Losing your golfing buddies due to game progression?

[jonanthans]

I have meant to post this but keep forgetting, until it happened again today. Me and 5 buddies played 18 holes at a local muni. I shot 76 (course is par 70). We weren't playing for money, but we were playing the ball down. The 5 buddies I were playing with are all high handicappers, high 80's and mid 90's, and have been playing golf all their lives, while I only started playing 5 years ago. I have been noticing in the past year or so, when I hit what I think to be a real nice shot, I don't get the "Good Shot" routine from them anymore. Not that I need their acknowledgement, that's not the point at all, but it bothers me that it's not given, when typically we all give that to each other. I also have found out that in the past few months they have gotten together for scrambles and skins games and never even bothered to call me. These are guys that I have known for 12-15 years....Anyhow, today I was really on, hitting my drives good and hit almost every green in regulation, and made some really nice putts. Yet, I noticed they almost seemed to be mad that I was having a great round. I am extremely courteous on the course, I never gloat about my game or a shot, so I know it's not something I did or said. After the round, we all went to one of the guys house and watched the LSU game, and everything was normal......I guess the feeling I am getting is maybe they don't enjoy me being part of their golf group because either they feel my success magnifies their game weakness, or something else.... I really enjoy playing with these guys, but I don't feel like I should have to intentionally shoot a high score to remain a part of the group, and yet I'm not the type to confront them because it would look like I consider myself and my game superior to them...Has anyone else had a similar experience like this? Any suggestions? btw, I also play with several low handicappers from time to time as well, where we usually play for money, which I have to confess, I do enjoy, but I don't enjoy their group near as much as my old friends....

[Mr Eagle]

I thought that the handicap system was employed to make golf competitive for all levels of ability.Why anyone would not want to play with lower handicap players is beyond me ,you can only improve playing with better players surely.

I would ask them how they feel

[alf174]

Over the course of years, this is one of the reasons why your circle of friends will slowly change. I don't hang with anyone I knew in high school or college any more (20+ years now) but the current circle is made of people that are involved with the sports I'm doing now. I still do things with the circle from my last sport that I was heavily involved with (and the water skiing before that), not as frequently, but my activities have changed and that brought in a new group of friends to do it with.

It may be time to slowly move to a new group of friends for golf that are closer to your abilities, especially if the current group is not inviting you to events anymore; you can still hang for the ball games.

[klaymon]

If you are definitely getting left out of events that you know you would have normally been invited to, it sounds like you are being shunned. My father-in-law has started to become frustrated when we go out sometimes. He's told me this much: his frustration stems from the fact that he has been playing for over 5 years and I've started scoring better than him after playing for 1 year.

Do not start shooting high scores just to make everyone feel better. They have seen your abilities and they may take your new highs as feeling sorry for them. You've obviously worked hard to get where you are, so play like you know you can.

If you truly sense a problem, you should confront it in some way. Just be as vague as the situation will allow. Something along the lines of, "I've noticed you guys seem to be a little put-off or distant with me lately. Is there something wrong?"

[iacas]

You could suggest playing a 6-6-6 or something with them for a little money, or pairing up weekly for nassaus, low ball/low total matches, or even skins.

That way, they benefit from your low handicap, and might be inclined to see you as a "positive" rather than a negative.

Or maybe since you're talking about six guys, you weren't invited to a scramble because you've not been playing golf together as long as they have. You said they'd been playing - presumably together - for longer than you've been playing.

Nobody likes to have their inadequacies pointed out to them. Your game does that. Find a way to make your skill "good" for them or... whatever.

[mruseless]

I've been on both sides of this. I have a buddy who has been golfing much longer than I have, and he keeps commenting on how "I practice too much". It got to the point where he really didn't want to play with me any more. I kept talking to him about the handicap system and eventually convinced him to play me for beers with me giving him strokes (he refused to take strokes before). Once he came around, we had fun again.

On the other side, I've got a friend who is much better than me, yet he is very stingy with the strokes he gives. I can never beat him because he will not give me enough strokes. I don't really enjoy playing with him because I have little to no chance of winning. So lately I just refuse to bet. (We usually play a $2 Nassau or a 6-6-6).

So the bottom line is this: put some money on the line with them, and make sure to give them enough strokes so they have an even chance to win. Then maybe everyone will enjoy playing together again.

[Long_Ball_Bogey]

I've been in a somewhat similar situation myself. As alf174 said, this is a natural human tendency--some folks embrace change while others do not. It sounds like this group doesn't really appreciate the change in their status quo. On top of this, your progress does indeed point out their inadequacies however unintentional. If you really like these guys, there's no need to "confront" them and risk alienating yourself--just realize that change is a part of life.

I, personally, had to let my group go. When I first got to this area (I'm military, so I move around every few years), I met up with a group of guys of similar skill (high 90s) & we played on a regular basis until I got familiar with the courses and improved my game. Although we never played for anything (supposedly), the group became more and more distant as I began to consistently shoot the lowest scores in our outings. I never talked about winning or hitting good shots, but noticed that the compliments held a lot of sarcasm when we played. Now that I look back on it, it is kind of funny. --LBB

[telrod11]

I know you feel you aren't doing anything, but would one of them say that you are? Not picking on you, but are you trying to "help" them or anything that you do that would be great if they were playing well, but not taken as well when someone is struggling?

Just asking, because I will play with anyone lower or higher, with only three stipulations:
Keep it moving
Keep your temper in check
Don't help me - no swing tips, even if I am struggling

If none of these ar ethe case, then I agree with some of teh above advice. Play some sort of a game and have a different parner for each six holes; That should bring some of teh fun back in to it....

[dave s]

I hear what you're saying, Jonathans. Here's what I would do. As the person in your playing group you can trust to give you straight answers and ask outright if there is a reason you aren't being asked to the scrambles and about the wierdness you're feeling within the group.

Hopefully, he'll shoot straight with you. Listen and decide whether there might be something you are willing to change about yourself during the golf gig to make things better for you. Not saying what you have isn't good, it's just different NOW and for some reason.

dave

[jonanthans]

I never offer tips or advice to my friends, I hate when people do that to me and I don't do it to anyone else. If asked, I will offer any thing I may have noticed, but other than that, I keep any opinions and advice to myself. I am the type of guy that likes to enjoy the round of golf. I've never thrown a club, never slammed a club or such.....I don't know, it befuddles me....

We usually play a scramble on Sunday mornings before the games come on, I didn't get a call this morning. So I called one of the guys that I figured would shoot me straight. No answer and hasn't returned the call. Guess I'll have to just find another group to play with. Can't say that it doesn't piss me off, but I'll just have to let it go, I don't like to hold grudges either.

[alf174]

I never offer tips or advice to my friends, I hate when people do that to me and I don't do it to anyone else. If asked, I will offer any thing I may have noticed, but other than that, I keep any opinions and advice to myself. I am the type of guy that likes to enjoy the round of golf. I've never thrown a club, never slammed a club or such.....I don't know, it befuddles me....

If they are friends that are true, you'll hear from one or more again inviting you to play a round.

[golf_junkie27]

I feel for you, dude. This absolutely stinks but my brother taught me that you will learn a ton about people by watching them on the golf course. Guys that don't repair ball marks, replace divots, throw clubs, constantly curse, etc act like this in every facet of life. The fact that you have known these guys for a while and now are given the cold shoulder is just wrong. Personally, if I had a friend who was much better, I'd want to play with him...ALL THE TIME. (I do know that person but it's been hard with our schedules)

IMHO, good for you. Be glad that you have gotten better. If these guys are acting like children because you've gotten better, then they don't need to be your golfing buddies.

[Lemay427]

I saw this in another thread

shot a 76 today at the local uni (par 70), good weather and great friends!

Did you find new friends?

[kekoa]

you are better off. go find some new friends who will push you to get even better. I'm a true beleiver that playing with crappier players does nothing for your game. in fact, in can actually hurt you.

[Chief Broom]

You could suggest playing a 6-6-6 or something with them for a little money, or pairing up weekly for nassaus, low ball/low total matches, or even skins.

This is good advice!

No doubt your buddies are becoming intimidated by your skill level. It's basic human nature. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that they probably remember when you weren't any better at golf than them. iacas' advice about turning your better skill level to their advantage is spot on. If after doing this you still are finding that they have a problem with your game, cop an attitude with you, or whatever, then I'd say it's time to move on and find new playing partners. Sadly you'll find in life that many of the people around you aren't happy with your successes. You see this sometimes when your career takes off, or when you meet someone special that you'd consider being with permanently. Those people are threatened by your new happiness/success. They become toxic and subtly denegrate your success and applaude your failures. When this happens you need to get those people out of your life. If you think this is bad with a group of old golfing buddies wait until it's a close family member or spouse who turns toxic on you. It can happen though. Good luck and never let other people bring you down...

[case31]

Golf is a fickle game like that. When I was a member at a public course close to my house, I would head out at the crack of dawn on Saturdays and Sundays. There was a threesome that would graciously let me play with them (otherwise I was playing alone). They were a fun group, and I enjoyed playing with them. One guy in the group would claim he played during the week and shot rounds of 75, 78, 77, 76. However, he would never shoot close to that when I saw him (none of his friends ever saw him shoot those scores either as I was told). During play, he would do things like roll the ball, not count penalty strokes, give himself 4-footers...
Long story short, this guy eventually grew very resentful when I would shoot legitimate mid 70s scores. He then told the other two guys to not allow me to play with them. Not a big deal since I was never a true "member of the clan", but rejection always stings at little.

[dave s]

We usually play a scramble on Sunday mornings before the games come on, I didn't get a call this morning. So I called one of the guys that I figured would shoot me straight. No answer and hasn't returned the call. Guess I'll have to just find another group to play with. Can't say that it doesn't piss me off, but I'll just have to let it go, I don't like to hold grudges either.

Lot of negativity in this thread. Not yours. Mostly the other responses. My guess is that it's a 'birds of a feather' issue and the state of your game is now 'different' than things used to be.

Think you mentioned early on that your game has now exceeded the group in terms of abilty? Obviously, you are serious about the game and have high expectations for yourself. Many guys who golf in groups like yours, it's more a social thing. We hang out, drink a couple of pops and catch up on each others lives on the golf course. Golf is just the common interest used to satisfy their goal which is more social in nature. You probably didn't have to do much other than start carding sub-80 rounds to quickly become NOT one of the bunch. Definitely a wierd situation. I truly hope one of your buddies in the group shoots straight with you and let's you in on what's going on. Friends are hard to come by. Apparently, your group has enough that they feel they can toss one aside. All the best and keep us posted. Week ago Sunday we had 5 in our group. All guys in our weeknight league. Group scores ranged from 77 to triple digits that day. One guy wasn't feeling well, so he didn't play the last 2-3 holes. No big deal. I have a hard time understanding the 'politics' of something as simple as a round of golf. We even coined a new 'inside joke phrase' that day after Dan had three 7s in a row. Next hole I had a "Dan." From then on scores were a "Dan minus 2 or 3" and "who can go LOW DAN." Golf and the interaction among friends is way too precious to mess it up with Jr. High School games. dave

[Grndslmhttr3]

Case, I find that story hilarious. Not the rejection part, but the fact that he was (and probably is) so jealous of your skill that he no longer wanted you to play with them. Those stories always make me chuckle. As for me, I prefer to not be the best, but not the worst. I like my group, because normally no single person is always the best scorer, except for the odd man out who has a handicap of two or three. I guess there's always one of them everywhere, but I honestly don't mind.
On an unrelated note, I suppose I can take credit for introducing many of my friends to the sport. They all picked it up fast, too.