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Golf Jokes Master Thread

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Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the morning to ya". As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those thing my, son?" asks the attendant."They're called tees," replied Tiger. "And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger. "Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas working for Buick think of everything!"

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Bill was 26 over par by the eighth hole; he had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough. When his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt, Bill exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

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A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.

At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

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This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.

The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fu#*^ng putt!!!"

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Maurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Maurie. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"

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One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together.
After teeing off, they sat off down the fairway, continuing their chat.

"What do you do?" the first man asked.

"I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hitman for the mob," replied the second man.

The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous and continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He than asked the man where he lived.

Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."

The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"

"Gray."

Then he asked "What color siding?"

"Yellow."

"You got a silver Toyota?"

"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."

"That your red pickup next to it?"

Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope.

Looking through the sights, he said "Hell. That's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"

The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blond?"

"Yeah."

"Your buddy got black hair?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. They're going at it like a couple of teenagers in there." said the hitman.

"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"

The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the groin!"

The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy. This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"

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Normally I hate the endless emails people pass along to me just because they find them amusing (or they want to win a trip to Disney World

) but since this was a golf joke I thought I would share it...
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden...POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF...she was gone. After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Jerry, where are you?" Jerry yells back, "I'm over here in the ***** willows." Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Jerry; for the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!!

Ah it got edited, but that is fine.

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haven't heard this one yet, so I decided to share

A guy comes home after a round of golf and WHHAAAM! slaps his wife across the face.
"why did you do that ?!?!?" she screams.
"I'm hitting everything fat today" he answers

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Q: Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A: A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"!
A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.

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    • I have seen this by playing with some very unusual golfers over the years. Guys that have what most would consider poor swings, but they know where the ball will go. They have some sort of deep competitive nature or want to score so bad. It is like they can score from sheer will power. Some of it might be ignorance. They don't know what they don't know and just get the ball in the cup. If they saw a video of their swing it might change their game/scores for the worse. I have seen a guy that would line up with body and shoulders maybe 30% to the right of the target line and consistently pull the shot maybe 10 degrees left of target. He would hit a lot of greens and was very competitive with his peers. Another hooded his club at address more than I have ever seen anybody. He would line up for a draw/hook that would be a low runner. He shot 2 over on the 9 holes we played. I worked so hard and concentrated so much to beat him by by one stroke. The most intense 9 holes ever for me. We were playing with 6 other of his regulars and they I know they all wanted him to beat me. I was not going to let the hunchback of Notre Dame beat me. (that is what he looked like in his set up and swing) I knew another guy who had a beautiful set of clubs and had started playing 3 years before. Not an athlete by any means and well into middle age. He shot a 92 with the most consistent slice I have ever witnessed. He stayed right on my heels through most of the round. Don't remember him ever losing a ball. He knew the distances on his clubs and knew where the ball would land and how it would roll. He would line up on the tee well to the left and most tee shots would land in the fairway. Maybe 200 to 210 yards. From a mental perspective he seemed a little like Moe Norman. If you tried to "straighten" out any of them with some instruction I would put money that they would never recover, LOL.
    • Yesterday my brother and I went out and played a course that we haven’t played since March. It’s a slightly easier course than my home course, so I was going into the round thinking I would easily shoot in the 80s. I didn’t, but I wasn’t that far off. I didn’t hit the ball great on the front, but was able to hang in there and shoot 46. Two highlights: •I chunked my tee shot on the par-5 fifth and didn’t even reach the dogleg, but I was still on the green in four. I rolled in my difficult six-footer for par. That was a confidence-builder, since I almost never play that hole well. •I had about 145 in on the ninth hole, off a slight downhill lie. 8I again to four feet. This may have been the best shot of the day (my approaches on 17 and 18 are also solid contenders), but I unfortunately missed the birdie putt. The back nine was better, and I actually walked to the seventeenth tee needing to birdie one of the last two holes to keep it under 90. Both were good opportunities, the 17th being a reachable par 5 (453 whites), the 18th a short par 4 (354 whites), but the seventeenth is the better chance. My drive wasn’t quite long enough to have a good shot at the green, so I laid up with a 3/4 9I (there’s a small pond about 100 yards short of the green), which left me about 135 yards into the wind. I decided to hit a knockdown 8I, and it came off perfectly and settled eight feet out, exactly pin-high. Grazed the edge with my birdie putt, which left me with a tap-in par. Although I wanted the birdie, I was satisfied, because I hit three good shots to give myself a legit birdie chance, and I hit a good putt. I wanted a three on the eighteenth hole, which would give me 89. My last drive found the last fairway, and I had about 140 to the pin. I went with the 8I again, full swing this time. As soon as I let it fly, I knew it was gonna be good. Twelve feet out. I knew I had another chance. However, I seemed to forget that putts from above the hole on this particular green tend to slide quite a bit if you missed it long. I had the line perfectly, but I gave it too much gas, and it rolled past and just kept on rolling until I had a longish par putt. I lined up my eight-foot par putt and missed it, so I tapped in for an ugly three-putt bogey to finish at 91. With the exception of that three-putt, I played the last two holes very well. For some reason during this round, and it’s not because of my fade, I had a tendency to lose my iron shots to the right, which was frustrating because that isn’t normal for me. I didn’t hit them poorly at all, I just pushed them a bit.  My brother played his first full eighteen in about three months, and he was doing pretty well until he pulled a muscle in his leg on the 14th tee. I still don’t know how that happened. I thought he was gonna quit right there, but he didn’t. He battled on, and managed to hang in there until the 17th. After he putted out, he told me he was done. So he sat out the last hole and watched me play it.  Im probably only gonna play one more time before Saturday, which is when I’m playing my “birthday round”. I mentioned on this forum about this time last week that I was playing Lonnie Poole, but my dad went on the website last Friday, and the earliest tee time we could’ve gotten was around 2:30, meaning, because it’s typically a busy course, we probably weren’t going to get all 18 holes in.  So I looked on the list of courses I made just in case we couldn’t play Lonnie Poole, and the course that stuck out to me the most was UNC Finley. I remember when I was in middle school, I had a friend who played there a lot, and he said it was a great course. We were able to get a tee time there, for 11:24. I’m looking forward to it!
    • You are overthinking it. You are basically going to have such similar shafts by hard stepping the 6.5 or softing the 7.0 (both in flex and more importantly in weight), that if you can hit one, you can hit the other or vise versa. You will get much more definitive results from bending the lofts to adjust trajectory.  You would really need to move into a different weight class before I would say you would see any noticeable difference over the long haul between shafts.
    • Coincidentally, this article came out and lists a lot of what we say in LSW and so on. Scoring lower again involves: Not taking penalty shots. Not taking doubles or, when you get better, not making a bad bogey. (You're still going to make some bogeys.) Playing for pars and letting the birdies happen is tough for people to get. Understanding where to miss the ball and fitting the "better side" into your shot pattern/Shot Zone. The last part answers your question of sorts: If you can develop a ball that only curves or misses one direction, that's a pattern. You can play a patterned Shot Zone much more easily than you can play a "fern" Shot Zone (where the shots have a root and then spread out in all directions from there, two dimensionally, like a fern). I'm not sure what "fighting" a one-way miss means - if the vast majority of your shots are, for example, missing left, either open the face to take off some of that left miss/curve or just aim right and play it. If there's trouble left, aim WAY right. The smart-player's guide to dropping 10 shots — guaranteed Improving at golf doesn't require hours of range time. Recreational players just need to take advantage of the stat-based scoring opportunities out there.    
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