The Reality Open

[Dr. Strangeclub]

They should hold an event on the PGA tour played under the same conditions that I (and most US golfers) have to endure. I offer the following standards for the Reality Open, which will be a required event to maintain one's tour card. There will be no cut, and all four rounds must be completed barring a major injury.

1. Amateur foursomes will be interspersed between the pros, no one playing to a handicap of less than 20. The pros will play in foursomes with one teen-aged novice player per professional group. All players will arrive at the course and place a ball in the rack for their place on the tee...first come first serve. The starter will see to the interspersing of amateur and professional groups. 2. A golf cart will roam the fairways carrying soda and beer for sale, said cart to loom out of the woods at unpredictable times. The driver will pay no attention whatever to whether any golfer is in the process of hitting or putting when he cranks it up to move on to the next group or player. 3. No GatorAid. The course will have just one water cooler per side -- when it goes empty, that's it. The remainder of the field will just have to suffer, no matter what the temperature -- unless they can get lucky with requirement 2. 4. The front greens are to be mowed and new pins set on Monday, the back on Wednesday. They will not be mowed again or pins reset until after the tournament.(Neither will they be squeegeed during rain, nor air-blown to remove leaves.) 5. The fairways will be mowed during the round on Thursday. 6. At least 3 greens will be freshly plugged, 3 top-dressed and 3 verticut. 7. The front side greens will be fertilized and watered during the round on Saturday, the back side greens sprayed with pesticides during the round on Sunday. 8. The mower used to cut the greens will have an oil leak and very dull blades. 9. No maintenance crews will rake the traps between or during rounds. (The interspersed amateur foursomes will take care of business as usual.) No more than half the traps will have rakes. 10. There will be no caddies. Pros can rent a pull cart, ride 'em cart, or carry their bags. There will only be 30 carts, first come first served. 11. There will be no officials to assist with rulings, all penalties to be assessed according to common agreement within the foursome. 12. The practice green will have no more than 3 holes, chip shots not allowed. 13. There will be no practice range, or if there is one, it will be closed. 14. No sissy red stakes will line the woods along the fairways. If they hit their ball into trees, they will have to play it out or hit another one from the tee with stroke and distance. 15. There will be no areas marked as ground under repair, no matter what shape they're in. 16. Tee markers will be no more than 12 feet apart, placed on either a) an unlevel portion of the tee, or b) beneath an overhanging branch. Tee markers will not be moved during the course of the tournament. 17. The rough will not be mowed for at least 6 weeks prior to the tournament, and there will be no putty-butt "first cuts". 18. There will be no high-falutin' collars around the greens. 19. The preferred course will be near a garbage dump, crematorium, slaughterhouse, freshly manured field, or other evil-smelling public facility. Failing this, at least one of the fairways will be bordered by a prison fence, so that the players can be heckled by the inmates while they play the hole. 20. There will be no marshals or ropes to control the gallery, but tickets will cost $10000 each to keep the crowds down. (Let them find their own damn ball, and when they airmail the green it will bounce out of bounds the way the golf god intended.)

None

[Dr. Strangeclub]

Think that's about it for me around here. When I posted an almost identical version of this on rec.sport.golf, back in 1994, people found it funny. Got a lot of response to it and other people reposted it over the years in rsg for people who missed it. Even found it on a website, unattributed once, so at least one person thought it was even worth stealing. I guess golf is far too serious to be taken lightly on this forum, especially professional golf, so I'll be saying sayonara. Nothing worse than a comedian bombing, eh?

[RC]

Don't think we would see many 12 under par winners in the Reality Open. But I have to say, years ago they would hold our state amatuer on public courses that sound a lot like the one you describe. I never understood how some of the courses (which you would not pay to play) got selected for an otherwise serious title. It was really difficult to hit good irons off hard pan or mud. Stimp speeds of 5 or 6 just kill putting for those that play on double digit greens. One thing you left out is after the rounds, no one goes out and fills divots so there has to be a few gouges 3 or 4 inches deep 'cause I would love to see how a great pro hits a shot out of a small burial plot which is angled 45 degree to the right of the target line to the green.

Don't leave... not everyone even reads the Grill Room, and we need humor from time to time. I've learned to laugh at some of my golf shots and have found golf is more fun with humor.

Plus, non-responses don't mean much... I have killed many topics with a posting myself. Look at it another way... you had the last say on the subject (and that killed it.) Ha ha.

[IcemanYVR]

haha... that was a good read, but don't forget;

1) there will be no Porta-Potties... pea breaks will be "au natural"

2) If you are playing late in the day, the sprinklers will come on as you are finishing your last two holes

[jamo]

There will be a distinct lack of grass on the tee boxes.

The edges of the holes will be caved in.

[bwdial]

The edges of the holes will be caved in.

... except for those that are volcanoed by pins being jerked out too roughly.

[BostonSully]

21: Prior to the start of play everyday a 4some of 65+ year old gentlemen in metal spiked golf shoes will stand in a circle around the hole and proceed to moon walk in unison around the hole for 5 minutes on every hole.

[double_j]

Let's not forget concrete bunkers with more rocks than sand (and they have to pay for their equipment when it gets ruined), sunflower seed shells all over the greens, no fixed ball marks, and crushed cigars on every green.

That said, I'm guessing that for most of our courses, the winning score would still be somewhere around -40.

[Dr. Strangeclub]

Originally Posted by IcemanYVR

haha... that was a good read, but don't forget;

1) there will be no Porta-Potties... pea breaks will be "au natural"

2) If you are playing late in the day, the sprinklers will come on as you are finishing your last two holes

Two more suggestions that I've never heard before!  Spot on!

[shotly]

The sad thing is that the OP just about described a course that I practice on a lot. The part that got me was the part about the lack of water coolers. I practice on this course because it's close and the only water coolers are on 5 and 15.. Very irritating when you're walking and it's 95+ with 25-35% humidity..