girlfriend is going to uni

[motograter7]

Hey, I need some advice and I'd rather get it from an outside/more experienced source.

In about three weeks my girlfriend is moving away to attend university, we've been dating almost 8 months and have become extremely close. I don't know how I should deal with it, becuase I have a good feeling i'm going to lose her.

Statistically we will break up, Its college, she will be meeting new people and its only natural she mesh with others who have similar goals and interests. what are the odds we will stay together? is there any way to make this work? she will be about four hours away from me and I don't want to throw this away...

someone help me!

[pxc]

Remember this is the internet, so take advice here or anywhere on the web with a grain of salt.

That said, I assume you are about 18, right? Are you going off to college too? You will meet a lot of girls during this time, she will meet a lot of guys, and a distance of 4 hours will likely make you both miserable. Right now it's hard to even think about not being with her, but from an outsider's point of view I think it would be harder on both of you to try to keep it together. In 4 years neither of you will be the person you are now, and it will be hard to keep up with each other's changes when you only see each other once a week. It'll turn into once every couple weeks and lots of phone calls, then less of both, and eventually you will probably break up.

I don't personally believe that everyone has that one special soulmate out there. I am married and love my wife a ton, and there's no one I'd rather be with. But objectively speaking I doubt I would be depressed and miserable if I had somehow never met her and married someone else that is like her. This may sound callous, but there are 6 billion people on the planet.

So, with absolutely zero knowledge about either of you, I'd suggest you consider your TRUE thoughts and feelings about her, yourself, your goals for the next 10 years, etc. You know the stats. Do you want to be sad now or sad, frustrated, and resentful for months and then more sad when you eventually break up?

[zeg]

Keeping in mind the caveats expressed by pxc about not knowing your details, I agree with what he said. It's rare for high school relationships to last. It's fine if they do, but it's not as much of a disaster as you feel right now if they don't. I broke up with my long-term girlfriend (2-3 years) before leaving for college (much further than 4 hours away). Part of the reason was knowing that feeling tied to someone would make it harder for me to meet new people and make new friends in a period in life when that's possible in ways it will never be possible again.

You're somewhat on the other side of the equation since she's leaving, but the principle isn't that different. It's a time in life when, IMO, clinging to one person as the love of your life is not necessarily the healthiest decision. You and she will be better off getting to know more/different people.

Finally, a similar thing happened when I graduated from college. My girlfriend (not the one from HS) and I went our separate ways since we didn't have a real agreement on where to go. At the time, we decided the best thing to do was stay in touch but we weren't willing to compromise. We're married now. After a couple years apart we realized how important we were to each other and found a way to make it work. So it can happen. I've seen both sides-- in both cases, I think it was the right decision. In retrospect, though I loved her and still count her as a friend, my high school girlfriend was a terrible match and we'd have been very unhappy together if we'd tried to force it. My wife and I learned a lot about our selves and each other in our time apart and are stronger now than we'd have been had we not given each other some breathing room and time to think.

But, ultimately, you've got to work it out with yourself and your girlfriend. Be as honest as you can with yourself and with her and figure out what you need to do. If you or she have any reservations, then my gut feeling is that you just need to let go and see what happens.

[Chief Broom]

You need to let her go literally and figuratively. You already know this but your aren't happy about it so you want to hang on to what you've got, but the fact is you can't. That isn't to say you shouldn't keep in touch with each other, but you both need to have the understanding that you'll be seeing other people and whatever happens happens. It's certainly possible that the two of you could wind up back together again in the future, but for right now you both should move on with your lives.

Be pragmatic about this. You've only been dating for 8 months and I'm quite sure she started dating you with the knowledge and understanding that she'd be leaving you to go to college. Truth be told she's probably looking forward to leaving and meeting new people. This doesn't mean she doesn't like you or value the relationship, but it is what it is. Every relationship you enter is a learning process and you both are learning about yourselves and what it is that you want out of a relationship and life. I know a lot of people who wound up back with someone they dated earlier in life, and the experiences they gained in between times made them better people and better able to nurture a good relationship.

None of this makes it any easier for you right now, when relationships end it's never easy, but figuring this out now is an intergral part of the learning process I mentioned. Being able to let go of something when it's appropriate and time to do so is something you'll face throughout your life. You can either become the creepy stalker type or someone cool who a girl might consider coming back to...

The choice is yours.

[motograter7]

I am 22. She's 18 its a rough difference but we?e just always been close. I know that letting her go is best, I just don't want her to be "the one that got away"... I know it sounds stupid but I hate this feeling. She is (so far) the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't want to lose it...

[jonnythan]

The odds are very low. Sorry to say it.

[Joejoe26]

Yeah, I agree with what the other people have said. You dont want to be or become that boyfriend, who is older, who constantly wont give his girlfriend at college "space". If you are going to stick with this, which I have a feeling you already made your decision before posting on here, that you continue to live your regular and dont get wrapped up on this. I know it's easier said than done but good luck with it.

[Cussin hacker]

You are a young man at 22 and her at 18 is real young. I'll cut to the chase and just say find a new GF. There's plenty of time for you in life to find the love of your life so take your time.

If she is truely the ONE she will be there after collage. Both of you need to live life more than you have so far.

[TMO]

My wife was 2 hours away. I drove to see her 3 or 4 times a week. It was a headache but worth it. Not to sound like Dr. Phil but considering your age I wouldn't worry too much about it. Put in the effort but if it isn't working out it isn't working out. There are plenty of fish in the sea if you know what I mean. You'll be ok.

[Beretta_Shooter]

+1 for PXC. Get the sticks out hit the golf course and deal with the misery now.

[whetstone]

Drop the relationship. If she wants to date casually when home, fine, but give yourselves the freedom to sow some oats, and make some mistakes.
Also, don't be "that guy". You know, the one who shows up at her school unannounced, calls/texts/emails constantly, etc.

[Shindig]

There's a reason the odds are against you: people at your age - and at hers - aren't ready to settle down and stick with one person. The rate of divorce among people who started dating their spouse at your age - regardless of age when married - is staggering. Whether either of you will admit it, both of you are going to be curious about various things - dating around, different people, finding out what else there is in life.

My suggestion: for a few years, date casually other girls, and maybe see her when she's back in town, but don't get overly involved with someone. There's so much more to life at your age. It wasn't until after my twenty-sixth birthday that I stopped saying that I was too young to have a girlfriend. It's too bad I didn't have that wisdom as a teenager.

[BigDave]

Break up now. If it was meant to be, you'll get back together after college.

Every girl I dated in college had a boyfriend back home.

Long distance relationships just don't work.

[bogeyhitter25]

No idea what to say. Good luck.

[Knockglock]

Sorry to hear it man :'(

If I can offer some practical advice. As hard as it is and as harsh as it sounds, try and get rid of her completely. Get rid of anything that reminds you of her, avoid places that you went together etc. The saying is truely correct, "Out of sight, out of mind." The first few days will be miserable and the worst, guaranteed. There's no way to avoid this. Try to avoid sitting around with nothing occupying your time, set yourself a goal and work to accomplish it, maybe to finally shave a few strokes off your handicap, or get out and meet new people.

Also, if you're having trouble sleeping, take some Benadryl or Tylenol PM or some other sleep aid, this will help you out a lot. Nothing worse than a thousand thoughts rolling in your head preventing you from sleeping and not leaving your head.

But I feel for you man, I really do. If you ever need anyone to talk to, don't hesitate to send me a PM.

Here's a bunch of quotes I looked up for you:
"A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the turn. ~Author Unknown"
"You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. ~Walt Disney"
"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson"
"We do survive every moment, after all, except the last one. ~John Updike"
"Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us. ~Voltaire"
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light. ~Steven Kloves, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (movie)"
"The gem cannot be polished without friction nor man without trials. ~Confucius"
"If all misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart. ~Socrates"
"It is foolish to tear one's hair in grief, as though sorrow would be made less by baldness. ~Cicero"
"But ne'er the rose without the thorn. ~Robert Herrick"

[Dub]

I hate sound cliche....but sometimes if it's meant to be......


For example....I'm 40 and my wife is 41. We dated when she was a senior in high school....I was a junior. I was crushed when she went away to college. We continued to date but eventually broke up and dated other people. Fraternatity and sorority life ensued.

Fast forward 5 years and we graduated from college and were engaged and did marry. It's been bliss every day since. She is truly awesome in every way. I feel like a lottery winner.

The time we spent dating others and seeing life on our own terms during college was valuable. We knew without doubt upon getting back together what we were about and where we wanted to arrive in life.

College can be an awakening in yourselves....you are tested in many ways and can find what you are all about.

Best advice I can give is to show here that you are mature and secure in her decision...as it truly is her's to make and that you will confidently persue your life and perhaps you guys will reunite in the future. Stay in touch every few months with a nice card or phone call....don't smother her. Enjoy your own freedoms, too.

A relationship can't work if only one person grows. Jeez I sound like Dr. Phil.

[pxc]

I am 22. She's 18 its a rough difference but we?e just always been close. I know that letting her go is best, I just don't want her to be "the one that got away"... I know it sounds stupid but I hate this feeling. She is (so far) the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't want to lose it...

Don't take this the wrong way, many people find themselves in your situation, but the stuff about how she's "the best thing that's ever happened to me" is just your naivete and emotion talking. At 8 months into the relationship you are head-over-heels for her. If you were somehow able to continue seeing her as you have been, you wouldn't feel the same way two years. The newness fades, it's just how life is. That's when other parts of the relationship need to grow. To relate it to marriage, the "honeymoon phase" ends and the "marriage phase" begins. That phrase might be out-of-date for many but I think you probably get the point.

So considering you're going to be 4 hours away, how are you going to develop that next phase in your relationship? Over the phone? Or are you going to drive 4 hrs. there and 4 hrs. back multiple times a week? Don't think for a second you won't start to resent that you're doing all the traveling, or that she won't start to resent being tied to someone so far away when there's so much fun right there in her building. Try to rationally think about this. What else in your life is going to suffer if you try to commit to an 8 hr. round trip to see your girlfriend several times a week? Think about your job, your friends and family, your hobbies, etc. What do you see as the best result of you guys staying together? Your brain knows what to do, but your heart doesn't want to accept it. I've been there, I know it's tough. Keep thinking about it. I think you'll eventually make the right choice. Your girlfriend is probably struggling with the same things.

[ChiChiIsMe]

UNI= University of Northern Illinois? in Dekalb? And you're in Chicago? The only way it takes 4 hours to get there is if you go to Davenport, IA first.

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