Jokes...

[mutadayen]

This is a golf forum and we're getting and receiving alot of great advice, but I got to thinking that we spend 4 plus hours on a course and need some humor when things aren't going well, so i'm asking everyone to put in their favorite jokes in this thread. It doesnt have to be golf related at all. Let the good times roll...

[ShotCaLLa]

Here are some that I got in an email today.
Some are old but still good.

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, 'You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.
You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?'

Michelson replied, 'The holes are numbered.'

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A young man and a priest are playing together.
At a short par-3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole my son? ' The young man says, 'An 8-iron, father. How about you?'
The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray. '

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, 'I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.'

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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, 'Ma'am, is that your husband?'

'Yes' says the woman.

'Did you hit him with that golf club?' Yes, yes, I did.'

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.

'How many times did you hit him?'

'I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five.'

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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, 'Are you a good golfer', to which the man replied: 'Got here in two, didn't I?'

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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: 'What are your golf clubs doing here'?

He looked her right in the eye and said, 'This isn't going to take all day, is it?

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[michaeljames92]

i'll start off with some small ones:
-what club do you hold up in a thunder storm?
a 1 iron. because not even god can hit a 1 iron.

-what do you call 100 white people following 1 black guy?
the pga tour

a longer one and warning some people may be offended:

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!

[bogeyhitter25]

No intention to offend anybody, so please don't be offended.
Things are slow in Heaven one day, so Moses suggests to Jesus that they go down to Earth and play a round of golf; Jesus agrees.

On the first hole, there's a long fairway with a water hazard before the green. Standing at the championship tee, Moses points to the novice tees and says "Jesus, I think we should tee off from up there. I don't think we can make it over the water from here."

Jesus replies, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."

Jesus puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses walks out, parts the water, retrieves Jesus' ball, and brings it back.

"Jesus," Moses says, "I really think we should tee off from up there. I don't think we can make it over the water from here."

Jesus insists, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."

Jesus agaiin puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses walks out, parts the water, retrieves the ball, and brings it back.

"Jesus," Moses says, "I really don't think we can make it over the water from here. If you shoot from back here again and your ball goes in the water, I'm not going to get it."

Jesus again explains to Moses, "I've seen Arnold Palmer make his shot from here many times, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, so can I."

Jesus again puts his ball down and drives it toward the green. It sails up over the fairway, out over the water, then SPLASH, it falls in the water. Moses looks at Jesus and stands at the tee, with no intention of retrieving Jesus' ball. Jesus figures he'll have to retrieve his own ball, so he walks down the fairway to the water hazard, and proceeds to walk on the water out to the point where his ball fell in.

Moses is still back at the tee when a foursome comes through and sees Jesus walking on water. "Holy mackerel!", one of them says, "Does that guy think he's Jesus?"

"No", Moses answers, "he thinks he's Arnold Palmer."