Golf Adages

[GlobalGolf]

I got trapped in a rabbit hole today trying to entertain myself with some humorous, insightful golf sayings out there. Wanted to share. Let me know if anyone out there has any good ones - I'm going to keep a running list for myself.

• Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
• Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
• If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
• No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
• The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors
• Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
• It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ... For a 10 on that hole.
• Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
• It's not a gimme if you're still away.
• The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
• You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
• If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
• Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
• When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
• If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
• To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
• Hazards attract; fairways repel.
• A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
• If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
• It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard
• A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
• Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
• A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
• If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
• Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
• It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
• If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
• It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery!
• 99.99% of all matter is empty space, but that last .01% will stop a golf ball dead.
• A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.
• A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
• A golf match is a test of your skills against your opponent’s luck.
• A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, any group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent—or worse.
• A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
• A 2' putt counts the same as a 2' drive.
• All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
• All vows taken on a golf course are valid only until sunset.
• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
• Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
• Bad shots come in groups of three, therefore your fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of your next group of three.
• Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic and, while this cannot be measured scientifically, the more expensive the ball, the greater this water-magnetism.
• During your swing, never think about more than a hundred separate things.
• Errors must go somewhere. If your driver is hot, your putter is ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you keep your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.
• Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater that desire.
• Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must then immediately make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
• If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, yours is the one in the bunker.
• If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
• If you’re afraid that a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still put-ting out, you have two options: immediately shank a lay-up or wait until the green is clear and then top the ball.
• If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme putt,” you might wish to reconsider this game.
• No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up!” or invoke the wrath of the golf gods.
• No putt ever got longer as the result of a ball being marked.
• Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
• Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.
• Palm trees eat golf balls.
• Sand is alive. What else could explain the way it works against you?
• The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
• The frequency with which balls are lost increases as the available supply decreases.
• The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
• The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
• The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
• The last three holes of a round always adjust your score to what it really should be.
• The less intelligent the player, the more certain he is to offer insights into the mental side of your game.
• The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your swing.
• The only difference between a $1 ball and a $3 ball is two dollars.
• The person you most hate to lose to is always the one who beats you.
• The secret of golf is: use your real swing to take the big divot, use your practice swing to make the shot, and always hit your do-over first.
• The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”
• There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
• There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have and which one is wearing the glove.
• To hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods, just try to lay up short of a water hazard.
• Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
• Whatever you think you’re doing wrong is the one thing you’re doing right.
• When your shot must carry over a water hazard, you may either hit one more club or two more balls.
• You can hear thunder a hundred miles away when you’re three holes down with three to play.
  

[WWBDD]

There's no room for a story in the little box on your scorecard.

[RC]

Don't take the price sticker off your putter so it still thinks it is a "try out" loaner and will make most of the putts.  As soon as you remove the price sticker, it starts pulling and pushing those 3 footers..

[zipazoid]

60% of the advice you receive is 40% correct.

[TourSpoon]

If you are playing poorly, lay off for three weeks then quit for good.

[jetsknicks1]

The only luck on a golf course is bad luck, the rest is all skill.

[GlobalGolf]

Oh these are great!!

[zipazoid]

  RC said:

Originally Posted by RC

Don't take the price sticker off your putter so it still thinks it is a "try out" loaner and will make most of the putts.  As soon as you remove the price sticker, it starts pulling and pushing those 3 footers..

Along this line, realize putters get jealous. If you try out a sleek new model, your old putter will get mad at you & won't make any more putts.

[walk18]

The more people that are watching, the worse the shot will be.

[LuciusWooding]

The headcovers on your long clubs are designed to protect the club, but mainly to get you to reconsider using them.

The adjustable hosel on your driver is designed to change the direction of your shanks.

The bounce on your wedge is designed to help the sole skip along the ground and give you extra yards when you throw it.

Golf balls only scuff if your handicap is below 10.

[WWBDD]

You drive for show, but putt for dough.

Other than line and distance, that was a nice putt.

3 wood is for shots that are long and wrong.

[BigT]

I use this one often:

I'm a scratch golfer, I hit the ball and scratch my head wonder why it went that way.

.

[TourSpoon]

[COLOR=FF00AA][/COLOR]You only have one real problem...you stand too close to the ball after you hit it!

[zipazoid]

Courtesy of Lee Buck:

Two things that don't last - dogs chasing cars & pros putting for pars.

[GVD28]

They called it "golf" because all other "four letter words" were taken.

[parsRgood]

Always keep an extra putter in your trunk so the one you're currently using knows it can be replaced at any time!

[Arrow68]

"I want to throw my bag into the lake!" The way you play today, you might miss the lake!

[Arrow68]

Golfers are like kids. They seldom know how to count more than five