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Golf Jokes Master Thread

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Ok, I'm doing this from memory but it's my favorite golf joke.

I man dies and goes to heaven. As he is being given a tour in a trolley an angel is sitting next to him showing him the sites. Eventually they drive by a golf course and the man being an avid golfer is amazed; "wow I didn't know there was golf in heaven". The angels confirms that yes there are many golf courses as his boss loves the sport. They drive up a little further and the man sees Tiger Woods playing on the course. The man in utter amazement states "I didn't know that Tiger Woods had died!" The angel responds; "that's not Tiger Woods, that's God, he just thinks he's Tiger Woods."

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Jesus and Moses are playing a round. They get to a par 3, have to hit over a lake, 200 yards to the green. Jesus smacks a five wood ten feet from the pin. Moses pulls out a one iron.

Jesus says, "No way you fly the water with that." Moses replies, "Tiger Woods does it all the time - I can do it." "Suit yourself," says Jesus. Moses drives the ball right into the middle of the lake. Furious, he storms to the edge of the lake, spreads his arms and the water parts. He retireves his ball, returns to the tee box and prepares to hit it again.

Jesus says, "Mo, you can't hit the one iron that far." Moses is undeterred. "Tiger can do it - I can do it." Same thing happens - ball plunks into the lake a good 75 yards short of the green. Seething, Moses stomps to the lake and spreads his arms again. Once again, the water parts and Moses retrieves his ball and goes back to the tee box and tees up again, gonna hit the one iron if it kills him.

Again, Jesus counsels, "Mo, my son, you can't get the ball to the green with a one iron." "Hell, yes I can," shouts Moses, "If Tiger can do it, I can do it!" Once again, however, the shot lands in the middle of the lake. Ranting and raving, Moses runs to the lake and spreads his arms and once again the waters part. At that instant, the foursome behind Jesus and Moses cathes up and they watch in disbelief as Moses parts the waters.

"Jesus!" one of them exclaims. "Who does that guy think he is, Moses?" Jesus replies, "No, he is Moses. He thinks he's Tiger Woods."

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didn't read entire thread, sorry if these have been posted.

Golfing In The Woods

Q: These days, what do you need to shoot to win a professional golf tournament?

A: Tiger Woods
-------------


A New Set Of Golf Clubs

Man #1 "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!"

Man #2 "Great trade!"

-----------------
Q: What golfing foursome do you never want to be behind?

A: Monica Lewinsky because she's a hooker; O.J. Simpson, since he's a slicer; Ted Kennedy -- he can't drive over water; and Bill Clinton, because he'll go for any hole.

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wife : "honey, if I die before you - would you re-marry?"

thats a good one, kind of a twist at the end there

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funny, had to share:

A female golfer suffers a terrible bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.
"What happened?" asked the doctor.
"I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer.
The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"

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not a golf joke but i thought it was funny...

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well . . . I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch, and margaritas into urine.

And I'm pretty darn good at it, too!!

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In October of 2009, Jonathan Papelbon was taking an earlier than expected vacation in Kiawah Island, SC. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to the Cassique Golf Club, a nearby private golf course.
He arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?"
Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, its 16," said Papelbon.
"But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?" he asked.
"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "His handicap is 16."
Papelbon was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap.
The caddy picked up Jonathan's golf bag and a large rifle.
Again, Papelbon was surprised but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, Jonathan duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake, the most poisonous snake in Kiawah Island. You're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.
Of course, Papelbon's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more, and a large bobcat fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. Jonathan's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg.
As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you kill it?" asked Papelbon incredulously. "I'm sorry sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here!"

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In October of 2009, Jonathan Papelbon was taking an earlier than expected vacation in Kiawah Island, SC. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to the Cassique Golf Club, a nearby private golf course.

.. Author...Author

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