Swing Doctor

[Sherpat]

My doctor, defying all stereotypes, plays golf.

My doctor is a 62 year old lady with Coke-bottle-thick glasses, who's all of 4 feet 11 inches in heels.

She plays 15 year old Square-2 irons with rotting grips, a 1-3-7 set of original Callaway Big Bertha lady woods, and a '60s era #10 no-name blade putter. She uses range balls the range fished from the water and weren't good enough to put back into play because they only charged her 5 dollars for a hundred. She bought them back in 1993, and has 42 left.

If she really catches her driver on the screws, it'll go 150. But I've only seen that miracle maybe 4 times this season. Because since she doesn't like the visual of a ball elevated above the ground, she jams the tee so far down that it almost disappears into the turf. She therefor always hits driver off the deck, and with her steep "Reverse C" swing it guarantees she'll either top the ball or catch it fat 9 inches behind, 99% of the time. She's lucky if she walks 50 yards ahead to take her second shot, generally.

My doctor kicks. My. Ass.

Every time we play.

Back around 1990 my doctor married a senior rep for some mega pharmaceutical company. He traveled around the country dragging hospital board members onto golf courses where they would sign mega pharm deals. And he needed HER to play so when a board member brought a wife along (or if the board member was a woman), he could produce a wife of his own to match her.

The problem was, my doctor had never played golf before. So hubby got her clubs, private lessons, and sent her away to numerous of golf "camps" where she would bunk for a week or three and do nothing but take instruction, practice and play. After a year or so she was deemed fit to join him.

And join him she did. At Doral, Spyglass Hill, Bay Hill, TPC Sawgrass, right on down the line at all the courses you see on calendars every year. Mega Pharm spares no expense trying to secure deals.

My doctor hated it. The guys were boors, husband especially, and it kept her from appreciating the game itself. When they divorced in 2000 she threw her sticks up in the attic and walked away.

Until last year, when during my physical exam with her I happened to mention I was considering returning to the sport after a year's economically induced hiatus.

"Oh yeah?" she said. "You know, I used to play. Maybe I'll join you."

There's a little 9-hole muni just outside our town, two par-4's and seven par-3's that costs 10 bucks, 15 if you want to go around for a full 18 using alternate tees. Amazingly, the course is always in absolutely pristine shape for a little muni. I don't understand how they can afford it, but there you go.

Doc was camped out at their front door on opening day 2010, as if it were Bethpage Black. And she called me from there.

"Scenic Farms is open! Scenic Farms is open! Get down here quick - there's nobody here yet!"

So I grabbed my clubs and hustled down there, where she promptly beat my by 3 strokes over 9 holes in her first game back in a decade. And she's BEEN beating me there at our weekly Thursday afternoon games ever since.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not so good that I expect to win whenever I lace up my FootJoys. I'd only been playing for a little over two years before I had to take last year off. But still. I'm big, and strong, and male , dammit. I blow it by her A HUNDRED AND FIFTY YARDS off the tee on the par 4's. How could this little birdlike... woman! ...end up taking my money time after time after time on the 9th green? It's just not natural.

Remember back there I mentioned she took lessons, was chained up in golf gulags, and played against all those men for about a decade? Apparently that's the difference. Muscle memory is long term memory, and as soon as she got those Square-2's in her mitts it all came back to her. She may have absolutely no length off the tee with driver, but once she's over that hurdle - and since we play only two par-4's per round that means only two hurdles - she's killer. She still doesn't get anywhere near respectable length with irons either, but she's laser straight. When she misses it's a pull (every now and then a push), not a slice.

And she's perfected the infuriating art of placing the ball to her perfect wedge distance, instead of going for it like a real man. When she finally makes it to around 50 yards to the green (normally her second shot on par 3's) she pulls out this battered, crummy little wedge that has no grooves left in the center third of the face, takes a crummy little practice swing that looks like it could never ever produce an actual impact, then lobs the ball up in a gentle arc onto the green and within smelling distance of the cup.

Every.

Single.

Time.

If I don't land my ball on the green in regulation, she beats me that hole. I could have sent it down the fairway off the tee so far that it takes her three swings to reach it from the reds. If I sail my second shot over the green, chip to the far side on the way back, then two (or three) putt...I'm down a stroke. And that happens a lot.

It is MADDENING.

But....

I just got back from our Thursday round an hour ago.

I hit 7 of 9 GIR's.

I beat the bitch. By 4 strokes.

YES! I am a man!

In the parking lot I told her to keep her cash. I had her write me a prescription for Ambien instead. I mean, who could fall asleep on their own after that kind of thrill?

I'm leaving tomorrow for a week's vacation, so her attempt at revenge will have to wait a fortnight. I'll let you know if she was able to come back and even the score then. In the meantime, hope you all manage to attain your own impossible goals on the course. It's sweet... so sweeeeet. .....

[PiustheDrGolf]

Very funny and well told. You must be a gifted writer than golfer. :)

[bkoguy07]

lol you used fortnight in context

[Koth]

Haha! Congratulations on finally beating that tiny woman.

Thump your chest with pride!

[vmsea]

lol you used fortnight in context

This is far more impressive than most golfing abilities!

[bkoguy07]

This is far more impressive than most golfing abilities!

Thats what I'm saying I've never found a practical application of this word in normal conversation, GOOD WORK! lol

[groovezilla79]

This is by far one of the best posts I've read on TST in a long time.

And here I thought all people wanted to talk about was Tiger