Losing your golfing buddies due to game progression?

[jonanthans]

I saw this in another thread

No, same group/same day as the topic in question. I still had a great day playing golf, and I still consider them great friends. Like I stated, I don't like to hold a grudge, and I will probably not bring this up to them, I just accept it as what it is and move on.

[chrt396]

I hear what you're saying, Jonathans. Here's what I would do. As the person in your playing group you can trust to give you straight answers and ask outright if there is a reason you aren't being asked to the scrambles and about the wierdness you're feeling within the group.

That is the best answer. They are friends and good friends don't come easy. You can always confront them with personal questions..especially if they have been your buddies for a long time. Ask...and don't get mad at the reply if it is something you don't like. Just try and understand and adapt.

There is also another possibility that just popped into my head. As we play..practice and our game matures...our view of the game changes. The casual golfer looks at an outing as a social exchange with the guys and is there to blow the stink off from work and family and just let it loose with his buddies. Maybe as you have progressed in your game, you have taken it more seriously and even though you love the game as much if not more than your "Buds"...you are acting a tad bit more serious. Just a thought that popped into my head. Nothing wrong with it...but everyone reacts differently to that dedication. Maybe you are not cracking as many jokes as you used to. They are your friends and they are a protected species. You don't have to change...just need to adapt! Friends rule...! I have been around and around with a member in this forum that thinks that I'm ragging too much on a friend while we are playing golf. This member is actually bordering on becoming mean! If I didn't screw around and acted serious..they would think I became a snob and they would be telling me so....or they would do the same thing that has happened to you. I would no longer be invited...and THAT would stink! I'm not saying that you are wrong! As I get better...I feel the seriousness in the technique that I use...but I realize who I am with and why we were attracted to each other as golf buddies. Good luck...and get your buddies in line!

[Parker0065]

Sounds like a tough spot to be in with your friends.

I have not had a experience directly like yours but it does remind me of a very special group of guy's I had the previlage to play with for 5 years back in the early 90's while I was still in the Army. We were a regular foresome every Saturday and I was the dominant player by far in the group. We always played small money games that were fair and gave everyone a chance. One thing about Army Light Infantry guy's is they can be very competitive. Every weekend they would tee it up and say "OK Parker, your going down this time,,,lol". We had a lot of fun together but unfortunately like all good things it came to an end when we were stationed in other bases. My buddies looked at beating me as a challenge that they wanted to undertake like Rocky knocking out Apollo,,,lol! Not everyone likes a challenge so a better player can be very intimidating and annoying to some people.

Since then I have not found a group quite like that and perhaps never will, but I get so much enjoyment out of playing with my son now that he's into golf.

Like many others have stated, life, priorities and friends do change from time to time.


Sorry I don't have any earth shattering advice for you other than do what feels right to you, Good Luck!

[Lefty731PM]

These problems do not arise when you all have a proper handicap. You don't have to "give" anyone anything. I'm a 21, you're a 10. The card tells us where I get strokes, and it's match play every time - a game within a game in whatever comp you're playing. Maybe a lottery ticket or $2 per 9. Throw the 4 balls up on the first tee, closest pair is a team. Toss for honour and sack the "captain" after 9 holes if your team lost and take the honour yourself. Good fun and an ego free zone

[ZaPPPa]

These problems do not arise when you all have a proper handicap.

It depends.. If the real problem is jealousy and not scoring, it does not matter what rules you introduce. I currently only play with a low-handicapper who is very supportive and is stoked when he sees me hit a good drive or make a long putt. He knows our handicap differs by about 20, so I have a long way to go to get close.

I think too many people equate time with experience. Not time practiced, but time in general. If I say I have been playing for 20 years or 6 months, what does that tell you? It shouldn't mean anything without additional information about how much time per week, your practice routine, your theoretical knowledge of the game and whatnot. In short, you got to ask yourself.. is it jealousy? If it is, you can either find out a way to explain to them why you have progressed so quickly in a way that they can accept it more easily. If you practice a lot, let them know.. if you don't, well... that won't help the situation. Or.. you can just accept the fact that they won't be rooting for you and play your own game. Also, the concept of 'good shot' changes as your handicap goes down. What's a good shot for me would probably be a terrible shot for Tiger. If your handicap is 20 lower than theirs, they may have a hard time understanding what you'd call a good shot for youtself. I know I have a hard time deciding when my buddy makes a good shot. The instance that confused the hell out of me was when he hit a 250 yard drive in the middle of the fairway on a par4 dogleg left. I turn around and tell him 'good shot' and he proceeds to slam his club on the ground and breaks his shaft.... Apparently he pushed the ball slightly and didn't cut the dogleg the way he wanted to... See my point?

[yeis20]

Simple:

Offer to your group to just play the course rather then each other. Who really cares who wins?

So what you shot a 76 vs your buddie who shot a 92?

If they are friends, it should be more of a social event vs some type of beat your bud competition.

If you really want to still be involved, offer to buy the first 2 rounds ... something along the lines of "Lowest score buys first 2" rnds, lunch... etc

You making that offer will get you reincluded if it is nothing more then some type of silly financial thing vs a real issue your playing partners have with your personality or attitude towards them as your game has improved.

2 sides to the story I am sure

You can ask directly or offer real solutions to the group if they say it has nothing to do with your improvement.

You assume is it due to game progression, and this could be the case if it is because you always beat them.

Real friends would never alienate you because your game has improved.

[Chief Broom]

I'll parse your post but don't take this personally or as an attack...

Simple:

I imagine they are currently playing like this and the problem still exists. The problem is that the OP is better than his friends and that is making his friends uncomfortable.

If you really want to still be involved, offer to buy the first 2 rounds ... something along the lines of "Lowest score buys first 2" rnds, lunch... etc

I don't see this as a good solution. It smacks of the OP paying his friends off. To me someone you have to pay to be a your friend really isn't your friend.

Real friends would never alienate you because your game has improved.

And herein lies the rub. Real friends don't alienate you so if these folks are then it's a pretty safe bet that they aren't much in the way of friends.

I guess I'm in somewhat of the minority here in that I don't put such a premium on friendship that I'm willing to accept bad behavior just because someone happens to be a friend. Friendship just like any other relationship requires work and effort from both parties to make it work. That's not to say that one should drop their friends at the first sign of trouble, but after a while if a friendship becomes all one way. All you contributing to the friendship and all them just taking all the time. Then at that point you really need to reevaluate the relationship, and not be afraid to make the hard choices when necessary. Since I'm older than many of the posters here (42) I've seen this kind of thing happen a pretty good bit. It always hurts and it's never easy, but it's a part of life and not being strong enough to stand up when you need to can lead you down a very bad road in life in a very short span of time.

[Grndslmhttr3]

I think too many people equate time with experience. Not time practiced, but time in general. If I say I have been playing for 20 years or 6 months, what does that tell you? It shouldn't mean anything without additional information about how much time per week, your practice routine, your theoretical knowledge of the game and whatnot.

Exactly. I have been golfing since I was about five (11-12 years) and one of my friends, who took up golf this past May is just as good as me.

[T.J.K.]

This is a crappy situation you are in. I would ask directly cause the type of person I am. If you don't get a straight answer, that doesn't mean they aren't your friends. It may mean that they are such good friends they have a hard time telling you.

I currently have 2 groups I regularly play with. I have been lucky enough to merge the groups a few times since the common factor is me in both of the groups. The handicaps range anywhere from 5-36. We haven't had any trouble. Most of the lower handicaps understand that the higher handicaps just play for fun. It's not a big deal to them. They just like to get away for the day and enjoy it. They could shoot 200 and be fine with it.

[yeis20]

Chief Broom,

Original poster stated:

"I also have found out that in the past few months they have gotten together for scrambles and skins games and never even bothered to call me."

I focused on that particular line as to why he is losing his golf group... he obviously went out with them when they were not playing some type of me vs you competition format.

My other points were supplied given the nature of the poster feeling uncomfortable addressing the situation directly.

Taking excuses off the table will allow him to be able to confront the group without seeming abrasive.

[jonanthans]

Little update for this topic:

I played with 3 of the guys today, I called them Friday and set up an 18 hole foursome. We played a local 18 hole muni that is in really good shape right now. We played singles, counting every stroke (down), which actually was their choice, not mine. I still noticed the same attitudes after the first few holes. I shot a 79, and the closest to me was an 88. I never brought up the subject during the round, but after we were in the parking lot I spoke with Stephen, whom I have known longer than any of the others, and he is also the guy who shot the 88. I told him I was noticing that I usually wasn't called for the rounds unless the other guys were busy and I was a last option. I also told him how I felt like there was an almost resentment to my game improvement. I asked him to be completely honest with me and tell me what the issues were.

Basically what he told me was several of the guys felt like it wasn't a fair match any longer when we play foursomes, that since they are all fairly equal in hdcp, that whoever gets paired with me has an unfair advantage ( Hence the reason we didn't play a 2 man scramble format earlier today, I knew something was up with that!). Also, some of the other guys felt like I was acting like I was better than them, and the reasoning for that is because when I hit a good shot, I don't celebrate like they thoguht I should, so they take that as being arrogant. Silly crap like that. He said that nobody in the group had said not to call me for the golf outings, but that they had been bringing along other guys, co-workers, etc that I guess fit closer to their hdcp and therefore gives them a better chance to win. I told him I appreciated him telling me and that I understood, and that if they did want to ask me to come I still would, and nothing would ever be said about our conversation.

So basically thats the deal. It's crazy to me, because there are other sports we have played where I was clearly not the better player, and I never once had a disliking for one of my friends just because they might be better at it than I was. But I guess some people are just like that....

Anyhow, I did want to say that I have been playing almost every afternoon, and I have actually played 3 times with another group that are 12-15 years older than I am, but are cool guys, and are solid players. And that may actually be even more beneficial to the advancement of my game, playing with players who make me concentrate on playing harder and smarter.

[Long_Ball_Bogey]

Good on you, man. I'm glad you finally got to the bottom of the situation. I'm willing to bet that even if you did celebrate your shots, someone would think you were rubbing it in. You'd almost have to be apologetic about your "good luck" whenever you hit a solid shot. Take it for what it is, but it sounds like you don't have to lose your buddies completely. Hopefully, the new guys you are playing with can push you to get even better. Good luck! --LBB

[jonanthans]

Thanks LBB.

btw, I noticed you are from Shreveport, thats about an hour from me. What course do you usually play? I've played Old Oaks and Shreveport Country Club before, I have a friend who lives there who used to play the Nationwide Tour.

[shooter33]

Well at least they aren't ignoring you because they have gotten better and you haven't...

[dave s]

Little update for this topic:

Glad you kinda-sorta got to the bottom of thing. Stephen was good to lay it out for you. That was nice.

Now my comments: As mentioned earlier, your dedication to improvement has been met with 'you're no longer one of us.' Another thing that came out in your 'update' post is that they've been looking elsewhere for players to bring into the fold that can be BEATEN by the regulars. They seem like 'big fish in small pond' guys for sure!' Inviting stiffs to their events ... they should be ashamed of themselves!!! Here's hoping it backfires miserably in their collective faces!!! Oh well, it appears you know where you stand and accept it. You're a great example of a 'standup guy' Jonathans. take care, dave

[alf174]

Nothing wrong with offering to give them strokes if you want to continue to play with them.

[Long_Ball_Bogey]

btw, I noticed you are from Shreveport, thats about an hour from me. What course do you usually play? I've played Old Oaks and Shreveport Country Club before, I have a friend who lives there who used to play the Nationwide Tour.

I bought a home near Huntington Park, so I play there most of the time. I play Old Oaks about once a month--it's a great track, but could use some work. Other than that, I hop around from Stonebridge to Fox Run (Barksdale). Haven't had the chance to play SCC yet. Where are you located? --LBB

[Voiceontapex]

stuff like this kinda happend in my group, the one guy is super jealous of ppl for all reasons hes always gotta be better,

we were all playing in a tournament and my buddy hit it past the long drive marker, he just couldnt let him have it, he hit like 10 balls trying to hit it past him and couldnt, he still brings it up to this day when he outdrives him on the course,

we used to play alllll the time but then i got a promotion at work (both work for same company) he was making more than me before, now i make more than him and well, he doesnt call me anymore and ive found that he talks crap about me/ has always talked crap about me haha whatever

someone like that id rather play by myself haha