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Golf Jokes Master Thread

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A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

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A young man and a priest are playing together.
At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?”

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. “How about you?"

The priest says, "I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don’t know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

----------- ------- ------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?" Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times... .. just put me down for a five."

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A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening betweentwo trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here"?

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

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A father, son and grandfather went to the country club for their weekly round of golf.

Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away, and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, and consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to hit first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent over to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the pin.

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even a soft seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt."

She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she hit first on the second hole, knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course...

... If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner, and then show him a very good time for the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will g et over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb, "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up, handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"



Just thought I would pass on a good joke.

Happy Holidays....Hope everyone has a gimmie!!!!!

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Did you hear about the man who told his wife why is was late comming home after golf.........

He told his wife after playing 18 holes he met this beautiful girl at the parking lot and they went back to her house and made passionate love and that's the reason he's late comming home.............. and his wife answered, don't lie to me I know you played another round of golf.

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