Relationship with your son

[iacas]

teenage brain not fully developed

He's trying to make fun of you by pointing out that you made a typo or said something grammatically incorrect ("I am think undeveloped part of his brain"). He's failing and kind of comes off as a jerk in the process, but that's what he was trying to do.

[sean_miller]

He's trying to make fun of you by pointing out that you made a typo or said something grammatically incorrect ("I am think undeveloped part of his brain"). He's failing and kind of comes off as a jerk in the process, but that's what he was trying to do.

I always assume otherwise intelligent people who make frequent spelling and grammatical errors are not posting in their mother tongue. And people who post runon sentences (guilty) aren't sure where the commas should go.

[jdjanda]

Great thread, my son just entered middle school this year. I remember how tough it was for me so I am giving him kudos and praise as to how well he has made the transition. My wife is struggling a bit as he is transitioning from boy to young man including an interest in girls and more of an interest in learning to be a man. We (wife and I) struggle with not riding his butt for little things.

He is my main golf partner, he does chores around the house to earn his green fees. Over the summer he ran a lawn business and earned good money.

I have another son 9 that has no interest in golf at this time, I spend time with him doing what he enjoys which includes video games, army men, watching Star Wars, soccer and basketball. And trips to Sonic for lunch, his favorite place.

It is important to me that I spend quality time with both doing what they/we enjoy. I remind myself how I used to think that my parents did not understand or know s**t to keep it all in prospective.

[senorchipotle]

Great thread, my son just entered middle school this year. I remember how tough it was for me so I am giving him kudos and praise as to how well he has made the transition. My wife is struggling a bit as he is transitioning from boy to young man including an interest in girls and more of an interest in learning to be a man. We (wife and I) struggle with not riding his butt for little things.

why not teach him how to cook? some of my fondest memories as a kid were in the kitchen with my grandmothers and my mom. too few americans, imho, rely on someone else to prepare their food. i'm as guilty as any considering i work late, but when i have the time i always try to cook up something healthy. i noticed while living in europe that hardly anybody ever eats fast food as dinner. lunch, yeah, and sometimes as a mid-afternoon snack. one night i came back to my apt. with mickey d's and my roomie looked at me like i was crazy. she had made a really good meal for us and was a little offended. apparently there's an unspoken rule in france where roomies alternate cooking meals. who knew?

[jdjanda]

He can cook very well, last weekend he made pancakes from mix and with fresh strawberries, he can handle the BBQ and he can iron his own clothes. He'll soon learn how to do laundry as well.

why not teach him how to cook? some of my fondest memories as a kid were in the kitchen with my grandmothers and my mom. too few americans, imho, rely on someone else to prepare their food. i'm as guilty as any considering i work late, but when i have the time i always try to cook up something healthy. i noticed while living in europe that hardly anybody ever eats fast food as dinner. lunch, yeah, and sometimes as a mid-afternoon snack. one night i came back to my apt. with mickey d's and my roomie looked at me like i was crazy. she had made a really good meal for us and was a little offended. apparently there's an unspoken rule in france where roomies alternate cooking meals. who knew?

[danieldrieberg]

I always assume otherwise intelligent people who make frequent spelling and grammatical errors are not posting in their mother tongue. And people who post runon sentences (guilty) aren't sure where the commas should go.

Woe to the person whose imagination is so small he is doomed to spell the same word the same way. Theodore Rooseveldt. One of my fav quotes.

BTW a great thread. I have so much fun with my son whether its on the golf course, discussing theoritical philosophy, or simply watching a show/game etc. As others mentioned its all about respect.

[Danny Noonan]

I had a terribly shitty relationship with my dad. I won't call him a father. It takes a lot to be a father. My dad wasn't a father. Ever. Any turd can be a dad. And my dad was just a dad, nothing more.

When you have an interaction with your kid, ask yourself, "Was I just being a dick?"

When you ask yourself that question, be honest with yourself. Was the stance you took really necessary? What were you trying to accomplish in taking the stance you took?

Anyway, if the answer to the question is a "yes," then clearly, you are doing something wrong.

If you don't know what its like to really not have a dad, or have had a dad that was a total prick, you are really lucky. If however, you had such a situation at home, think to yourself: do you really want to repeat that nonsense? Do you really want to be that hated?

[Koth]

Good for you for trying to fix the relationship while your son is still young. My father was always a very negative person, and due to that and numerous other reasons, I haven't spoken to him since I was 16. He is basically not in my life. He never wanted to change, and it cost him pretty much his whole family - my sister is the only one that still communicates with him.

Make the changes while you still can so you don't end up dying alone like my poor bastard of a father.


@Danny: I agree with your first paragraph, but I've always thought of the terms as being reversed. i.e. anyone can be a father, but it takes someone to be a dad.

[Danny Noonan]

@Danny: I agree with your first paragraph, but I've always thought of the terms as being reversed. i.e. anyone can be a father, but it takes someone to be a dad.

Well, a few guys I know who have awesome relationships with their fathers refer to their father as their father, rather than their dad. I don't think they call him "father" to his face, and instead call him dad. But if they are speaking to me, they say "I just went on an awesome fishing trip with my father." Sounds somewhat formal but also fitting, as they have a great father/son relationship.

You never hear "they have a great dad/son relationship." Also, "fathering" or "to father" is using the word as a verb, and while the word has many meanings, I always thought of it as actually putting forth an effort in being a father. A positive effort. That is how I've always viewed the word. "Dad" cannot be used as a verb. Since my dad didn't do much of a damn thing to be a father, it just fit. Anyway, I can see it your way, too. Its definitely a gray area.

[mdbuschsr]

Well, a few guys I know who have awesome relationships with their fathers refer to their father as their father, rather than their dad. I don't think they call him "father" to his face, and instead call him dad. But if they are speaking to me, they say "I just went on an awesome fishing trip with my father." Sounds somewhat formal but also fitting, as they have a great father/son relationship.

This is really a case of semantics. I refer to my biological father as my father and to my step-dad as my dad. I agree with the usage referred to by Koth.

In the end what we, and the OP, are talking about is manning up! Barring medical issues, any adult male can produce offspring. Parenting a child requires more patience than I ever thought I had. And if you really want to impress your child admit to them when you are wrong. Make the time to spend time with your kids. They did not ask to be brought into this world. It is our responsibility to do our very best as parents, recognize when we are screwing it up, and make the changes necessary! Sorry, that's a mess of a paragraph! I was raised by my step-dad starting around age 8, because my biological father was/is a pretty useless alcoholic! My wife and I got our son as a foster at age 5, and adopted at age 8. His parents were equally useless! He is 10 now, and I think we have learned as much about being parents from him, as he has learned about being a child from us. In our situation, Matthew (Dennis at the time) required some pretty heavy discipline in the first three years he was with us, because he had never received any real parenting in the intial years of life. Times change, now I find that I need to curtail the discipline, show love, and understanding even when my first instinct is discipline. IMO kids need to know there are limitations, but they need to be loved more than anything else! Granted my situation is a little different in going from zero kids to having a 5-yo. But to me it just meant the learning curve was vertical, rather than the slight incline birth parents get to enjoy. I could ramble on and on about this subject for many pages. It's hard for me to organize my thoughts here because they are so vast. In the end, learn from your mistakes like you expect your child to. MAN UP and be the parent your child deserves! Based on the OP, he is making the changes necessary to develop a relationship with his kid. I applaud him for realizing his errors and making changes. He and his child will benefit from it for the rest of their lives!

[BostonSully]

I would recommend that if you have a 15yo son now is the time to become engaged with them. Around the time I was 15 I was hanging out with a very bad group of kids. They were bad like robbing people with a knife and sh!t. However, like your son is with basketball I was extremely busy with hockey. I competed in many leagues and was in the Hockey Night in Boston tournament which at its time was pretty good. My father who coldnt really skate started playing in one or two mens leagues without telling any of us so that he would get up to speed. Then one day he asked me if I would want to go play in his league with him.

I obliged and for the next 4 years I played 1-2x a week in Men's leagues with my father and his friends, which is coincidentally how I got invited to a golf scramble with them which is how I got into golf and why I am here. Anyways, that was a great bonding experience and we really became great friends through that. Id suggest that if your son is into basketball that you see if there are any mens leagues at teh church you can maybe join. Then after a little while see if it would be okay for your son to play with you guys and see where it goes from there.

[adamgoodman]

Nice to see you're taking positive steps.

I just wish you could teach my father a thing or two.
Funny thing is that he is the one who introduced me to golf in the first place, and now I can barely stand to accompany him on the course. Lots of anger, swearing, and accusing me of being a lousy playing partner whenever he's playing poorly. Seems like the fact that he hates his cubicle life turns into obscene amounts of hostility towards everything. Honestly he seems like an over-sized 10-year-old sometimes. It's a shame my teen years will have memories like this, but I think he has to make a conscious decision just like you have or else he's going to go into old age very lonely.

[nhwoj]

Trust me, as a fifteen year old there's nothing more annoying than overbearing parents. What you're doing sounds like a great way to build a relationship with your son (you probably could give my dad a few tips). We as kids feel so much less pressure and stress when our parents aren't yelling and nagging. I think some parents think yelling and arguing is the only way to ingrain good behavior into their kids, but in my experiences it can be one of the worst. Calm talks can do just as much good in a much less stressful manner, and when we're not stressed, we're happy, and much more apt to have conversations and spent time together. Sounds like what you're doing is great, keep up the good work, dad.

[The Road Dog]

I am really late to this thread but as the recipient of a corporate education in personal relations I'd like to point to the best book I know on how to recognize self deception and effectively deal with it. It's only 168 pages long but if you are having problems dealing with loved ones or coworkers it can help you realize what you can do to fix the problems.

The book is titled "Leadership and Self Deception" by the Arbinger Institute. Look it up online or get a copy at your local bookstore. I promise it is not a textbook but a good read and well worth the effort. It doesn't matter also whether you are the boss/father or employee/child it will give you insights, and help you stay out of the "box".

[sean_miller]

When I read the title to this thread I can hear the voice of Bill Lumbergh.

"mmm . . . yeah, I'm gonna have to go ahead and ask you to please not have a relationship with my son."

[BostonSully]

When I read the title to this thread I can hear the voice of Bill Lumbergh.

omg why could I picture that voice perfectly. I haven't even seen office space in like 6 years hahaha

[Stretch]

When I read the title to this thread I can hear the voice of Bill Lumbergh.

[ks8829]

My son is starting to ask me questions while he is in the car with me. He never would even talk with me, so I see the small changes in our relationship.

During the week, we had a small disagreement, he was finished with his homework and wanted to play a video game on a school night, and I did not allow him to play. He stood arguing with me for 15 minutes but I did not back down and did not allow it.

Friday night while he was playing his video games, I sat down and was watching him play and he was explaining different aspects of the game. small victories in my mind with the change of my attitude towards him, as some one said before its all about showing respect for each other.