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Golf Jokes Master Thread

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.
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A husband reluctantly agreed to play in a mixed alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 250 metres down the middle of the fa

Two best friends met to play a round at their country club. There were two women playing ahead of them and they had to wait few holes in a row before they could hit their shots. At the 4th tee one of

A funeral procession was driving by the golf course as a group was putting on the 18th green. Upon seeing the hearse, one of the players stopped and put his hat over his heart as the procession passed

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A man met the love of his life, who, happily enough, loved to play golf.

The problem? No matter what he shot, she bested him. When he shot an 85, she shot an 83. When he got an 80, she shot a 78.

However one afternoon the man was really on his "A" game, and on the 18th green, the wife had a 40 footer to beat the man by one stroke. She walked up to the ball, trembling and saying "Oh my God, if I sink this putt, I'll just die! I'll just die!"

The man looked at the ball, at the hole, and said; "That's a gimme."
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a cop gets a call to a house with a report of domestic abuse. he walks in and sees a woman with a 5 iron in her hand hovering over her bloody beaten and possibly dead husband. the cop says "ma'am, did you hit your husband with that golf club?" she replied, "yes" the cop asked "well, how many times? 3? 4? 5?" to which she replied "ehh. put me down for a 6"
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Not politically correct, but oh well....

2 gay guys live on a golf course. Their house is continually beaned by golf balls, so the one guy says to the next "Next time someone hits our house, we're going to run out there, you lie down on the ground and I'll put the ball next to your head, and we'll sue his ass off."

The next night at dinner, whack!!! one flies off their roof. The one gay guy says "Pete, let's go!" They run outside and Pete lies down, and they put the golf ball next to Pete's head. The golfer walks up and asks" Have you seen my ball?" The gay guy says "Look what you've done to Pete you SOB! We're going to sue your ass off!"

The golfer, somewhat taken aback, says "Ah, suck my c*%k", where the gay guys says, "Get up Pete, he wants to settle out of court!"
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A golfer steps up on the tee on the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass.
He takes a new ball out of his pocket,thinks for a minute then switches to an old ball.Suddenly a voice comes from the sky..............
"Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one."
The guy doesnt argue and tees up the new ball.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again:

"Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing."

The guy once again doesnt argue he swings.........
The voice says........... one more.
he did.A long silence followed ...

Then the voice says.............Use the old ball!
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One day a man and his wife went golfing, as they frequently did together. They arrived at the 12th hole where the husband promptly hit a tremendous slice that ended up behind an old barn.
"I guess I'll just have to play it safe and chip it onto the fairway," said the man.

"No wait," said his wife. "You can hit the ball through the barn."

The man decided to give it a try. But he sliced the ball, which ricocheted off the barn and struck his wife in the head, killing her instantly. The man was distraught and wallowed in his misery for many weeks, depriving himself of golf the whole time.

Eventually he relaized that he must face his demons and headed out to the very same golf course to play. Once again he found himself at the 12th hole and once again he hit a slice right behind the very same barn. As he was preparing to hit out safely to the fairway one of the other players in his foursome asked if he wanted to try and hit it through the barn.

"Oh no," replied the man, horrified. "I tried that last time."

"What happened?"

"I got triple bogey!"
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  • 2 weeks later...
A guy and his buddy are playing their regular Wednesday round when a funeral prcession dives by the hole they are on. The first guy takes off his hat and puts it over his heart with his head down. The second guys says "That was very nice of you." The first guy replies "It was the least I coud do. We were married for 30 years."

Rick and Steve are out golfing. Rick hits a huge hook into the woods. Steve hits a huge slice into the opposite woods. Rick finds his ball in a patch of beautiful buttercups. He takes a few practice swings and destroys a bunch of the flowers. He swings at his ball and chunks it. After two more swings he finally hits out. All of a sudden there is a big poof and a little old lady is standing there. She says "I am Mother Nature and it took me years to create that perfect patch of flowers. Because of your actions you will never have butter again. Not on you popcorn, your pancakes or anything esle." He is stunned then thinks of Steve. He yells accross the fairway to his buddy and asks if he found his ball. Steve replies "Yeah. It's in a patch of *****willows." Rick comes running and yells "For God sake, whatever you do don't swing."
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A nun got a chance to play St Andrews, and had a decent round. Upon returning to the convent, the mother superior asked her:

MS: "How was your golf outing, Sister Alice?"
SA: "I'm afraid I took the Lord's name in vein!"
MS: "Well, dear He forgives those who sin. What happened?"
SA: "Well, on a Par 5 I hit an amazing drive, probably 330y dead straight!"
MS: "That doesn't sound too bad..."
SA: "Just then, a squirrel came running out, grabbed my ball and started running away!"
MS: "Well, I suppose that could..."
SA: "Then a falcon swooped down, grabbing the squirrel in his talons!"
MS: "Oh, dear! That must've been upsetting..."
SA: "The lifeless squirrel dropped my ball on the green, a foot away from the cup!"

MS: "You missed the G***mn putt, didn't you?"
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The Cardinals from the Catholic Church and the Rabi's were getting set to play their annual tournament. For the 5 straight years, the Catholics lost badly. The Pope was none too happy and called a meeting of his top advisors.

Pope: We need a secret weapon this year. Who is the best Catholic golfer out there.

Cardinal: Jack Nicklaus is a good catholic.

Pope: Make him a Cardinal. We need him to play for us.

After the tournament Jack goes before the Pope and tells him how it went.

Jack: It was an honor to play for such a great purpose.

Pope: How did you do?

Jack: My drives were long and straight. My irons were true. I putted like never before in my life. I played one of the greatest rounds of my life.

Pope: That is great. So we won, where is the trophy.

Jack: Oh, we did not win. I lost by 5 shots to Rabi Tiger Woods.
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An 89 year old man went to his doctor for a yearly checkup. Afterwards, the doctor was listing everything that was going wrong with the old man's health.
The old man stopped the doctor and said "Doc, I't can't be all that bad. I have a 23 year old wife at home pregnant with our child."
The doctor told the old man, "Now I've got a story for you. I had another older patient in here the other day. He was an avid hunter in his earlier years. He decided he wanted to try hunting again and woke up early one morning. As he walked out the door, he reached into the closet and, in his confused mind, grabbed and umbrella instead of a gun. At the edge of the woods he sees a rabbit, takes aim with the umbrella and squeezes the handle. Well, he heard a loud bang and the rabbit fell over with a bullet in his head. What do you think happened?"

The old man scratched his head and said "Why surely someone else killed that rabbit."

The doctor patted the old man on the shoulder and said "There you go."

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  • 7 months later...
As a young man, Robert was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Robert, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Robert woke up and realizing it was a beautiful and sunny spring day, he decided he just had to play golf. So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Robert headed out of town to a golf course about fifty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not. "

Just then Father Robert hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 400 yard hole in one!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"
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