Relationship with your son

[ks8829]

I have a 15 year old son, a junior in high school, my other child is a 9 year old daughter. I made it a point not to spoil my son and infact I was very hard on him growing up, I made it a point recently to change my attitude towards him and it has been wonderful, he has opened up too me in little ways that are to me giant steps, he recently saw a movie and after picking him up from the movies he started talking to me and sharing what the movie was all about. This would not have happened just a month ago. before he would not talk to me and I was always getting on his case for doing something wrong and we would evently begin to yell at each other.

I think the one thing that helped me understand my son and what he does is the fact that at 15 years old his brain has not fully developed and that there are corky things that he will do and I have become more understanding and patient with him because I know this fact.

I have started to compliment him more and stopped nagging or yelling at him for being late getting ready for school or other small things. He recently left an important document in his pants pocket and it got washed in the laundry, before I would yell at him and tell him how irresponsible he was, (I am think undeveloped part of his brain) and was calm and only said that it was ok and found a solution to the problem of replacing the important document. he was late getting ready for school and I calmly said that he needs to get ready sooner. One day he made me wait 40 minutes over the time he said that he would be ready to be picked up from after school, I did not begin to yell at him as usual but asked him why he was late and that I was waiting for him for so long and he apologized and I gave him the silent treatment only and I think it worked, he did not do anything when he was in the car for about 10 minutes before he started texting to him friend. Hopefully all this change, he will want to play more golf with me soon.

Its a slow process but I see the changes it has made in our relationship and wanted to share with you that its never too late.

[Mattplusness]

You just need to relate to us more, dad!

[jamo]

Good luck with your son. I hope it works out well.

[MJP]

Whatever you do don't find something to fight about. It's vary rare the child will start a fight with you. Unless he is a toddler. Just always be positive to him, even if he does something wrong. Explain how and why it was wrong to do but never yell at him and make him feel stupid.

I know when my father used to yell at me in my high school years I would fight and fight with him only to make it worse. Now if he bitches at me, I won't even respond. Someone who intentionally tries to find things to fight about doesn't deserve a response.

Now giving your kids enough attention is actually worse than spoiling them too much. But not by much. Gotta find that happy median where the kids are still learning the lesson they need to learn but in the process are still enjoying their life.

A buddy of mine who was kind of kept at home a lot by his parents (over parenting) during his high school years ended up more tentative to move on with this life and dependent on his parents.

Another buddy of mine who did whatever the hell he wanted (under parented) during his high school years ended up more reckless and lacking self discipline.

Basically, the 1st guy wouldn't give himself a chance to get arrested due to being too sheltered his life. AKA he's very paranoid and cautious.

The 2nd guy is the exact opposite. He feels like he can do anything and get away with it (although less these days, as he's been arrested a few times).

These two guys are my best friends. I feel like I am the happy median between both of them to be honest. My parents were lenient but wouldn't let me do stupid things like stay out until dawn breaks. Basically, I felt enough freedom to not have to betray my parents trust to achieve more freedom (because i didn't want anymore), but not SO much freedom my stupid teenage self goes out and does something stupid and possibly permanent.

Coming from a 19yo, I hope this helps you. I just went through all those bullshit years with my parents. They sucked, but they could have been a hell of a lot worse.

BTW, no matter how perfect a parent you are it is very highly unlikely your kid will say he really enjoyed his high school years. It's not necessarily your fault if you child doesn't seem normal or happy. He's just maturing a lot in those years.

edit: i have the opposite problem. I am trying to get my father to play more golf with me! He loves to, it's just he can only play once a week. Usually then it rains (like today for instance). I'm grateful for a father who works so much to give me a better chance at succeeding in life, but I just wish I could have a little more time to hangout with him.

[ks8829]

Thanks for the response, I appreciate it very much.

My son is passionate about basketball and spends most of his time playing basketball at least twice a week and after also school, overall he does not get into too much trouble since he is busy. He has been playing basketball for at least 7 years including high school, he just recently joined a church organized basketball team and enjoyed it so much he asked to go to church to hang out with him friends, he's gone 3 weeks in a roll.

His grades are improving 3 A's a B+ and D+ in history, had a rough start with his first two test, but improving.

I know that within two years he will go off to college, so the time is ticking to spend with my son.

[themightytimmah]

I know that within two years he will go off to college, so the time is ticking to spend with my son.

And that's not the end all of everything - my relationship with my father improved significantly after college. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, for sure.

[ks8829]

I am working on improving our relationship so that he can come and talk to me about anything. I see small steps from him and it makes my efforts to improve our relationship that much more rewarding for me.

[CanadianGolfer3]

this is a nice thread that i can relate to. I too find myself hard on my son. hes 13 and i must say i tend to overreact quickly. gonna take your advice and see how it goes.
I do think i have a good relationship with my son. but i do think it could be better.

thanks for the post.

[ks8829]

I see other fathers have a great relationship with their family and their sons and I want to change because I did not like the direction my relationship with my son was going. We were constantly fighting, yelling, I was getting upset over small unimportant issues. One day I simple decided to change my attitude towards my son, and I am still working hard to become more respectful and giving to my only son. I see the small things that are changing in our relationship and I like the new direction that its heading. I still will keep him in line, but it nicer overall.

Before I know it, he will be going away to school and starting his own life.

[jamo]

One day I simple decided to change my attitude towards my son, and I am still working hard to become more respectful and giving to my only son

Have you told him that you have decided to change your attitude? Just saying that to him would make him feel a little bad for you, get him to look at it through your eyes. Make it a team process.

[ks8829]

I did not tell him verbally but with my actions and how I am treating him different and with more respect, I know that he feels the difference in my change by the way he has changed towards me, its very clear to me that he know but, thanks, I will verbalize this to him also and tell him that I love him as well.

[jho786]

When I was a mid to late teen my father and I always butted heads with arguments based on logic or how we thought things worked. He thought he was right and I did too so that never worked out. My mother always told me that that is how all the men on my dad's side of the family are and that it's the german stubbornness lol. I went off to college and we both cooled down and I realized that sometimes it's just better to not get into arguments about nothing. Now that I'm in my mid 20's I sometimes catch myself being stubborn when talking to my gf and she gets very frustrated sometimes and I have to take myself out of the situation and calm myself down and not be like that. Now that I've just calmed down and not looked to prove my dad wrong our relationship has gotten better and he's very happy about that since his brother and son (my uncle and cousin) got very bad and they didn't speak for a few months.

[senorchipotle]

it's going to take a lot more than a month. as somebody who had a tough dad growing up, to be completely comfortable speaking to you and truly being himself, that can take a number of years. my dad was pretty authoritarian up until i was almost finished with college, which was only five or so years ago. and i still have a hard time opening up completely to him. thing is, you have to create an atmosphere not where you resort to being his parent and his friend(that will come later), but where he doesn't feel like you're constantly putting pressure on him.

i don't know your exact situation, but you've got to assess his individual personality and come at him in a specific way. people are different, and to treat him as you would anybody else makes him think that you don't care enough to try and understand him. so talk about it, ask him to better help understand him and allow him to understand your position as well, so you can meet on some common ground. let him know that you do have expectations and get him to write down some personal goals for the short and long term. in turn, you should write out some as well. they could be anything from golf, to finances, to whatever. then you should share your goals together and come up with some together. i.e.: you and he will play golf once a month, you will go hunting, fishing, etc. most importantly, try to get him to be as organized as possible before he goes to college.

also, i really like the idea of a family book club. you, him, and your wife should read a book every two weeks, then get together one night and talk about what you read, the themes, what you liked/disliked. i'd suggest some thought provoking books that will get him thinking for himself and becoming confident in making his own decisions. allowing him to become confident in himself and his decision making is probably the most important thing a parent can do. nit picking and yelling at him is just going to make him insecure and second guess everything he does. let him know there are consequences, and that he alone is responsible for his actions. teach him about economics and finances, and what it takes to provide for a family. there are a million things you can do. he's getting older, so just be honest and open with him. just don't force things. if you're paying bills one day, let him see what you're doing and explain it to him.

there are lots of things you could do. try a few and see if they stick.

[Fat Slice]

I think you (op) are on the right track. Congratulations, it's hard to realize your own faults and even harder to correct them - which often means fighting your first impulse. I am sure you son appreciates it and you're already benefitting from an improved relationship. Keep it up.

[mdbuschsr]

Nice thread. As an adoptive parent to a 10 year old with emotion/developmental issues, fighting the first instinct is a hard thing. When we "got" our son, it was all discipline, ALL the time. But it had to be, as he had never had any discipline. Now, after almost four years, I am trying to back down a little and let him make mistakes, and be a boy. In that time we have gone from daily bad reports from school, to now, I haven't heard from his teacher since the first day of school. NNNNIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCEEEEE!!!!!! Heck it's almost normal!

Now I just need to get my wife to back off a tad, and things will get even better.

[ks8829]

Thanks for sharing you experiences and thoughs with us. I know that it's a long term change for me.

I have given him $20 a week for lunch and let him spend it anyway he wants too. I also read an article that recommends teaching savings, the article said to match your childs $75 saving with my own $25 to encourage saving, so yesterday night he gave me $150 and I match it with $50 for a total of $200 that I will keep for him.

I pick him up today from school and he asked if he was late and I said no, it was nice that he brought it up first.

[Comeback City]

I have a 15 year old son, a junior in high school, my other child is a 9 year old daughter. I made it a point not to spoil my son and infact I was very hard on him growing up, I made it a point recently to change my attitude towards him and it has been wonderful, he has opened up too me in little ways that are to me giant steps, he recently saw a movie and after picking him up from the movies he started talking to me and sharing what the movie was all about. This would not have happened just a month ago. before he would not talk to me and I was always getting on his case for doing something wrong and we would evently begin to yell at each other.

Anyone else pick up on this ??

[ks8829]

teenage brain not fully developed

http://www.suite101.com/blog/pytel/t..._not_developed

http://life.familyeducation.com/teen...ent/36499.html

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/s...ryId=124119468