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Golf Jokes Master Thread

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I have no problem with golf jokes that pick on guys, and in fact I welcome them. They'll give my fiancée something to come back with.

My friend José sent this joke to me today:
A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee!"- she said. "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

You're more than welcome to start a "clean golf jokes" thread, but this one asks you what your favorite dirty golf jokes are.

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One day a man was out playing golf, when he sliced his shot off into a patch of buttercups. Rather disgusted with himself, he went in search of his ball. After finding it, he was ready to hit the ball back on the fairway when he heard a voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups". Startled, he looked around to find the source of the voice to no avail. Again the man prepared to hit his golf ball and again he heard the voice say "please don't hurt my buttercups". This time when the man looked to find the source of the voice, he saw a small leprechan standing by him. The little man spoke to the man and said, "Please sir, if you will kindly pick up your ball and throw it up onto the fairway instead of hitting it with your club, I will reward you with a year's supply of butter for free". The man thought about the offer for a minute then replied, "That's a fine offer, but I have but one question for you, where were you last week when I hit my ball into the *****willows?"

I like it. My kind of thread.

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Bob was a man of faith and a golfer. He played golf every Sunday after attending church services. He felt ill one day and said to his wife "I hope there's golf in Heaven. I feel horrible!"

His wife told him not to overreact. "Go to church and pray and you'll feel better."

Bob went to church. As he kneeled at a pew, he prayed "Lord, thank you for everything - my health, my wife, and golf. I hope that I can still play golf in heaven."

When Bob finished, a voice thundered "Bob, this is God. I hear you and will answer your question. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?"

Bob was startled. "Give me the good news," he said.

God replied, "The good news is that in heaven, we have thousands of championship golf courses, play is never slow, it's always free and you will never lose a golf ball."

Bob was ecstatic, "That's wonderful! You've answered my prayer! But what is the bad news?"

God replied "You tee off tomorrow at 9 a.m."

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A wife and husband were sitting around talking when the wife asked "If I died, would you re-marry?"

"I would," the husband answered.

"You would?" the wife asked, a bit surprised. "Would you let her come into my house?"

"I would."

"Would she be cooking in my kitchen?"

"She would!"

"Would she be soaking in my bathtub?"

"She would!"

"Would she be putting her clothes in my closet?"

"She would!"

Growing more exasperated, the wife continued asking: "Would she be driving my car?"

"She would!"

"Would she be sleeping in my bed?"

"She would!"

"Would she be using my golf clubs?"

"Oh, no, definitely not."

"Why not?"

"She's left-handed."

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Two best friends met to play a round at their country club. There were two women playing ahead of them and they had to wait few holes in a row before they could hit their shots. At the 4th tee one of them finally said :
" Hey, John - why don't you walk up to these ladies in the fairway and ask if we could play through?"
John agreed and started walking down the fairway. Half way down he turned around and jogged back.
"What happend?" asked the other friend.
John said "There is NO WAY I could ask them to play through. Once I got closer I realized it's my wife and my mistress playing ahead of us !. I hope you understand. Why don't you go and ask them?"
The other friend started walking down the fairway... half way down he turned around and came back looking down, avoiding John's eyes.
"What happed???" asked John.
"It's a small, small world" answered his friend.....

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A funeral procession was driving by the golf course as a group was putting on the 18th green. Upon seeing the hearse, one of the players stopped and put his hat over his heart as the procession passed.
"That was really a very nice gesture," one of his buddies said.
"Hey, it's the least I could do. After all - I was married to this woman for 18 years !"

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Q: What do three-putts and masturbation have in common ?

A: None of us will EVER admit doing it... but we all KNOW sooner or later will do it again

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Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. 'I sure do,' he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter.

'Wow!' said his friend, 'Where did you get that monster lighter?'

'I got it from my genie.'

'You have a genie?'

'Yes, right here in my golf bag.'

'Could I see him?'

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie, 'Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes I will'' the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, 'I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

He answers,'I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?'

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Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

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A man was golfing with his wife and shanks his drive off the the right. He walks over to his ball and sees that the tracter shed is in th way. "honey if you open the doors on both ends of the building I can hit a knockdown right on the green and make shure no one sees you.
So his wife go opens both doors and waits on the other side of the building. After a while she peeks around the corner because her husband is taking so long and is hit square in the forhead and dies on the spot.
The man doesnt play for a few years and his friends drag him out to play one day at the same course and on the same hole he shanks it by the shed. His freind says to him" You could open the doors at both ends and hit it right on the green. and he replied "No, last time I did that I ended up taking a double bogey.

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Yo Erik, what happend to the golf jokes threads?

I've got one, probably old and definitelly long - good for a chuckle or two tho'


Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.

Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand.

By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was resting to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"

She said blushing ".... that's when I'm fifteen minutes late."

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You mean the one you get when you search for "joke"?

I'm polish after all. This forum setup is confusing, I assumed when I click on "Golf Forum" I'll see ALL forums and ALL threads...

Guess not.

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