Corny Joke Thread

[Voiceontapex]

I know they are bad but sometimes you have to laugh!

Post some of your favorite CORNY jokes here!

One day, an old lady decided that she didn't want to live anymore. So she went to the doctor and asked, ''What's the best way to kill yourself?'' The doctor told her, ''Well, shooting yourself in the heart is a fast method.'' She asked him, ''Where's the heart located?'' The doctor said, ''It's three fingers below the nipple.''
Later on, the police and paramedics arrive at her house. When the paramedic asks what happened, one officer says, ''We found her on the floor with a gunshot wound to the knee.''


you hear about the goldfish that went bankrupt?

hes now a bronze fish!

[The Rambler]

Basically any Chuck Norris joke

[Voiceontapex]

haha pretty much I remember sitting with my gf going page after page of those lol

[ks8829]

1) What did the Indian boy say when he lost his dog?
2) Why did the solider salute the refrigerator?
3) Why was the number 6 afraid of 7?
4) Can you see farther in the daytime or nighttime?























1) Dog gone
2) Because it was made by General Electic
3) Because 7 ate 9
4) night time because you can see as far as the stars.

[M2daRizzle]

where did the general keep his armies?




...In his sleevies.

[denver_nuggs_15]

Why are pirates so mean?

They just ARRRR!

[lazebone]

A man and his wife were on the course when they arrived at the 14th tee. The man smacked the ball with a horrible hook and watched the white dot disappear into an old barn kept on the course mainly for looks.

The man, a golf purist, and his wife traveled to the barn and took a look at the situation. The ball had nestled right in the middle of the old barn. The wife told her husband he'd be better off taking a drop, but the man, being a bit stubborn, studied the shot. From the behind the ball, he told his wife to hand him a 4 iron. "I can hit this shot," he said. "All I have to do is keep it low enough to get it out the door, and then it should roll down that hill there, see?"

"I think you should take a drop," said the wife.

The man grabbed his own 4 iron from the bag and set up to the ball. After getting steady, he took a mighty swing. In an instant, the ball barely caught the top of the door frame and came back at the couple, catching his wife squarely between the eyes. Sadly, she passed.

3 years later, almost to the day the man and his new bride came to the 14th tee. A tear feel from the man's eye as he remembered the fateful day. Although he kept this a secret from his new wife.

The tee shot was a carbon copy of the one 3 years ago, and found the barn once again. When the couple arrived at the old building, he saw that it had settled in almost exactly the same spot.

"Looks like I'll have to take a drop," said the man.

"No, baby," said the wife. "I think you can hit this one."

"No, no, no."

"Sure you can. Look how big that door frame is there."

"Now I don't think I should honey."

"Come on now, go ahead. It's the best shot."

"Dammit woman," said the man. " Last time I did that I made a bogey."

.........................................................

Aren't you glad you read all the way through that one? Lol ... ok ok ... maybe not. The next one is better.

------------------------------------------

A man and two friends were sitting at a table in the snack room of their local course.

One guy kept talking about how superior his new golf ball was.

"Yeah, well what makes it so special?" said his buddy.

"You can't lose it," came the reply.

"Whattya mean you can't lose it?"

"Just that. You can't lose it."

"Well what if you knock it in the water?"

"It floats! You can't lose it."

"Well what if it's kinda dark outside and you can't see it?"

"It glows in the dark! You can't lose it!"

"Okay smart guy, well what happens when you slice it out of bounds deep in the woods with no chance of seeing it under the leaves?"

"It has a beeper that will sound until I get to it. You can't lose this thing!"

"Well damn," said the other friend. "I'm gonna have to get me one of those. Where'd you get it?"

"I found it."

................................................................

Ok, maybe this one wasn't any better, lol.

[Snake]

A guy walks in a sports bar with his dog. The bartender says "you can't bring your dog in here."
The guy says "but wait, he will do a back flip if the Cowboys kick a field goal."
So the bartender waits, the Cowboys kick a field goal and the dog does a back flip. The bartender says "OK, he can stay."
The guy says, "that's not all - he will do 2 back flips if the Cowboys score a touchdown."
So the bartender watches, the Cowboys score a TD and the dog does 2 back flips. The bartender says "wow, that's really cool - what does he do when the Cowboys win a big game?"
The guy says "I don't know - I've only had him for 12 years."

[TyCobb]

What's black and white, black and white, black and white, and black and white?

A nun rolling down a hill.

[uttexas]

How many Cowboys does it take to win the Superbowl?







We may never know.

[clubhousehero]

#1) Q- What do you get when you cross christmas and a cat on the beach?



A- Sandy Clause.



#2) Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender says
"why the long face?"

[becksfan2185]

A foursome of guys gather on the first tee early in the morning one weekend. As they stand around, they are all lamenting about the grief they each got from their wives for using the precious weekend to golf.

The first guys complains, "you wouldn't believe what I had to say to get out of the house... I had to promise I would do 10 loads of laundry when I get home."

"That's nothing," said the second. "My wife made me swear I would wash her car and clean the entire garage!"

"Man, your wives let you off easy!" cried the third. "I had to promise to finally re-model the bathroom!"

They all notice that the fourth guy has stayed quiet the entire time. "What about you?" they ask him. "Didn't your wife give you a hard time?"

"Nah," the fourth replied. "When I woke up at 5:30 this morning, I just asked her - golf course or intercourse? She told me to make sure and take a sweater."

[bogeyhitter25]

Jesus and Noah are playing a round of golf and Jesus says "If Arnold Palmer can hit this shot, I surely can" and he hits it into the water. Than he walks on the water and gets his ball. He does this 3 more times and has Noah part the water so he can get it.

As he was in the middle of the bottom of the lake, a man watches him in shock.

He turns to Noah and says "Wow! That man must think he's Jesus!"

And Noah says to him "No, he is Jesus. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

[TheLauncher]

Two fish are in a tank.


One says to the other, "Hey, do you have any idea how to drive this thing?"





A Pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. As he orders his first drink the bartender notices the wheel and when he orders his second he asks the Pirate, "do you know that you have a ships steering wheel sticking out your pants?"

The pirate says,

"Arrrrrr, and she's drivin' me nuts."

/groan

[Voiceontapex]

did you hear about the new restaurant they put on the moon?

yea! The food is nice, but it has no atmosphere

[denver_nuggs_15]

Vijay Singh and Ernie Els walk into a bar.

Lee Trevino walks under it.

[TheLauncher]

Here's one, golf related, that I've heard before but cut and pasted from another site.

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.

[LongDrive04]

Why don't blind people skydive??

Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.