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Golf Jokes Master Thread

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not really a joke, more of a prank.

what you do is call to set up a tee time or put your name in and say your name is tiger woods or some other professional golfer or famous person. I did that once and the starter agreed to say "Tiger Woods foursome on the tee". You should have seen all the golfers walking and looking over at the first tee, and then me and my hacker buddies walked up and teed off. it was pretty funny, we made our own gallery at a cheap local muni!

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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and
says,

“How’s the singing career going?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I
think I’ve got that going right now.”

Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to
stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right.”

Tiger says, “You play golf?”

Wonder says, “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

Woods says, “But you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”

Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to
the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward
his voice.”

“But how do you putt?” asks Woods.

“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball
toward his voice.”

Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round
sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”

Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, when would you
like to play?”

Stevie says, “Pick a night.”

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right on. thats one of my faves too... my other i guess i shouldn't put on here either. its about a sniper...

"I can hit both with one shot." That sniper?

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i have a odd feeling if i post mine, i will get negative rep. if you want it, send a PM. Its no that good, however......

It isn't the whole joke; the full joke isn't appropriate for this board and I shouldn't have mentioned it in the first place. I'll PM it to you.

I want PM's on all the ones not shared... or just post them!

here's mine Guy walks into the confession booth in church and tells the priest he has done something bad... The priest asks what... Guy: "I swore on the golf course the other day" priest: "tell me what happened" Guy: "well I hit this perfect tee shot on a long par 5... right down the middle... then a squirel picked up my ball and ran into a bunker" priest: "well I see how that could make you upset and maybe even cause you to swear" Guy: "nope, that's not when I swore... a hawk swooped down and grabbed the squirel out of the bunker, and he still had my ball" priest: "Wow, that's pretty wild... I can understand a little slip of the tounge after that" Guy: "well I wasn't finished... the hawk flew down the fairway and while in the air the squirel must have struggled to get free and dropped my ball 3 feet from the hole on the long par 5." priest: "you missed the F_CKING putt didn't you!"

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I want PM's on all the ones not shared... or just post them!!"

Me too!

here's mine

This is a correction of post #21 in this thread, had the nun blasphemed she would have said G*D DA**IT, not F**K

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Me too!

yeah... I posted while in class and hadn't read through all of them yet... guess that one has been cycled around a bit and has a few forms.

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It isn't golf related but I have a Black Lab and this is a great joke. Hope everyone enjoys.


THREE LABRADOR DOGS

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up a conversation

The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says , 'So why are you here?'

The brown Lab replies, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

The black Lab says , 'So what is the vet going to do?'

'Gonna cut my nuts off,' comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down.'

The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks , Why are you here?'

The yellow Lab says , 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.

But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch.'

'So what a re they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquires .

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab says

The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks ,'Why are you here?'

'I'm a humper,' the black Lab says. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.

Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away'

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and say, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'

The black Lab says ....'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.

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AHAHA!!! Great joke, never heard that one before!! Great.

Take a look in the joke thread somewhere and post it.

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haha that was good man i guess the black lab owner is a "Dog Lover" lol

I bet her husband was pissed when he had to sleep in the dog house......lmao

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