The Bears finally take one!

[Sherpat]

A freakin' BEAR stole my golf club!

On my way back from work Friday I stopped at the Golfsmith that's on the way to see if they were running any one day specials. They were, including a markdown on a number of used clubs. One caught my eye: a Cleveland CG12 60-degree for 19 dollars. Woo hoo! I had been toying with the idea of trying one lately, but didn't have the $$ for a matching Wishon. This one looked in very good shape, including grip. Just in case, I brought it back to the club maker counter and asked the guy if he thought the head/hosel/shaft looked ok. He was very nice, gave it a good lookover, and pronounced it fit (not that I wasn't gonna buy it for 19 bucks anyway, probably). Then he said "gimme a sec" and he ran a re-grooving tool on it. Next stop: cash register.

Had family over, so I couldn't try it Saturday. But Sunday they left and and we had a bit of a warm snap, so I grabbed the Cleveland, set up my net and...really sucked. Really, really sucked. Seriously, I should have spent those 19 dollars on a softball bat and just beaten myself over the head with it. The effect would have been the same. Instant headache.

But after, I dunno, 5 or 6 thousand swipes I finally forced my fat middle aged body to stay down long enough to get the club to hit the bottom of the ball (popping it over the net in the process) instead of the top, and began to see marginally better results. I don't think I'm gonna add it to my bag yet as my "success:suck" ratio is still about 1:384. But I'm not toying with the idea of exchanging it for a used softball bat any more either.

Anyway, after about an hour of "swipe...skull....swipe....skull....swipe....fat....swipe...." I saw, out of the corner of my eye, my little orange cat come tear-assing around the side of the house and dive into the woods across the street.

"That's odd" I thought. "She normally doesn't rouse herself for anything other than dinner."

I ambled over towards the side of the house to investigate.

I'd only gone about 10 feet when all of the sudden the cuuuutest little bear cub appeared from around the same corner, heading towards me.

Then another.

And another.

They were so cute! Fwuffy widdle bearkins with big black eyes and widdle black noses and....

And I was scared shitless.

Where there are baby bears, there are mommy bears. And every nature documentary I've ever seen about bears always took great pains to point out that mommy bears tend to err on the side of extraordinary violence if they think their cubs are in danger. I didn't want to hang around long enough to find out if that was true.

The problem was, the 3 cubs were now midpoint on the line between me and my front door. And Mrs. B. was due to round that corner any moment, I was guessing. Should I charge the cubs and chance a face-to-face? Should I join my cat? Run around the house the other way and risk ramming mom from behind?

Actually, none of those options crossed my mind. My mind had left the building. All I did was drop my new wedge and bolt. Towards the door.

I don't even remember the trip. Funny about that. I know I had to have either weaved around or leaped over one or more cubs, but the next thing I can remember was when I was halfway up the stairs to the door.

I'd made it!

At the top landing I stopped and looked down, just in time to see Momma Bear rounding that same corner. She saw her cubs ahead, sniffed the air, stood up, then sniffed the air again. She was probably as tall as me when vertical, but with a set of 4-inch steak knives at the end of each paw. She dropped back on all fours and shuffled across to her little ones.

*Whew*

Bears are actually simultaneously cute and majestic when hanging around as a family doing bear stuff on your lawn. Yeah, their poops are as big as a '57 Buick's hubcap and smell like rotting salmon, honey and slow hikers. But other than that, it was fun watching the cubs tussle and yip while mom plopped down at the base of a tree and kept an eye on them.

So cute! (Have I mentioned that?)

And then.

And then....

One of the cubs spotted something shiny in the grass and trotted over to investigate.

My club! My new 19 dollar, never to be found at that price again, Cleveland CG12 60-degree wedge!

THAT I FINALLY MANAGED TO HIT A BALL WITH!!

The hell with cute and majestic. I was pissed.

I almost started to scream "No! Bad bear! Bad! Go away!" when I spotted all the other bears, including mom, heading over to check out the bright sparkly thing too. Discretion being the better part of survival (bears can climb porch stairs, I'm pretty sure) I shut up.

At first, like for maybe 3 seconds, the cubs just sniffed at it. But then one of them grabbed the clubhead in his mouth and started running around in circles with it! My new Cleveland wedge!

Well of course, the other cubs immediately wanted in on that action. They all piled on and fought to be the cub who got to run around in circles carrying the magic stick in their jaws. All I could do was watch.

All Momma Bear did was watch too. But after a few minutes of what to her was probably another in a series of silly kid fights over a tree branch, she turned and started for the woods. Halfway across the street she turned and gave a loud grunt, and the three cubs immediately stopped their play and trotted after her.

With one of them still carrying my club in its mouth!

NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo........!

Fifteen seconds later a momma bear, her three cubs, and a Cleveland CG12 60-degree wedge disappeared into the 6,000 acres of Wawayanda State Park that surrounds my home.

And I didn't go after them.

I may be a golfer, but I'm not a SCOTTISH golfer. I'm not mean enough to face down a family of bruins on my own and demand they hand over a new toy.

That's what wives are for. And mine's Irish, which is close enough. I'll just tell her that one of them stole my club AND called her fat, and she'll be out there with a Bowie knife and a snarl before I can say "Fore, right!"

Hmmm. On the other hand, if something should happen to her I wouldn't have my laundry done for weeks.

Maybe I'll just wait for the Spring thaw and see if they've dropped it somewhere along the trail by then.

Or maybe I'll see one of them at my course later, hitting 'em close from 30 yards. You never know. They're a talented breed.

(Sorry this was so long, but I'm off from work today and have a lot of time to kill. Since I can't go outside and practice with my new wedge.)

[colin007]

hahaha! good one. youre a good writer as well, i enjoyed reading that...

[Sherpat]

Thanks, man. I'm glad you liked it. It was fun to write.

Of course, it would have been more fun if it weren't true....

:)

[Golf_Gal]

Gullible is written all over my forehead

[Sherpat]

Gullible is written all over my forehead

Gullible?

No, really - it's a true story!

[Golf_Gal]

You may be able to find another wedge at or around the same price that you paid I bought a brand new 60-degree LW from Golfsmith as well at about $20.

[James_Black]

Wow bears....
They ever come over near your house before?

[Sherpat]

You may be able to find another wedge at or around the same price that you paid I bought a brand new 60-degree LW from Golfsmith as well at about $20.

Thanks, yeah. I've seen 'em at that price there too. But not a Cleveland.

Still, hope springs eternal, and all that :)

[Sherpat]

Wow bears....

Yeah, all the time. Northwestern NJ has some of the largest black bear populations in the country, most non-Northwestern NJ residents would be stunned to know. And I live in a little enclave in the middle of a state forest, so we get them tramping through our yards all the time - especially on trash pickup day. My neighbor had one spend the entire winter hibernating under her front porch a few years ago, only discovering it in the Spring when she was down on her hands and knees planting flowers a few feet away, and looked up.

So we do indeed see them often, and usually they're not a problem. They don't even deign to notice insignificant little meatbags like us for the most part, as a matter of fact. They just keep on doing whatever they're doing when we're around, which considering how little threat most of us are to them is appropriate. But this is the first time I ever got between a mom and her cubs. That's a whole 'nuther dealio. :)

[wedstuntpuller]

That was pretty darn funny... laughing out loud at work with lots of people giving me dirty looks.

[Sherpat]

That was pretty darn funny... laughing out loud at work with lots of people giving me dirty looks.

Glad you liked it! And don't worry about the other people. Some people are just bears at this hour of the morning ;)