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Golf Jokes Master Thread

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A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it
was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging
over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about
100 yards."
Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began
to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it
flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the damn putt,
didn't you?

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The Wrath of Mother Nature......

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
Then POOF!......she was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pu**ywillows .." Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON"T SWING"

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Jesus, Saint Peter and an old man go golfing. The first hole is a 380 yard Par 4 dogleg left. Peter goes first. He hits a nice Driver over the trees on the left center of the fairway about 50 yards from the pin. Jesus says, "Nice shot Pete but watch this!!" Jesus hits his driver starting dead center of the fairway with a strong draw landing just in front of the green and rolling on just 12 feet from the hole. Peter says, "Man Jesus...That was a great shot. Unbelieveable control." The old man is next. He hits a worm-burner toward the right side of the fairway and into a tree bouncing up in the air knocking a bird off its perch on a tree limb and careems into small lake on the right side of the fairway. Suddenly a catfish splashes in the water, knocking the old mans golf ball back onto dry land. A squirrel seeing what looks like food scrambles for the ball pushing it with his nose, then realizing it wasn't food swat is with his tail pushing the ball down an embankment toward the fairway. An eagle flying by thinks it is an egg, picks it up and begins to fly, then drops it. It falls to within 4 inches of the hole. Suddenly a gust of wind blows the ball into the cup for a hole in one. Jesus shakes his head and says, "Nice shot Dad."

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Not sure if this has been posted...

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid replies, "One".
The boss asks, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid responded, "$101,237.65".
The boss exclaims, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss asks incredulously, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

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Not sure if this has been posted......

nah, it wasn't... at least not in "

GOLF joke" forum it's a good one though, you're forgiven

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A young fellow from a poor family would often take a bus to the nearest golf course and after the course was closed, would walk through all the roughs, sand traps, and water traps to find as many lost golf balls as he could, then sell them at his yard sale to raise money for his family. One day, both of his front pockets were jammed with golf balls from his trip to the golf course as he rode the bus home. He sat in the front seat,and seated in the front seat across from him, sat a woman with two bags of groceries in her arms. She kept staring at the large bulges in his front pockets, which made him increasingly uncomfortable. Finally , their eyes met, and he smiled at her as he pointed to the bulges in his pants, and said, "golf balls." She returned his smile and nodded, then asked him, " Is that anything like tennis elbow?"

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If this has already been put in here I apologize....

Two buddies went for a day of golf. One of them suggested that they play the ball from where it lies, even if the rules allow a drop or relief. The other agrees and off they go. It's a close match and finally one puts his ball on the cement cart path. He reaches down to pick it up and take relief and the other says "no way. We agreed to play the ball where it lies". The other argued that this would ruin his club but the his buddy was firm. Finally the golfer goes to the cart, grabs a club and takes a couple practice swings sending sparks flying and obviously severly damaging to the club. He finally lines up his shot and takes the swing creating more sparks. The ball lands on the green three feet from the cup. The partner says "great shot, what club did you use?" and his partner says "your five iron"...........

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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!


Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

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A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."

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Here is the Table of Contents from my new book: "Winning Golf Strategies,"

which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips

and insider information that I have gained through my own years

of experience in the game and observations of golfing partners.

Table of Contents:

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to Urinate Behind a 4" x 4" Post Un detected.

Chapter 10 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 12 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th.

Chapter 13 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

Chapter 14 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee

Chapter 15 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 16 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

Chapter 17 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter 18 - Use a Strong Grip on the Hand Wedge and a Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.

Chapter 19 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 A Beer from a hot Cart Girl and Give Her A $3 Tip, but Will Balk At $3.50 at the 19th Hole And then Stiff the Bartender . . . . . . .

Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy.

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Two friends play a round of "invisible golf".

The first guy swings and the second friend asks him "where is your ball?"
"320 yards away, right down in the middle of the fairway", the first guy answers
The second guy hits his shot and the first guy asks him "where is your ball?"
"right next to you ball", the second guy answers.
The first guy swings, the second friend asks him "where did you ball end up?"
"right next to the hole, for a birdie chance!"
The second guy swings and according to him his ball gets close to pin, too
They both putt and makes birdies
This repeats on every hole, until they get to the 18th hole.

The first guy swings and the second friend asks him "where is your ball?"
"320 yards away, right down in the middle of the fairway", the first guy answers
The second guy hits his shot and the first guy asks him "where is your ball?"
"right next to you ball", the second guy answers.
The first guy swings, the second friend asks him "where did you ball end up?"
"right into the hole! that's an eagle!"
The second guy looks at him and smiling says: "too bad you hit my ball..."

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A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything." I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does, in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"
"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But, if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."
"I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose."
"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"
Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once...sometimes twice a week."
"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Nation of Israel for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ehud Barak, the leader of Israel, sent back a message to the College of Cardinals. The proposal was for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholic and Jewish faiths. The Pope met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Barak wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete I am afraid that this would tarnish our image to the world."

The Pope thought about this and as he had never held a golf club in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr.Barak as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

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In my hand I hold a ball.... white and dimpled, rather small....

Oh , how bland it does appear.... this harmless looking little sphere....
By its size I could not guess.... the awesome strength it does possess....

But since I fell beneath its spell.... I've wandered through the fires of hell....

My life has not been quite the same.... Since I chose to play this stupid game....

It rules my mind for hours on end... A fortune it has made me spend...

It has made me swear and yell and cry.... I hate myself and want to die....
It promises a thing called par....
If I can hit straight and far....

To master such a tiny ball.... should not be very hard at all ...

But my desires the ball refuses.... and does exactly like it chooses....

It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies.... and even disappears before my eyes....

Often it will take a whim.... to hit a tree or take a swim...

With miles of grass on which to land.... it finds a tiny patch of sand....

Then has me offering up my soul.... if only it would find the hole....

It's made me whimper like a pup.... and swear that I will give it up....

And take a drink to ease my sorrow.... but the ball knows.....
I'll be back tomorrow!!!!

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