Golf Jokes Master Thread

[WWBDD]

Originally Posted by Domenic

okay so a prostitute, a rabbi, and Tiger Woods walk into a bar.

... and the bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

---

The difference between a g-spot and a golf ball is a guy will spend 5 minutes looking for a golf ball.

[Domenic]

hey that's a good one

[bunkerputt]

Originally Posted by Domenic

okay so a prostitute, a rabbi, and Tiger Woods walk into a bar. Well actually, they don't walk, they're just kind of....there. ANYWAYS, so a priest, a *****, and Rory, wait......damnit I always forget this joke.

Anyone get the Finding Nemo reference when the dad is telling a joke but "for a clown fish, he's not that funny"

"People often ask me, well, you must've been the class clown."  I say, "No.  I wasn't.  But I sat next to the class clown.  And I studied him." --Domenic

Anyone catch that reference?

[bunkerputt]

This thread should be renamed "The Three Golf Jokes Master Thread".

A couple of buddies were out playing a round of golf, when they approach a short par-3.  The first one tees up his ball and hits it into the hole on the fly.  He gasps and falls to the ground motionless.  The second one nudges him but he doesn't move.  He pulls out his phone and dials 911.

Operator: "911"

Man: "Help.  My buddy is dead."

Operator: "Ok.  Let's just make sure."

Man: "Ok"

Operator: "I've got a procedure here I want you to..."  The operator stops suddenly because she hears a horrible thumping sound on the other end.

The man returns, out of breath.

Man: "Alright.  Now what"

............... ...............

[Domenic]

Originally Posted by bunkerputt

"People often ask me, well, you must've been the class clown."  I say, "No.  I wasn't.  But I sat next to the class clown.  And I studied him." --Domenic

Anyone catch that reference?

that was literally putting words in my mouth . anyways what reference was it

[bunkerputt]

Originally Posted by Domenic

that was literally putting words in my mouth. anyways what reference was it

From this movie in a monologue by Alan Pearl the dentist played by Eugene Levy:

[slash5969]

On their honeymoon night, Lisa tells her husband that she has a secret to tell him.

"I'm sorry I never told you before, but I used to date Tiger Woods."

"Well honey, that's okay. It was before we met, and I love you!"

They proceed to consumate the marriage, and afterwards the husband reaches for the phone.

"What are you doing?" Lisa asks.

"Calling room service. I'm starving!"

"That's not what Tiger would do..."

"What would Tiger do?"

"Tiger would come over here and make love to me again."

"Well, alright! If Tiger would, then so will I!"

They make love again, this time it's more prolonged for him. Afterwards, he reaches over for the phone.

"What are you doing?" Lisa asks.

"Calling room service. I'm famished!"

"That's not what Tiger would do..."

"What would Tiger do?"

"Tiger would come over here and make love to me again."

Not to be outdone, he makes love to her yet again, this time laboring to finish. Finally spent, he reaches over for the phone.

"Are you calling room service?" Lisa asks.

"Hell no" he says. "I'm calling Tiger! I wanna know what par is for this hole!"

[WWBDD]

I heard Steve Williams is going to caddy for Tiger again ... he wants weekends off.

[Ernest Jones]

A guy shows up at his local course as a single. As he’s warming up a woman approaches him on the first tee and asks if he’d like to play together. The guys says, “sure’

They tee off and play 18. The woman soundly beats him to the tune of 9 strokes.

She looks at him and says, “I hope it doesn’t bother you too much being beat by a women.”

He replies, “no of course not.”

She can tell that he is a least a little bothered, wounded pride and all so she offers to give him a blowjob in the bushes as consolation. He, of course, accepts!

The following week they run into each other again as singles and play a round together. This time she beats him by 8 strokes, solidly outdriving him on every hole. And once again she gives him a blowjob in the bushes as consolation.

This goes on all summer long and he never manages to beat her, his best day she still beats him by 4 strokes.

Towards the end of the season the guy says, “listen, we’ve had some great times golfing together and you give fantastic blowjobs! What do you say we go for dinner tonight?”

The woman pauses and takes a long time answering. Finally she says, “well, if we’re going to take this any further there is something I have to tell you. I’m a transvestite, that’s probably why I give such great blowjobs.”

The guy gets all red in the face trying to control his anger. Finally he burst out, “you mother ****er! You’ve been teeing off from the ladies tees all summer!”

[KiawahConnor]

3 guys are at their club taking lessons with a Pro and they're standing on the first tee starting their round.

First guy steps up and shanks it wide right. He looks at the Pro and the Pro says, "its definitely LOFT"

Second guy steps up and hooks it left out of bounds. Looks at the Pro and the Pro says, "LOFT, For sure"

Finally the third guy steps up and hits a low burner that barely makes it to the ladies tee, and all three guys look at the pro and say, "let me guess...LOFT again?"

Pro says "Yep. Definitely LOFT"

The guys ask the pro if he actually knows what LOFT is, and the Pro says:

"OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT LOFT IS!"

LACK OF F@#*&^G TALENT!!!!

[msst8dawgs]

Let's hear them.

"Bad day at the course," a guy tells his wife. "Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole."

"That's terrible!" she says.

"You're telling me. All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie."

[Shorty]

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in a mixed alternate shot tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 250 metres down the middle of the fairway.  Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."  The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.

Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent almost the maximum five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position.  He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole.  He told his wife to knock the ball in.  His wife then proceeded to putt the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure the husband summoned all of his skill and miraculously holed the shot from the bunker.  He took the ball out of the hole and while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole".

To which she replied, "Listen dickhead, don't blame me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine.

[HazardMagnet]

That's funny!

We'll be playing in my favorite Tourn. in a few weeks, and my GF will be the only female in our foresome. That one will be told, Thanks...

[boogielicious]

Funny!  I will relay this joke to my wife and friend.  Not sure if they will find it as funny as I did.  It reminds me of a paperback book I got my son a couple of years back, Jokes Women Won't Laugh At .  Full of very funny Blonde-style jokes.  My wife laughs at some of them.

[dak4n6]

Wha happened to Shorty's original joke? I had to go and dig this one up from an email my buddy sent me a while back:

Bill and Nick, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and "play it as it lays" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. They drive up for the second shot, and the Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. But Nick slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole.

"Guess I get a free drop from the cart path," he says. "Oh no," says Bill, "We agreed. Play it as it lays." So Nick drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin. Nick drives back to the green.

Bill says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use" Nick responds, "Your five iron."

[dak4n6]

Bill and Nick, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and "play it as it lays" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 No.1 hole down the middle and about 260. They drive up for the second shot, and the Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. But Nick slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole.

"Guess I get a free drop from the cart path," he says. "Oh no," says Bill, "We agreed. Play it as it lays." So Nick drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and roles to within 3 ft. of the pin. Nick drives back to the green.

Bill says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use" Nick responds, "Your five iron."

[boogielicious]

It got moved to the 19th Hole section.  This one is excellent too!

[Golfingdad]

Got this from my mom this morning.  (If it's already in here somewhere I apologize for the re-post:)

Dear Diary

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.  Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt..........who the heck misses a two-foot putt ?