British Open Running Diary

One of my favorite days of the year is the Sunday of the British Open. The TV comes on early and I settle in to watch the whole thing. I wish I could have invited you all over to my heavily fortified compound to watch with me, but there are space constraints and noise ordinance issues. Instead, as a public service, I kept a running diary of the final round’s events for you, as seen from my couch. Let’s get started.

8:00 a.m.: I am fully ready for the final round to begin. Caffeine and sugar are in abundance, and ABC’s coverage is on the air. An opening shot of the Swilken Bridge and an understated opening from Mike Tirico welcome us to St. Andrews, leading into a taped package showcasing the Old Course as the equivalent of Yankee Stadium. It also touches on Jack Nicklaus exiting the scene, and some exciting young fellow named Tiger playing well. Hmm. I think we might hear more about both today.

8:03: Cue the shots of golfers arriving (John Daly, José Maria Olazabal, Tiger Woods) and hitting the range (Colin Montgomerie). I’m surprised Daly wasn’t carrying a big bag of muffins and a pound bag of peanut M&Ms. His caddie must have them.

8:05: A montage of the big names that aren’t going to be a factor. Ernie Els butchering a hole, and he’s already in the clubhouse with a 70. Phil Mickelson launching a greenside bunker shot about 50 feet too far. Aren’t you glad you don’t play golf in front of TV cameras?

8:09: It’s your announcing team, with Ian Baker-Finch and Paul Azinger joining Tirico and the Claret Jug at the ABC table with the 1st/18th holes in the background. I half-expect Zinger to turn around and say, “So Ian, how did you manage to miss this fairway?”

8:13: Our first “Phil’s on the phone” commercial of the day. Playing with Phil and Brett Favre would be cool. But Toby Keith? What, Kenny Rogers was busy?

8:14: Commercial for ESPY Awards. Do they think that Matthew Perry dropping trou is going to make me want to tune in? That’s not the sort of wardrobe malfunction I’d be on the lookout for.

8:17: ABC trots out the Nicklaus-crossing-the-bridge footage for the second time, leading into a nice package of Jack’s best moments from the Old Course. And, inexplicably, Phil Collins and The Cure songs underneath the video. You know, traditional Scottish music. Somewhere, a bagpipe cries.

8:21: Hey look, golf! Kenny Perry rolls in a birdie. I know Tiger’s not going off for another 40 minutes, but how about showing us a little of the rest of the field before he goes off? Instead, we wait 21 minutes for one putt from Kenny Perry before we go to the range to watch Tiger…

8:22: Controversy No. 1: Vijay took Tiger’s spot at the driving range this morning! Did you know the world of golf could be so cutthroat? I hope Sergio Garcia didn’t take Monty’s stall in the lockerroom bathroom!

8:26: Finally, we get to see the featured pairings. Wow, that looked like it said Brad Faxon was in the third-to-last group. He must have come out of the ABC time machine with Phil Collins and The Cure.

8:29: Old Tom Watson taps in for birdie after driving the 18th green. I think the fairways are stimping about 16 today.

8:30: I love the guy who pompously announces the players on the first tee for the R&A. Though I think for the U.S. players, they should have the actor who played J. Peterman on Seinfeld handle the duties.

8:32: Monty arrives. Newsflash: He has a pained look on his face! He must have already heard about Sergio stealing his stall.

8:35: Vijay and Michael Campbell stroll up the first fairway laughing and chatting. I bet Vijay’s saying, “Yeah, I took Tiger’s spot on the driving range! You should have seen his face! And right now, I have someone TP-ing his house in Isleworth! Hah!”

8:42: My wife chimes in with her first fashion assessment of the day: “I like Sergio’s green shirt, but why is it zipped all the way up? Is it like Tiger buttoning his shirt all the way? Doesn’t look comfortable at all. And it’s the right time of the year for white pants, but I wouldn’t wear them on the golf course. There’s a lot of crap out there, and you’re going to get them dirty. But all in all, he looks fine.”

8:48: Fax dumps his approach in the Swilcan Burn. Azinger begrudgingly admits it was an awful shot. Faxon’s caddie is wishing that he had one of those telescoping ball-retriever things. But style points to Fax for hopping over the Burn after chipping his fourth shot over it.

8:51: My wife weighs in on Retief Goosen. “Oh, now he just looks way too casual. I don’t get the short-sleeved mockneck. It just looks like a T-shirt. And white with khaki pants? Sergio looked a lot better than this guy.” Poor guy gets hit by lightning as a kid, chokes away the U.S. Open at Pinehurst last month, and now my wife bags on his fashion sense. If he wasn’t rich and really good at golf, I’d feel bad for him.

8:56: Goosen hits the first green with an 8-iron from 116 yards. Is he using that “RIP Distance” ball?

9:00: The final game of the Open Championship is off. José Maria Olazabal channels all of the waggles and nervous tics of Sergio, circa 2002. Tiger’s gonna love going 18 with this guy today. Tiger hits a disinterested iron shot left of center, looks like he might have chunked it a little bit. Uh-oh. He might only win by three strokes.

9:03: John Daly appears, as does another opinion from my wife. “He’s a mess. The orange shirt is OK, just not on him. But the big problem is his hair. he needs to lose the bowl cut.”

9:05: Baker-Finch finally mentions how he hit it OB left off the first tee in 1995. Now Zinger and Tirico don’t need to worry about accidentally mentioning it first. We all feel relieved.

9:07: Love the guys with the big Jack Nicklaus masks and Claret Jug replicas. Although I’m afraid the image of three big-headed Jacks bouncing around is going to seep into my subconscious and turn up in a really horrible nightmare someday.

9:13: It is noted that Tiger is walking very slow, and Tirico mentions that Tiger is so good at controlling himself. Was that part of Earl’s Green Beret training for his son? So few players can pull off the walking-slow-at-a-major thing.

9:16: I absolutely love these Nike commercials with Tiger as a kid superimposed into British Open footage. Watch out for this Nike group. They seem to be good with the advertising. I bet they could get really big in sneakers someday.

9:23: Successive shots of Freddie, Bernhard Langer, and Tom Lehman all putting with broomstick putters. Ugh. I know some people think the long putter should be deemed non-conforming. I don’t mind them from a competitive standpoint. But they are so darned dorky-looking. They should pixelate the face of anyone using one to protect the innocent.

9:28: Tiger and Phil meet up on the double green that serves Nos. 2 and 16. Phil is on his way in, falling further behind. Zinger notes that he’s walking pretty slow, too. Apparently, that’s not a very good indicator of performance.

9:35: After a sweet chip on the previous hole, JMO sticks a wedge on No. 3. Here’s an idea for Ollie’s caddie: No mattter what club you hand him, call it a wedge. Driver? Here’s your wedge, José. I bet he’d win the Grand Slam.

9:39: Zinger notes that JMO still lives at home. Anyone else smell a sitcom idea? Maybe Rita Moreno as the sassy grandma, Tony Danza as his goofy neighbor? I’m going to work on a pitch.

9:45: Long John Daly misses a short putt. What do you think he has in his front right pocket? It’s something rectangular poking out of his pants. His iPod, loaded with Toby Keith songs? A PSP? A great big Hershey bar? A tiny hibachi? Richard Simmons’ Deal-A-Meal cards? I must know.

9:50: The INXS song “Suicide Blonde” takes us to a commercial break. I’m pretty sure the major networks are unaware that there have been new songs recorded in the last 10 years. The fact that the group’s lead singer killed himself also causes ABC to lose a few style points for music selection. Really, it’s the British Open. Just cue up some generic bagpipe music and leave the K-Tel “Best of the 80s” compilation alone for a while.

9:53: As Tiger taps in for par on No. 4, Baker-Finch notes “He’s not wasting any energy today.” Apparently, Stevie Williams is carrying him between shots. And, of course, he’s walking really slow.

9:59: Zinger gets turned around on the wind, launching a one-man Abbot and Costello-esque bit that was completely incomprehensible. Right-to-left, left-to-right, right-to-left. Somewhere, Curtis Strange smiles.

10:02: I should mention, as we cross the two-hour mark, that this diary has been fueled by the good folks at Tim Horton’s. Nothing like a box of Timbits and a frozen coffee to kick-start the day. Sugar coma to come.

10:05: Can we get Signboy to retire along with Nicklaus? It’s time.

10:07: A nice shot of the St. Andrews Cathedral ruins prompts Tirico to tell us that you can sneak over the walls at night and visit the graves of Old and Young Tom Morris. Funny, but the graveyard was open to the public during the daytime when I was there. I guess Mike’s just a thrill-seeker. Whatever floats your boat, man.

10:09: My wife reappears to critique Monty’s outfit. “That’s horrible. The dark colors make him look like the villain.” We disagree over whether he’s wearing black or dark blue. Might be both.

10:11: Baker-Finch notes that the grounds crew at St. Andrews takes 90 minutes to mow the double green at Nos. 5/13. Just like my yard. But can they kill a six-pack while they do it?

10:13: Sadly, my wife is not here to comment on Ian Poulter’s pink visor/shirt and plaid pants outfit. I just want to know if he asked Paula Creamer if he could borrow the ensemble, or if he busted into the R&A museum and took the duds from the Doug Sanders wing.

10:16: Reaction as JMO hits a weak, short drive into a monster bunker:
Baker-Finch: “Oh.”
Zinger: “Ugh.”
Their best work of the day. Hats off.

10:19: My wife resurfaces for a Poulter one-liner: “I’m pretty sure my Dad used to have the same outfit. When I was 3.”

10:21: Tiger’s approach to No. 6 takes one bounce and ricochets off the flag and off the green. The first possible drama of the day, other than that whole driving range dustup. Then Monty chunks a wedge. Things are getting dicey.

10:26: Tiger and Monty get up and down and move on. These guys are good.

10:30: Tirico hands it over to Peter Alliss. Yes! The best part of the British Open is ole’ Pete taking over for a while. He mentions that Tiger hasn’t been “pressurized” yet today. I’m not sure what he means, and I don’t care.

10:31: Greg Norman’s shot trickles off the 18th green and into the Valley of Sin. Alliss opines, “And that’s why they call it the Valley of Sin.” I don’t get it. Did Norman kill his caddie prior to the shot? Take Old Tom Morris’ name in vain? Alliss must still be warming up.

10:35: Alliss comes alive! Zinger wonders how Tiger feels about having his ball bounce off the flagstick on the sixth, then have his drive finish in a divot in the seventh fairway. Alliss dryly replies, “He’s never had much luck, has he?” Well-holed.

10:42: Tiger’s third consecutive iron shot laser-beams within feet of the hole on the par-3 eighth. Yeah, I’d say he’s dialed in. I expect him to pull a Larry Bird and ask JMO, “Which one of you guys is going to finish second?”

10:48: More drama! Tiger’s missed two consecutive short putts! Good thing for him, as Alliss notes, that he’s missing them for birdie and not for par. Oh, and that Vijay and JMO are having their own yip-fests.

10:50: Everyone always talks about who you would pick to make a pressure putt if your life depended on it. The usual suspects are Tiger and Nicklaus. But how about who you wouldn’t want to hit a putt to save your life? I’ll take Monty.

10:52: Alliss rules. When talking about whether Tiger’s taking too much club on No. 9 by hitting driver, Peter says he could reach a bunker “if he really clatters it.” Tiger steps up and clatters his ball onto the green of the par-4. I’d say he hit the clat out of that one.

11:09: We’ve hit a mid-round lull. The players all seem a bit fatigued, and I’m with them. The announcers are talking over each other. I think Baker-Finch just called Monty “Michael Montgomerie.” I’m trying to type slowly to maintain control.

11:15: Tiger bogeys No. 10, then leaves the green and walks to the next tee before JMO drops his par putt. Alliss calls this “a bit of bad form” before signing off and returning to the BBC tower. Good day, old friend. Thanks for the chatter, and the clatter.

11:18: Alliss’ departure coincides with Faldo’s arrival in the booth. Always neat when one of the commentators plays the course that day and can bring some hands-on expertise to the broadcast. And, of course, Faldo finished 3-3-2 today. All in a day’s work.

11:25: Zinger points out that Tiger had 18 puts on the front 9 and shot 2-under. Yep, statistics mean nothing.

11:27: Is the music ABC is using during the hole fly-overs a Musak version of “Clocks” by Coldplay? Or did they decide to cheap out on paying the license fees and just have someone record a knockoff? Either way, kudos to some producer for sneaking in a piece of music younger than Sergio Garcia.

11:29: JMO hooks a drive into a large patch of mutant broccoli plants. Creepy. Somewhere, George Bush wakes up from his mid-afternoon nap.

11:30: Do you think Stevie Williams is getting a bonus every time he says, “Put the phone down!” or “Turn off the phone!” I’d pay him something to not hear it again today.

11:32: These IBM commercials with Sir Arthur… WTF? I don’t know what’s more amazing: That some ad agency had the stones to pitch that idea, or that some exec at IBM green-lighted it. Is the target market business professionals who, due to a tear in the space-time continuum, work in a hybrid of the 21st century and the dark ages?

11:34: JMO hits his shot from between the broccoli stalks as Faldo notes that the wind is “fractionally” against him. No one told me there would be math.

11:35: How about the five guys in the gallery with the shirts on that spell out T-I-G-E-R? Think they’ll rumble with the Big-Head Nicklauses after the round?

11:39: Monty and JMO fall back to 10-under, and Tiger’s got a 4-stroke lead with six to play. I think he’s going into the Four Corners offense to try and run out the clock. And just think how slow Tiger would be walking if he’d made a few more short putts.

11:42: All bunkers on all courses should have names, just like at the Old Course. Instead of saying, “I got up and down from the short right bunker at No. 3,” I want to be able to say, “I got up and down out of the Devil’s Prostate at No. 3.”

11:44: We’re going to commercial with the sounds of Genesis doing “Abacab,” a song that came out in 1981. I wish I was making this up. I hope this is some kind of inside joke amongst the ABC producers. “Next time, let’s cue up some ELO! Hee-hee!”

11:51: JMO has a 60-yard putt with 15 feet of break over two humps. Zinger says he’d chip it. Ollie clatters it to about 20 feet long and left, and his facial expression resembles someone passing a kidney stone. Tiger taps in for par. The engraver probably is already done with the Claret Jug.

11:58: The voice of Jim McKay announces that we’re watching ABC’s Wide World of Sports as we return from commercial. Man, I wish either he or Jack Whitaker had an essay in the broadcast.

11:59: The Coldplay-lite drones as we see the fly-over of No. 14, which has the Beardies and Hell Bunker. Can we get someone on the job of naming all the other bunkers in the world already? Can we make it a Wikipedia-type project? If we all work together, we could be done in a couple weeks.

12:02 p.m.: Despite having hardly moved for four hours, I’ve lost the remote control. All these car-company employee discount commercials are really annoying without the mute button, not to mention Steve Williams.

12:04: Found it. Whew.

12:05: Holy Brad Faxon, I could swear that’s Sandy Lyle putting out on 18. Speaking of Fax, we haven’t seen him since his splashdown on No. 1. Think he said, “Just put me down for 74,” and headed for the airport?

12:07: My kids are playing boisterously downstairs. I think Steve Williams just yelled at them. They quieted down long enough to let Tiger hit another morale-busting pitch stiff on No. 14.

12:16: We go to commercial with Tiger up 5 with four to play, and with a little Stone Temple Pilots. Very current, guys.

12:21: For the umpteenth time following his pre-round pronouncement that he wouldn’t be leaving any putts short today, Monty leaves a birdie putt short. Zinger takes obvious delight in pointing this out. Those old Ryder Cup wounds still haven’t healed.

12:23: We get a quick highlight package of Faldo’s strong finish, narrated by the man himself. Not since Shelly Long’s tenure on “Cheers” has someone chewed the scenery so much. Does Faldo have blond highlights now? Is he dating another teenager? I can’t keep up.

12:25: Let the debate begin: Did Tiger win by playing outstanding golf, or did he just play solid while everyone else wilted under the pressure? I think it’s more of the latter. He’s playing a good round today, but no one who had a realistic chance at the outset (Vijay, Retief, Monty) is under par today. Someone probably needed to shoot a 66 to beat Tiger, yet the only players to come close started too far back to become factors. Meanwhile, Tiger’s cruising through the Old Course lineup like he’s Greg Maddux in his prime, getting ground-ball outs and looking completely placid. I guess Vijay’s pre-round range poaching didn’t put a burr under his saddle.

12:34: The Singh/Campbell pairing putts out, and both finish at even par for the final round. Think Steve Williams will wear a “Vijay Who?” hat out to the pub tonight?

12:38: Cambo is interviewed. He says the golf course played hard, and that’s why no one made a run at Tiger. Duly noted.

12:41: Tiger blasts a textbook 2-iron over the old railway sheds on No. 17 and Baker-Finch tries to jinx him by saying, “Nothing can go wrong from there.” ABC follows up on the STP vibe from earlier by heading to break with a little “Alive” by Pearl Jam. We might be up to the music of 1995 by the end of this broadcast!

12:43: Commercial for the Battle at the Bridges. Boy, can’t wait to hear Retief Goosen miked up! I think it’d be more fun if they dropped Retief and added Ray Lewis into the mix. “C’mon Phil! Will you protect this tee box? Hit it, baby!”

12:44: Tiger stops his swing from the 17th fairway in response to a cheer from the gallery ahead at 18. Surprisingly, Stevie Williams does not run toward the grandstands to admonish the crowd. But Tiger leaves his approach short and will have to pitch over the Road Hole bunker. Sadly, this is the most dramatic turn in the last two hours.

12:47: Goosen putts out for his 74. That’s an 81 and a 74 in his last two major championship final rounds. Ouch. Meanwhile, Monty is in with par and his best Open finish ever, which is hard to believe. That really shows how badly he did in majors when he was on top in the 1990s.

12:50: Both JMO and Tiger are playing for bogey from short left of the 17th green. Ollie putts up, as does Tiger. I’d like to see both guys drop another ball and try to flop one over the bunker off that tight lie.

12:51: The first shot of the 207-year-old engraver working on etching Tiger’s name comes before Tiger taps in for a bogey on 17. Hey, I made 5 the last time I played that hole, too! I’m going to start referring to my golf game as “Tigeresque.”

12:54: Tiger bunts an iron up the last fairway. Would anybody else like to have seen him take a big cut with a running start, à la Happy Gilmore?

12:56: Tiger and JMO cross the Swilken Bridge together. Their conversation coming up 18:
Tiger: So, you still live at home?
JMO: Yes.
Tiger: That’s cool, I guess.
JMO: (Ashamed) Yes.

12:57: ABC wisely goes silent as the Tiger heads up the fairway and the crowd goes wild. Tiger doffs his hat to the crowd, and thankfully he hasn’t gone Jim Furyk on us yet. But what’s the over-under on him going with the Jordan bald look? Five years? That Manu Ginobli bald spot on top is getting bigger.

12:59: Tiger’s pitch rolls back into the Valley of Sin! He might only win by 4! Steve Williams nervously bellows out one last “No cameras please!”

1:01: Azinger just said “Poppycock.” No, really.

1:05: Tiger coaxs in his little slider for par and finishes the inevitable 5-stroke win, and he is again the Champion Golfer of the Year. Tirico calls it a “perfect 10” majors for Tiger, but doesn’t repeat the call when Tiger gives his lovely wife a big hug. What do you think Steve Williams would do if he thought someone was macking on Elin?

1:07: After all the hugging and handshaking, ABC goes to commercial. What is Chrysler thinking with these Lee Iaccoca ads? And Jason Alexander, too? Makes me want a bucket of KFC, not a PT Cruiser.

1:10: The incredibly lifelike humanoid version of Tiger that they trot out for interviews and Buick commercials tells Terry Gannon that he hit the ball better today than any other time this year, and it started on the range. Take that, Vijay. Then he smiles and manages to fill two more minutes saying absolutely nothing interesting or upsetting. Take that, golf media.

1:14: While ABC runs a wrap package of the week, let me give you my quick wrap on Tiger’s win. Frankly, it’s good for business. When Jim Furyk, Rich Beem, or Ben Curtis win a major, the casual golf fan yawns and flips the page of the sports section to something else. But when Tiger wins, it resonates as a cultural phenomenon that makes the front page. That puts golf on everyone’s mind, and makes the casual player think about getting out and playing or going to the range. And maybe that leads to them buying a box of balls, or a shirt, or even a new driver. And playing a few more rounds. And that helps the bottom line of golf courses and equipment/clothing manufacturers. It’s a good thing.

1:18: Tiger’s finally ready for the Claret Jug presentation. What’s cooler than being called “the champion golfer of the year”? Nothing. 19-year-old Scotsman Lloyd Saltman was the low amateur. Congrats. And what could be more fitting than Monty getting the silver plate for being runner-up? It’s like someone who’s never won an Oscar getting a Lifetime Achievement award.

1:22: Tiger walks past the long line of R&A officials to claim the jug. I wish he would have high-fived them all and done a little choreographed dance thing with Monty, just like pre-game introductions at an NBA game.

1:23: The Tiger humanoid repeats most of his Terry Gannon comments verbatim. But he does add in a shout-out to his dad, Earl, who’s home sick, to show his warm side. Then he adds in some boilerplate about the home of golf, Jack Nicklaus, yadda yadda, and he’s off on a brief victory lap of the grandstands. I’m thinking his private jet is wheels-up from a nearby airport within two hours.

1:27: Monty gives a few comments. I think he’ll be a terrific analyst when he hangs up the spikes. He’s very smart and can be funny. Plus, whenever he rips a player the player will rip back with “Oh, and how many majors did you win?” Monty won’t have that shield that Johnny Miller has, and that will make things even more fun to watch.

1:29: OK, the umpteenth “Phil’s on the phone” commercial makes me lunge for the remote. I’m out of here before I accidentally start watching the Great Outdoor Games. Like Tiger said, let’s do it again next year.

Photo Credit: © Getty Images.