Golf Jokes Master Thread

[mnel]

Had to share this! (sorry it's a bit long-winded)
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At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.

"What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Callaway FT3 Fusion Driver."

SILENCE.............

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh!t!"

[Rafcin]

good one mnel

club championship match, 18th hole, Joe has a 10ft putt to win. Lines up, getting ready when noticing a funeral procession going by. He takes his hat off, stands still until they gone, puts his hat back on and drains the putt. His buddies congratulate him on his victory, but one of them asks "how in the world, having such a important putt, can you still be so respectful to the funeral, it could've destroy your routine and cost you the championship!"
Joe answers "I've been married to this woman for 21 years, that's at least I could've done"

[iacas]

good one mnel

I've got a golf joke: Rafi's putting stroke! Ha ha ha!

[Rafcin]

I've got a golf joke: Rafi's putting stroke! Ha ha ha!

I'm hurt Erik. There is a lot of wrong going on in my game, but I'd never think my putting stroke would be a target of this low-blow-unethical attack

Now you leave me no choice, but to put up some money bets during the Newport cup. You're going down !

[Rafcin]

wife : "honey, if I die before you - would you re-marry?"
husband: "stop talking nonsense, it's retarded!"
wife: "no, really, just hypothetical... would you re-marry?"
husband: "hm.. I guess I would"
wife: "would you live with her in OUR house too?"
husband: "this is a stupid conversation, but I guess you insist on answer - so yes, I would"
wife: "so.. you'd make love to her in OUR badroom?"
husband: "oh boy... yes, I guess I would".
wife: "so what's next, would you give her my golf clubs too????"
husband: "no, no way"
wife: "how come?"
husband: "she's left-handed"

[TinCup]

ROFL...the one with the dead bird was hilarious.

[muskegman]

I'm hurt Erik. There is a lot of wrong going on in my game, but I'd never think my putting stroke would be a target of this low-blow-unethical attack

Rafi, I remember your 50 foot circus putt on the front nine of one of the courses we played last Newport Cup. That was impressive. Oh, and the putt from off the green at Pine Needles was pretty good too. I was impressed.

[Rafcin]

Rafi, I remember your 50 foot circus putt on the front nine of one of the courses we played last Newport Cup. That was impressive. Oh, and the putt from off the green at Pine Needles was pretty good too. I was impressed.

circus? nah, 50 ft with about 15ft break and huge ridge half the way to the cup - that's just another day in the office (Tanglewood, hole 6

). About that putt from pine needles - I remember that too - this was the most amazing par I ever made - 20yds drive into a rough, 200yds 3W duck-hooked into trees left, bladed wedge over the green... and rutine 50+ putt off the needles, through the fringe, 5 ft break - into the hole. It's all the AGSI surface on my putter's head you know Thanks for the reminder, I certainly have fun reliving it !

[gripitandripit]

Joe was teeing off from the back tees. On his downswing, he noticed his wife, Mary, was teeing up her ball at the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed his tee shot, hit Mary right in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, he recieved a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy.
"Joe, your wife died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit her in the temple with a golf ball, correct?"
"Yes sir, thats correct" Joe replied.
"Well Joe, I found a large bruise on her left hip too. Do you know anything about that?"
"Yes sir", Joe replied. "That would have been my mulligan."

[neudi]

i knew where that was going when i saw the bruise on her hip part lol

[Rafcin]

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," said his partner, "you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

[Rafcin]

Guy's drive from the third tee sliced to the left of the fairway and the ball
ended in an impossible lie in front of the green keeper's tractor shed.
His wife summed up the situation. "No need to take a penalty shot darling,"
she said. "Just open the doors of the garage, push the tractor out, open
the rear doors, and with a number three wood you could hit straight through
the shed."
"Brilliant, darling," he said. He took a mighty whack but the ball hit the
rear of the building, cannoned back and struck his wife, stone dead....
Few years later, he was playing the same hole with his newly wed wife and by sheer coincidence landed at the same place in front of the shed.
"No need to take a penalty shot," said the woman, "we can push the tractor
out and open both sets of doors. You can hit straight through the shed."
"No way," he said. "Last time I tried that I ended up with a triple bogey !"

[TinCup]

HAHAHA

I'm noticing a pattern of golf jokes killing their wives.

[Maverick]

so far I'd sa the hitting everything fat joke is the funniest.

[neudi]

so far I'd sa the hitting everything fat joke is the funniest.

agree...but they are all good :)

[allin]

I didn't think anyone was going to share a joke where the wife lived. lol

[Rafcin]

I didn't think anyone was going to share a joke where the wife lived. lol

I've got one:

Two friends are playing golf. They're keep waiting on every tee for the group ahead of them to clear - a ladies twosome. Finally , at the 5th hole one of them decides to walk down to them and ask if they can play through. Half way down the fairway he makes a quick u-turn and comes back. He says to his buddy "man, I can't do it! It's my wife and my mistress ahead of us!" His buddy says "ok, in that case I'll ask them and we'll sneak by, they won't see you". He starts walking down the fairway... half the way he turns around and joggs back. He says to his friend "it's a small world, isn't"....

[neudi]

lol...that would suck being stuck behind a 2some the whole way through :)