girlfriend is going to uni

[pxc]

fraser, yeah i kinda know its already over. idk that she's willing to give up that "party life" and i dont want to be that guy that asks her to...

I don't personally know what an "exit strategy" would need to be in this case - just tell her what you think, be clear about it, and let that be it. You don't need to be a jerk about it, just be clear and honest. It may be a relief to her that you have thought this through and are the one doing it so she doesn't have to.

[ChiChiIsMe]

chichiisme, i live in chicago, she is going to western illinois uni in macomb.

Ah, that's the confusion. Western is in Macomb. WIU. You're right. 4hrs.

[pittpanther]

I don't personally know what an "exit strategy" would need to be in this case - just tell her what you think, be clear about it, and let that be it. You don't need to be a jerk about it, just be clear and honest. It may be a relief to her that you have thought this through and are the one doing it so she doesn't have to.

The "Exit Strategy" is the plan to eventually be in the same place (not an exit from the relationship). Let's assume that both decide to continue to long-distance relationship. It will have a better chance of succeeding IF there is an end in sight. Perhaps if they say "we will go to graduate school in the same city," or "we will look for our first jobs in the same city."

If instead they just flounder along, making independent decisions, they will never get to the same city, and the long-distance relationship will eventually peter out. Regardless, if ti was my son I would advise him to break off the relationship now. Don't be afraid of being alone. Unless you're that nutcase from Pittsburgh in the fitness club shooting, you will find plenty of other women.

[Shindig]

Yes, but whether or not your survive a ten story office drop is outside of your control. A relationship is something you forge and affect all on your own doing.

While you have more control over a relationship than you do over a drop from a ten story window, it isn't anywhere near completely in your control. You have no idea what your partner's intentions are, or how faithful they are, or what they're doing when they're not around you. I believe the OP has made references to her "party life" - and we all know how girls in college are, when they're away from boyfriends.

She could well destroy the relationship on her own right, such as by finding someone she prefers to be with, whether on a long-term basis or just for a night. Or she could keep him as backup - have her own relationships in college, and see him when she returns to the home city. This might not be as big of a problem with older adults having long distance relationships, but she's 18. And, for that matter, he's known her for 8 months - he may have no idea what she's going to be like at college. I was shy and reserved in high school, but it took me all of a day to come out of my shell at college.

Sure the statistics are generally against you but as I said earlier if they both want it to work hard enough it can.

And the key piece is both working at it. We have no idea what her desires are. Even if she wants to, at the moment, stick with him, we have no idea what she will want when she gets to the dorms, or the first party, or so on.

[motograter7]

I tried to break it off with her last night, I told her how I felt about the whole situation and that I at least wanted to keep contact and talk, but that I knew I couldnt handle a long distance relationship where she is going to be meeting tons of new people. I told her I'd rather her enjoy her experience there, and I didnt want to be the guy to start fights off jealousy and have it then be an explosive, more hurtful break up in the end.

she comes back a month after for one week, and I told her maybe we'll try at it for that month and when she comes back we can meet up and talk and I'll ask her again what she thinks then. She did not like that at all but I think its the right way to go.

also, she became very very angry at me for planning to go to a concert in november with a lady friend of mine. She told me that she didn't like it and would rather I not go and told me she was actually going to write to this girl and tell her off and to leave me alone. I dont think thats very fair considering the circumstances, I should live my life too, right?

[Shindig]

also, she became very very angry at me for planning to go to a concert in november with a lady friend of mine. She told me that she didn't like it and would rather I not go and told me she was actually going to write to this girl and tell her off and to leave me alone. I dont think thats very fair considering the circumstances, I should live my life too, right?

8 months in and she doesn't trust you. This relationship is shaping up very well.

Yes, you should live your life. In fact, I believe you should never - never - put up with someone running your life, particularly this early in the game.

[TheJuice]

I know that letting her go is best, I just don't want her to be "the one that got away"... I know it sounds stupid but I hate this feeling. She is (so far) the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't want to lose it...

Said the same thing at 18. I had been dating the girl for nearly 2 years. I ended up calling it off before going to college. In retrospect, I enjoyed college a lot more than my friends who tried to stick together with their girlfriends in a long term relationship. You will change a lot at school and so will she, so its not worth hindering yourself with a person 4 hours away.

You will especially thank yourself after you meet "that cute girl who sits in front of you in class and lives on the floor below you," trust me.

[pxc]

also, she became very very angry at me for planning to go to a concert in november with a lady friend of mine. She told me that she didn't like it and would rather I not go and told me she was actually going to write to this girl and tell her off and to leave me alone. I dont think thats very fair considering the circumstances, I should live my life too, right?

Are you sure you were clear? Did you qualify things too much and leave it open to some vague notion of getting back together after she's away for a month? That isn't fair to her. If she spends that month missing you and looking forward to seeing you and getting back together with you, and you spend it getting over her, things will be worse when she gets back and find out you've moved on.

[zeg]

I tried to break it off with her last night, I told her how I felt about the whole situation and that I at least wanted to keep contact and talk, but that I knew I couldnt handle a long distance relationship where she is going to be meeting tons of new people. I told her I'd rather her enjoy her experience there, and I didnt want to be the guy to start fights off jealousy and have it then be an explosive, more hurtful break up in the end.

My advice (which I'm terrible at following, btw) is to think about her feelings, but remember that you're making decisions for yourself and she needs to make decisions for herself. If you don't think you can handle the long distance relationship, you don't have an obligation to try to make it work, and that's fine. Trying to explain that it's so she "can enjoy her experience" is treacherous ground. While it's good for you to be sensitive to that, ultimately that is something she should decide. But when you're breaking something off, I think it's best to focus on the reasons why YOU are breaking it off. Of course, that's a little different from having an open discussion of what the right thing to do next is, but it sounds like you made up your mind. If that's not the case, I apologize for reading too much in.

also, she became very very angry at me for planning to go to a concert in november with a lady friend of mine. She told me that she didn't like it and would rather I not go and told me she was actually going to write to this girl and tell her off and to leave me alone. I dont think thats very fair considering the circumstances, I should live my life too, right?

ABSOLUTELY you should live your life. There is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. It's obviously a little tricky, but IMO it's completely unfair for her (or you) to expect you (or her) not to hang out with a friend simply because of their gender. However, you do have to be fair and honest about it. Be sure your intentions with this ladyfriend really are compatible with the commitments you've made to your girlfriend.

[motograter7]

Are you sure you were clear? Did you qualify things too much and leave it open to some vague notion of getting back together after she's away for a month? That isn't fair to her. If she spends that month missing you and looking forward to seeing you and getting back together with you, and you spend it getting over her, things will be worse when she gets back and find out you've moved on.

No, that's not it at all...

I told her the decision would be hers when she comes back after that month. I'm the one hoping she will come back and say "yeah, not what its cracked up to be" and want to be together, but realistically, i'm not expecting that to happen. I'm starting to feel like in the end what ever happens is ok. I would hope that she doesn't forget me and misses me and looks forward to seeing me, but if it doesn't happen, a lot of what I've been reading here is the "theres plenty of fish in the sea" type opinions so I guess I'm starting to feel that way too.

8 months in and she doesn't trust you. This relationship is shaping up very well.

Yeah, I don't understand it either, I've never done anything to her to make her feel like I would do something like that. I'm a pretty honest guy all around, lying just never made sense to me. She's known that for a while even before we dated, so I don't get it.

I've actually caught her up in lies a few times now, and I found out once she made a late night visit to a mutual friends house, "to talk"... But she hid that from me, and when I found out she gave me the "I didn't want to upset you" thing, but I'd have just rather she gave me the truth before she even went, I would have been fine with it to an extent. From what I know nothign happened, and they did actually just talk, i hope. This is the main reason why I feel like it won't work in a place where there will be a lot more guys and if she easily felt that she could hide that from me, here in the same town, how do I know that she wont do that while shes away? I honestly dont think her intent was malicious when she went to this kids house, but the fact that she hid it from me makes it a lot harder.

[pxc]

No, that's not it at all...

Take this for what it's worth, but I think that is a mistake. You should break up because YOU want to, not because you think she might want to. This line of thought doesn't seem honest. Do you just not want to feel bad?

Yeah, I don't understand it either, I've never done anything to her to make her feel like I would do something like that. I'm a pretty honest guy all around, lying just never made sense to me. She's known that for a while even before we dated, so I don't get it. I've actually caught her up in lies a few times now, and I found out once she made a late night visit to a mutual friends house, "to talk"... But she hid that from me, and when I found out she gave me the "I didn't want to upset you" thing, but I'd have just rather she gave me the truth before she even went, I would have been fine with it to an extent. From what I know nothign happened, and they did actually just talk, i hope. This is the main reason why I feel like it won't work in a place where there will be a lot more guys and if she easily felt that she could hide that from me, here in the same town, how do I know that she wont do that while shes away? I honestly dont think her intent was malicious when she went to this kids house, but the fact that she hid it from me makes it a lot harder.

I would say there are reasons to not be friends with someone of the opposite gender when you're married (I had to do this myself). But now it turns out she is acting untrustworthy. I don't know why you're making this harder on yourself. Let her go, you go your own way, and let that be that.

[Martyweir]

Been there done that- on the flip side of your situation... My GF was a year younger & I went off to college. She was sure that I was the one, and I just couldn't wait to go to college & party!!! I wasn't sure what to expect, so we tried to make it work, and TRUST ME HERE - it never works.

Long story short, It's time for you to move on & let her do her thing. With your age difference, things are about to get really weird anyhow. She's going to party & expirament with other guys weather you're dating or not, so do both of yourselves a favor & take it back a notch. You can always visit when she's home, but if you end up the jealous boyfriend from back home all of her friends will make her resent you. If she isn't ready to break it off, then keep it casual & visit her but understand that when the cat's away...

I know it's probably painfull thinking about it that way, but you need to look around a bit to make sure she's all you really think she is!!! TrUSt ME doOd, when yer married game over, so enjoy life now!!!

Tough love brother!

[motograter7]

Take this for what it's worth, but I think that is a mistake. You should break up because YOU want to, not because you think she might want to. This line of thought doesn't seem honest. Do you just not want to feel bad?

You are correct, I am not doing it because I want to, its becuase I'm afraid she will at some point and it will be due to all the jealous fights. So I'm trying to save myself the headache and heartache that will surely come by the sounds of it. Also, she has done some untrustworthy things, and I don't want to have to find out the hard way she fooled around while she was away, regardless of how long we or anyone ever has been dating, thats a painful thing to have to go through.

[Shindig]

I've actually caught her up in lies a few times now, and I found out once she made a late night visit to a mutual friends house, "to talk"...

Lying to me is one of those "once and you're out" things for relationships. I can't tell you how many you should tolerate, though.

[Fat Slice]

No, that's not it at all...

Run, don't walk. This is experience talking.

[NI4NI]

Sounds like I'm in the minority here, but my girlfriend, at the time, and I were dating for ~ one year before college placed a three-hour+ drive between us. All I can say is: "Trust, Respect, Honesty, and Space". You both need this time and distance to test drive the relationship. Rule #1 in dating and investments is never invest in a declining asset.

It just turned out that my GF and I handled the distance and relationship very well, and we've been happily married now for 14 years with four beautiful children. Hey, some of us hit it lucky very early in life, and know that a good thing's worth working through. It wasn't easy, but definitely was worth it.

Only you know if she's worth the "investment" (she also has to feel the same way about you). Good luck.

[pxc]

You are correct, I am not doing it because I want to, its becuase I'm afraid she will at some point and it will be due to all the jealous fights. So I'm trying to save myself the headache and heartache that will surely come by the sounds of it. Also, she has done some untrustworthy things, and I don't want to have to find out the hard way she fooled around while she was away, regardless of how long we or anyone ever has been dating, thats a painful thing to have to go through.

You just gave me a bunch of reasons why it'd be better to just break it off for good. But I guess you have to do what you think is right.

[whetstone]

In light of the new information you've given us, this is the best advice you're going to get.

Run, don't walk. This is experience talking.