10 yards past him. Don’s approach from 161 ends up 20 feet right. Kip catches his soft 8I a tad fat and his ball slams into the lip of the bunker, fortunately trickling back into the flat part. Kip blasts to four feet – a pressure shot to say the least – and Don hits an “absolutely perfect putt” that, despite the description, misses low and winds up two feet away. Kip slides his par save in and then concedes Don’s putt, saying “If he would miss this, it’d kill him. That’s not fair Don, pick it up, let’s go.” Kip, lest the obvious be pointed out, is no Don.

On the first playoff hole, Don and Kip both hit utility clubs to the fairway. Kip hits a sand wedge to eight feet, Don to 20. Don hits a “perfect putt” that misses again. The ball stops hole-high but Don says he “hit it too hard, through the break.” Yeah, whatever Donny Boy. Kip’s putt is center cut… and one inch short. “If a fly lands on it, it goes in.” No fly is seen within 100 yards of the ball, so the hole is halved.

ON the second playoff hole, the par 5, Don splits the fairway. Kip, needing a clutch shot, bombs it 40 yards past Don and in the fairway. Don has 250 to the flag and gets a good bounce onto the green, but 60 feet from the pin. He screams out “How ’bout that baby? WOO!” Kip blocks The Annoying One from his mind and hits a soft 5I from 170. “It came off exactly like I had in my mind’s eye,” he says, and the ball winds up 12 feet for eagle. Don leaves his long putt eight feet short, and Kip burns the edge with his eagle try and is conceded a birdie. Don takes forever to look over putt. He rolls it towards the center of the cup… and the ball stops two inches short.

Said Don, “It hurt really bad.” Said Kip “I’m 50/50 happy/sad.” Kip went to shake Don’s hand, but Don pushed Kip away slightly and walked off the green. Jerk.

The right – and best – man won. Kip now has the use of a Ford 500 sedan, $10,000, and an exemption to four Nationwide tour events. Those spots?

• Rheem Classic, May 12-15, Fort Smith, Arkansas.
• Henrico County Open, May 19-22, Richmond, Virginia.
• LaSalle Bank Open, June 9-12, Glenview, Illinois.
• Lake Erie Charity Classic, June 30-July 3, Findley Lake, New York.

The show is not without a final twist, however: throughout the series, The Golf Channel has been running a web poll that asked the question, “Who do you think most deserves a big break?” With 40% of the vote, Bart Lower wins. His prize? A spot on The Big Break IV.

“The Big Break III, Ladies Edition” starts in February.