Qualified for a tournament. Bad father? Wife guilt trip

[sean_miller]

A week long golf trip!? LOL, I wouldn't even go there!! Sicne we've had kids (especailly while they are little) my annual "golf trip" with my brother and friends has been drive up Saturday morning, play 18 holes, play 36 the next day and be home the following evening.

That's 1 overnight stay and 36 holes longer than I've done since I got married - 10 years ago.

[chriskzoo]

That's 1 overnight stay and 36 holes longer than I've done since I got married - 10 years ago.

Well, my wife has actually been to Mexico for 5 days last year with friends and is going to New York for 4 days in August with my sister and some friends - I definitely encourage her to get out of the house and leave me with the kids, I don't mind at all.

[B-Con]

A man of reason. You have to understand my wife - the marriage is great, but I literally have to force her to take some "me time" so every time I tell her I'm playing golf or doing whatever, I think she compares it to "He would rather do X, than spend time with the family."

It sounds to me like your wife is more upset about golf, and is just using the first day of school as a tipping point.

Funny you mention that, because whenever she used to give me attitude about golfing, I said that I couldn't help it if I had a hobby and she didn't. She would always say she "didn't have time" for a hobby with taking care of the kids, laundry, etc. (actually I do more dishes and cooking than her and we probably split the vacuuming).

This is the issue. Assuming your transcript conveys her reaction reasonably, the issue is about the quantity of time spent golfing or the trade-off between the kid's events and golf.

1) If she thinks you golf too much, or take too much "you" time in general, that issue itself needs to be addressed. Perhaps you need to trade in one of your other golf days for this one. You imply that you do your share of the housework, ensure that she agrees with this. Itemize the housework to the degree possible, there is probably more than you realize. Also ensure that she feels you spend enough time around the house with the family. I can almost guarantee you that you two disagree on the balance for that. Is she still in the exercise class? Is that what she wants to do or was it just the only thing she could get into her schedule? Perhaps she has other plans she'd like to pursue but can't get it into her schedule. Do you watch, or would you be able to watch, the kids in any of the evenings so she can get out? 2) If she thinks you have a history of missing important events for golf, you need to address the issue of Event vs. Golf priorities. Maybe she thinks you don't value time with the family very much. It's probably not about the specific day of starting kindergarten, my guess would be that there is a perceived pattern by her. I have no idea what your life is like, but I would definitely ask those questions, even if you think you know the answer.

[Chief Broom]

Of course I'm playing, I just hate that kind of BS wives try to lay on you about golf.

I am glad your are sounding out your arguments here as they need work.

This is by far the best advice you've gotten thus far. It's pretty obvious many of the guys encouraging you to play no matter what are guys who aren't married and who really have no idea what it takes to maintain a meaningful long term relationship.

First off you need to realize that this conflict you are having with your wife isn't just about golf, rather it's about the very nature of your relationship, so be careful. Wives at times can be very demanding and expect a lot from us, but we also expect much from them. When a woman begins to feel neglected, undervalued by her spouse they can really make a lot of noise about how they feel and how they blame us for their unhappiness. One's initial reaction to this can be to dismiss it as extremeism, but what you should consider is that this extremeism is an accurate portrayal of how she feels, and when you dismiss her true feelings she'll see that as a very powerful denunciation of her by you. Let that happen a few too many times and it's quite common for your wife to stop expressing her true feelings to you. Most guys welcome this because now the wife lets them do the things they like without being nagged. In reality though she's made up her mind that you don't care and that's when she'll begin considering other options. Before you dismiss my cautions as being overboard consider the divorce statistics today. Consider how many people you know who manage to stay married for any lenght of time. Consider how many people you know who wind up divorced even after a fairly substantial period of marriage (20+ years). I encourage you to seek out advice from someone you know who has a good marriage and has been married along time and discuss this with them. Don't talk with your single buddies or golf buddies about this, because the advice they give may not be what you need to hear if keeping your wife happy is your goal. The guy you need to hear from is the guy who knows how to keep his wife happy. That's a guy who knows how to exert himself in his marriage while at the same time making sure that his wife feels valued. A good marriage is a lot like a good business partnership. Neither party will remain in a partnership if they aren't getting something concrete out of the relationship. Compromise is good, but if one party feels they always end up losing out eventually they are going to walk away from that partnership. I've seen guys take a firm stand with their wife over something like this only to come home one day and find the wife and kids gone. That's when you'll find out how serious this kind of situation can get and how easy it is for something as seemingly unimportant as a day of competition golf and the first day of school can become.

[Chief Broom]

This is the issue. Assuming your transcript conveys her reaction reasonably, the issue is about the quantity of time spent golfing or the trade-off between the kid's events and golf.

This is another excellent post. I agree that what you percieve and she percieves are probably very different. Ultimately it doesn't matter which one of you is right. The way your wife percieves the situation is what you must address and deal with in a manner that satisfies her expectations. You pointing out where her perception is wrong will probably only make matters worse. Pretty much every guy I know who found himself in a marriage that was in trouble had no idea what was making his wife really upset. That's the guy who's caught totally by surprise. You don't want to be that guy.

[mdl]

This is an interesting thread. I'm married but no kids. My wife's super cool about the golf, and she's got hobbies she takes time to do when I'm playing on weekends. But I try to play dawn rounds during the week as much as possible so I'm not away all day one day every weekend (I play public courses in LA, and weekend rounds are usually 5-6 hours, plus driving and warm-up). I could see golfing becoming an issue if we have kids...

[alf174]

This is another excellent post. I agree that what you percieve and she percieves are probably very different. Ultimately it doesn't matter which one of you is right. The way your wife percieves the situation is what you must address and deal with in a manner that satisfies her expectations. You pointing out where her perception is wrong will probably only make matters worse. Pretty much every guy I know who found himself in a marriage that was in trouble had no idea what was making his wife really upset. That's the guy who's caught totally by surprise. You don't want to be that guy.

Amen, I was that guy ten years ago. You do have to understand and

validate what she is feeling.

[anthony]

Me: "I'm playing golf today"
Girlfriend: "Have fun honey, you should call my dad to see if he wants to go"
Me: "Okay, I'll call him"

Granted, we have no children or anything. But, my girlfriend understands I NEED to golf....every other day. We go to dinner after or grill out when I get home. Hell, she comes along for the ride every once in a while when I play in the evening. I'm a lucky man.

[CG031]

nothing wrong with what you're doing. if my dad told me he missed my first day of pre school/kindergarten because he was in a golf tournament, i'd view him as a hero.

[zeg]

A week long golf trip!? LOL, I wouldn't even go there!! Sicne we've had kids (especailly while they are little) my annual "golf trip" with my brother and friends has been drive up Saturday morning, play 18 holes, play 36 the next day and be home the following evening.

Well, it wasn't *quite* that. A friend and I got tickets to the US Open, so he flew down to LA the Thursday before. I picked him up at the airport, we played a round of golf "on the way home" (using a round-about way home...), hung out a bit that night, took off toward Monterey at 5 the next morning, played a round of golf at 6:30 or 7 on the way, stayed up there for the weekend, then came back Sunday night late. Played another round Monday afternoon, two rounds Tuesday, and he left on Wednesday. So we were around in a few the evenings rather than being gone constantly, but I still consider it a golf trip. It helped a LOT that she was on maternity leave...

It also helps that she's extremely happy to do lots of mothering. She certainly does get stressed sometimes, but she's never been the sort to go out and do a lot of socializing or the like, so she's pretty content spending a lot of time with the kids. By the way, I asked her what she thought about the OP's situation and, as I expected, she didn't really see the problem. To her (and to me), the first day of kindergarten is certainly a big event, but not the sort of thing you need the whole family to turn out for. But that's just our viewpoint, and I'm sure your wife's feelings matter a lot more to you about this than ours do!

Me: "I'm playing golf today"

Yeah, it's almost entirely different when you have kids. I can't head off on weekends very often any more because there's just too much to do, and it's hard for her to do it while watching the kids. If I went too much before (which didn't happen much, I really didn't start golfing regularly until after our kids came along), I might get some disapproving looks, but it was mostly because of the expense and, even more, because I really should be at work finishing my degree....

[he4dhuntr]

Me: "I'm playing golf today"

How long have you been dating and how old are the both of you? Do you live together? How often do you see each other?

Girlfriends and wives (not to mention with kids) are quite different stories. My gf and I actually took up golf together and so play together. I even tought her to snowboard last year and now we can do that on the weekends in the winter, but things tend to change down the line. Hopefully they won't for you! Cheers,

[KDub]

I am sure glad those years are in my past, been there done that. I feel for you :)

[holeinon3]

I started Kindergarten a little more than a decade ago, from what I remember my dad wasn't with me and plus it's not like I cared.

[Joeyvee]

let me preface this by saying I have no kids. I would probably golf. If you had a job you couldn't ditch she would do it on her own no? That being said there have been plenty Psychologists that say the first 5 years is when a person can be most helped or harmed by what their parents do. They might not miss you one day but if you're never there (I'm not saying you arent) then that would be a major blow to their psyche. I dont remember a damned thing from when I was younger. Not my first day of school or whatever. I do remember my old man driving me to my little league games though.
If you ever lsitened to howard Stern he would always ask the trashy stripper types that came on his show about their dads. They all answered the same, They were drunks, didnt know em etc..

[mattttt25]

I didn't read all the pages, but things that jump out at me: Surprising that golf is more important to you than seeing your daughter get on the bus or walk into the classroom. And wife aside, did you think about your daughter? Would she be upset if you were not there to support her?

I've missed plenty of things with my kids because of work and it sucks. Usually not worth it. They grow up fast, and that's advice coming from someone with a 4 and 7 yr old.

[sean_miller]

I didn't read all the pages, but things that jump out at me: Surprising that golf is more important to you than seeing your daughter get on the bus or walk into the classroom. And wife aside, did you think about your daughter? Would she be upset if you were not there to support her?

I have kids in that age range too. They get over stuff pretty fast - as long as you're not a dick on a daily basis. Little people are actually pretty forgiving when you show them a lot of love.

[jlh1508]

I am a Pastor and offer marriage counseling, pm me to discuss rates and scheduling

[mdbuschsr]

And people wonder why I got my wife into golf. Some ridiculed me for doing so. Before, she didn't understand why I loved the game so much. Now, she asks when we can go again.

We have a different relationship than most (NO, not like that), we actually encourage each other to have alone time. But on the rare occasion that either of us feels passionately about whatever, and says "no, not this time" the other is likely to listen. We certainly don't have a perfect marriage, but I'd wager it's closer to perfect than most.

I don't want to come across as a jack-ass, but if you take some of the advice I've read from those that are obviously not married w/ children, you are truly foolish. And to those of you that are not yet married... Continue with your current philosophy and you will lead a very lonely life.