Qualified for a tournament. Bad father? Wife guilt trip

[2bGood]

1. If you go this way, you telling your wife that you don't really think this is all that important. First day of Pre-School vs First day of Real School in her eyes is like breaking 80 and a par 3 course vs breaking 80 at bethpage black. If I were you I wouldn't try to argue how important the day actually is. To her it is a big deal. enough said

Sorry a better anology would be prescool is like playing in a qualifying tournemtn and Kindergarten is like playing the finals. The same from an objective point of view, but very different from a personal view.

[Fat Slice]

She complains, you do what you want, she gets over it.

Sounds like the perfect marriage!

I give all the future dates of tournament rounds to my wife well ahead of time - save me grousing time.

[he4dhuntr]

Looks to be some really good arguments for both sides on this issue. In the end, only you know what's right. It'll come down to what kind of people you both are and what dinamic you have, as well as how you think your kids will take it and how important "daddy" is to them on that day. I agree with a lot of the arguments being put forth as to why you should skip on the golf, but I can also see your point of view. It's your decision in the end, but I guess relationships (be it marriage, gf/bf, kids, friends, etc) always come with the need to make some sacrifices. Which will yours be?

I really like 2bGood's post at the top of this page.

Good luck!

[$2 Nassau]

Pull your kid out of school, problem solved.

[bplewis24]

My random thoughts after reading this thread:

Do what you feel in your heart is right, and hopefully that includes golfing AND somehow being a part of getting your daughter ready for school, even if you can't spend an extra 30 minutes dropping her off.

Do not allow your frame of mind to turn this into an "I'm right and she's wrong, so I'm going to stand firm and argue with her and fight her on what she wants" type of attitude. Work with her to understand that you canceling your golf qualifier would be unreasonable and unnecessary but that you'll do other things to make up for it. Can you pick your daughter up from school that day? Why is dropping the kid off more memorable than picking her up anyway? This entire moral argument is totally subjective and essentially manufactured.

The moral grandstanding in this thread is a bit comical.

Again, don't let this turn into a fight. The last thing you want is for your wife to at some point say to your daughter "your father can't be here honey, golf is more important to him ." It's vindictive and only you know if she's capable of doing something like that, but for the most part you being there on the first day of school will have no impact on the kid, but if your wife plays it up emotionally then that will. Don't let it get that far.

Lastly, enjoy your round of golf. If you fight and fight to have your round of golf, there's a chance you'll feel guilty on some level and if you play bad you may resent the whole family issue for it. Gotta be at peace out there on the course, my friend.

Brandon

[Paradox]

God bless, I guess I may have been the only kid who's parents had to work early in the mornings. I don't get why some people think that parents aren't allowed to do things for themselves in a healthy way just because they have kids. Thats what leads to so much animosity and tension down the road, anyway. I guarantee that a 4 year old kid can be so upset with you that one might think the world were ending and as soon as you give them some ice cream or a toy or take them somewhere they enjoy..they'll love you like there is no other dad in the world. They don't hold grudges and they don't think every little thing is important.

I say that if you show your kids you love them 365 days a year, then go play..sometimes schedules don't mesh and I'm SURE you've made some sacrifices with your life on account of the kids AND the marriage. One day isn't the end of the world.

[Paradox]

My random thoughts after reading this thread:

I can only speak for myself but I know that if my parents were ever around to pamper me before school..it was hard to go..but if they were there to pick me up, I was terribly excited to show them my crayon drawing with the macaroni hair and the finger turkey we drew in class that day and tell them all about my "friend" susie and how we played tag at recess and that I didn't like the hot dogs at lunch and....you get the idea.

[chriskzoo]

Ah, the pick her up from school on the first day is a good angle, and one I planned on (assuiming the tournament is over then, LOL), but yeah, the grandstanding in this thread amazes me. I will be there for every dance recital, baseball game, etc. but sorry, the first day of kindergarten is not the same. She has been going to pre-school for the past 2 years - to her nothing is changing other than the school she goes to and Dad will still be picking her up when he can.

Just like my golf league - I love it, but I know that if my kids have games on the same night I am supposed to have league, the league will be sacrificed without question. This isn't a "my kid will always remember I wasn't there on the first day of Kindergarten thread" this is a "my wife is trying to tell me that golf should be as unimportant to me as it is to her" thread.

[bplewis24]

God bless, I guess I may have been the only kid who's parents had to work early in the mornings. I don't get why some people think that parents aren't allowed to do things for themselves in a healthy way just because they have kids. Thats what leads to so much animosity and tension down the road, anyway. I guarantee that a 4 year old kid can be so upset with you that one might think the world were ending and as soon as you give them some ice cream or a toy or take them somewhere they enjoy..they'll love you like there is no other dad in the world. They don't hold grudges and they don't think every little thing is important.

Well said.

[mchepp]

I have had a extremely similar conversation with my wife on multiple occasions. We don't have a kid, but the conversation tone and feeling is EXACTLY the same. One of the reasons I am often in these types of 2 man tournaments is I am extremely dependable as a partner, I show up, rarely flake, and I always try my best, interestingly similar things that my wife likes about me. Once my wife saw this, it seemed to help her understand why I feel the need to play in these tournaments.

What I do in order to make it up to her is do more around the house to make her feel I are helping her to balance the load around the house. Take out the trash more often, clean up around the house when I can, do the dishes once in a while. When I do these things my wife can see I am trying to make an effort to carry my load around the house and the complaining seems to be reduced when a tournament comes up.

On a side note, I am glad to see I am not the only one fighting this battle.

[Sowbug2000]

Duuuude, I am right there with you. My wife is preggo with #2 and I get grief about playing golf every sunday. She can't "go anywhere, do anything she wants." Has to watch #1, clean up, she gets tired. Anyway, she is not upset when I don't play....for sure. She pretty much resents the golf and says I don't want to spend time with the family.

That being said, she might resent your playing golf too? This is definitely a big deal to her, so don't down play it too much. I like the idea of picking the kids up....ask her to take pics dropping them off.

I understand your feeling an obligation to your partner, too. Like many women, I guess she didn't think ahead to what would happen if you did qualify!

Keep us posted....and good luck!

[chriskzoo]

Duuuude, I am right there with you. My wife is preggo with #2 and I get grief about playing golf every sunday. She can't "go anywhere, do anything she wants." Has to watch #1, clean up, she gets tired. Anyway, she is not upset when I don't play....for sure. She pretty much resents the golf and says I don't want to spend time with the family.

Yeah, I think my wife views golf as: "Hmm, he has the option to spend time with the family or golf and he chooses golf" every time I play - which not an outrageous amount. I play in a 9-hole league on Thursdays and then maybe every other weekend I'll play 18 holes. Hell, I'd play 3-4 times a week if I really did what I wanted, LOL.

I'm sure being a stay at home mom is a huge part of it - she is with the kids all day while I am at work, so when the weekend rolls around she expects that I'm going to be there to share the burden. I guess we just have conflicting views on a little "time away" from the family actually being healthy for the family.

[Wet Doggg]

If she does resent golf because it leaves her taking care of the kids...does she have an outlet as well? We have a 3 1/2 year old and a twin 14 month olds...so it gets very hectic. I also play golf about once a week and she does what she wants once a week. Maybe she sees you getting time away...and she really wants a little time as well. Just a thought.

[alf174]

Assuming these two events don't actually interfere with each other: I would sit down with her and let her know I am torn between golfing this final (something important to me personally) & being available for all of our kids important milestones. Then I would ask her if she can help me create a win-win scenario that can satisfy both needs. The picking up at the end of the day is good but it works best if she believes that we worked together to come up with it.

[zeg]

Ah, the pick her up from school on the first day is a good angle, and one I planned on (assuiming the tournament is over then, LOL)

If I were you, as long as YOUR ROUND is over in time, I'd be sure to be there to pick her up, even if it means ditching while others are still out playing. Let your partner receive the trophy on your behalf.

I don't think it's an imperative that you be there for the day, but different families have different feelings about this. Your wife seems to feel it's important. If you can't be there at all, though, it's not like there's no way to make it clear that it's important and memorable. In my family, things like this were important, but not the sort of thing that the whole family showed up for.

Duuuude, I am right there with you. My wife is preggo with #2 and I get grief about playing golf every sunday. She can't "go anywhere, do anything she wants." Has to watch #1, clean up, she gets tired. Anyway, she is not upset when I don't play....for sure. She pretty much resents the golf and says I don't want to spend time with the family.

While I don't think it's fair for her to claim you don't want to spend time with the family, it certainly is true that women generally get a lot less me-time when children come along than men. I'm heavily involved in the child care and am currently at home for paternity leave, but I've been able to vanish for a week for a golf trip and a month for work. With a young (and breastfed) child, that's a lot harder for her to do. IMO you've got to respect her contribution and understand her point of view, and do what you can to try to give her a chance to get an equivalent "me time" to your golf time if you want to be upset about getting some grief for golfing. It's not reasonable for her to expect you to spend every spare minute on "family time," but you should be sure she's getting at least a roughly equal chance at time for herself.

[chriskzoo]

Funny you mention that, because whenever she used to give me attitude about golfing, I said that I couldn't help it if I had a hobby and she didn't. She would always say she "didn't have time" for a hobby with taking care of the kids, laundry, etc. (actually I do more dishes and cooking than her and we probably split the vacuuming). Fortunately she has finally signed up for an exercise class 1-2 nights a week (all-year round, mind you, while golf is only spring/summer for me) and that has helped her I think.

Now that the kids are getting to be school aged, she is really seeing the light. Hell, in 2 years she'll basically have all day free if she doesn't decide to go back and work.

[chriskzoo]

While I don't think it's fair for her to claim you don't want to spend time with the family, it certainly is true that women generally get a lot less me-time when children come along than men. I'm heavily involved in the child care and am currently at home for paternity leave, but I've been able to vanish for a week for a golf trip and a month for work. With a young (and breastfed) child, that's a lot harder for her to do. IMO you've got to respect her contribution and understand her point of view, and do what you can to try to give her a chance to get an equivalent "me time" to your golf time if you want to be upset about getting some grief for golfing. It's not reasonable for her to expect you to spend every spare minute on "family time," but you should be sure she's getting at least a roughly equal chance at time for herself.

A week long golf trip!? LOL, I wouldn't even go there!! Sicne we've had kids (especailly while they are little) my annual "golf trip" with my brother and friends has been drive up Saturday morning, play 18 holes, play 36 the next day and be home the following evening.

[Mizzoujohn]

go play. dont let her mindf*** you.