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Golf Jokes Master Thread

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Husband and wife were playing in a alternate shot tournament.He hit a great drive down the middle - she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot which went onto the green a yard from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it 30 feet beyond the cup. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said, "Well Honey, we have to do better. That was five strokes - a bogey!." "Don't blame me," she snapped, "I only took two of them."

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There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway .. a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy .. isn't that Dick Green?" "No" replied another, "I think it's just a reflection of the grass!"

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A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought certainly some of his or hers friends would have been willing to take her spot? " So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral"

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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" The dentist thinks to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and says, "Honey, open your mouth and show him."

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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" The dentist thinks to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

LOL!! These are great!!!

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This isn't a golf joke, but I'm including it for Cody:

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, SHIT!” Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: “Hold my beer and watch this.”

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This isn't a golf joke, but I'm including it for Cody:

Heh, that sounds just like one of my best friends. I'm more on the "Oh, S**t!" philosophy though.

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A guy gets married and on his wedding night figures he should get what has been burdening him off his chest. He tells his new bride, "I know I should have told you earlier, but I am an avid golfer. We won't be spending a lot of time together because I will always be on the course."

She blinked a couple of times, swallowed and said, "Well, dear, since we are confessing, you should know I'm a hooker."

Without missing a beat he replied, "Don't worry about it. We'll open your stance and weaken your grip. Before long you'll be hitting 'em perfectly straight."

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One of my playing partners told me he played golf like he made love.

He really enjoyed it, did it as often as he could, BUT, it was an ugly thing to watch!

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A guy gets married and on his wedding night figures he should get what has been burdening him off his chest. He tells his new bride, "I know I should have told you earlier, but I am an avid golfer. We won't be spending a lot of time together because I will always be on the course."

That's a good one.

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A man goes to a bar after work. Has a couple of drinks and meets a beautiful woman. He flirts with her and she takes him back to her place. They have sex all night long. When he wakes up he is shocked to see where he is. On his way out he sticks his hands in the house plant and dirties up his clothes.

When he comes home to his wife she says "Where were you?"
He says "Well, I went to the bar, had a couple of drinks and slept with a gorgeus woman."
"You Liar!! You've been golfing again haven't you?!?!"

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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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3 generations of the same fmaily were standing on the first tee about to play their regular Saturday morning round when this gorgeous blonde turns up and asks if she could join them. They all look at each other and say sure why not??

She proceeded to knock her drive right down the middle of the first fairway, stick the 2nd next to the pin and hole the putt. She pretty much played the same way the whole way round and came to the last green needed to hole a tricky 6 footer for par to have gone round level...

At this point she says "I've never gone round in par before, if one of you can give me the correct line and I make the putt I'll give you a blow job!!"

The grandson immediately takes a look at her line from both sides of the hole ands says confidently "Aim 6 inches left of the hole, the putt will break when it gets about 2 ft from it and dive into the middle"

The father then looks at it and says "No son that's wrong, aim around 3 inches to the right, it'll break from about 1 foot from the hole and dive in the middle"

Finally the grandfather looks at them both shaking his head, goes and picks up the ball, drops it in the hole, undoes his zip and says "That's a gimme"

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A single guy goes on a week long golfing holiday in thailand, he arrives at the course and on the first day and plays 18 holes. he arrives on day2 at the clubhouse and asks the barman if he knew if there was anyone that wouldnt mind him joining them for a round, so that he wouldnt have to go around on his own. The barman looked around and said there was nobody, apart from a dodgy looking woman who was sat on her own. 'the guy walks over and asks her if she fancied a round, she accepts and off they go.
They have a great time, and then agree to go for a meal,then a drink. As he walks her home, he stops her says thanks for a great day and gives her a kiss , and arranges another round of golf for the next day.
The next day they do the same again, golf, meal, drink this time as he kisses her he runs his hand up her leg and onto her bum he says see you tomorow and they go their seperate way.
Day 3 its much the same, Golf, meal, drink, he kisses her, has his hands on her bum, and she gives him hand relief ,before they go their seperate ways they arrange the next days meet.
as you can now guess, Golf, meal, drink, kissing, groping, but this time she performs oral sex on the guy then leaves having arranged the next days golf, both are sad it'll be his last day before going home.
on the final day they play golf, have a meal, go for a drink, then the guy says " ive had a great week, ive really enjoyed your company, would you stay in my hotel room tonight so we could have sex?" the woman looks at the guy and says "ive got something important i have to tell you! Im actually a man" the guy looks down shaking his head, looks up at her/him and says "you c*nt, you've been playing off the red tee's all week!"

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Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different. this.”

you forgot Florida.. I can say that I lived there for 23 years..

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you forgot Florida..

I think in florida the last words were "damn, my dentures came off, hold the wheel, I'll pick them up"

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