Golf Jokes Master Thread

[Kingfisher]

What a waste...

I just spent $20 on a dvd, "Tiger: My 18 favourite holes"

Turns out it's about golf

[boogielicious]

Excellent!!

[Fourputt]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS!! CAN I GO NOW?"

[SQ Bimmer]

I read the thread in at least 5 sittings over a long period of time here and there, maybe didn't read the whole thread, so I apologize if it's been posted:

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.

He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!" "It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed..

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead.
What'd you shoot?"

[sean_miller]

I read the thread in at least 5 sittings over a long period of time here and there, maybe didn't read the whole thread, so I apologize if it's been posted:

Coffee applied to monitor in a nice even coat. Check.

[senorchipotle]

kingfisher and fourputt.... two brilliant jokes, lmao! cheers.

[iacas]

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

The first time I heard that joke the punchline was "Eddie Murphy" and the student had thrown some black ping pong balls at the teacher, prompting her to ask "Who's the comedian with the black balls?"

[right handed phil mickelson]

Coffee applied to monitor in a nice even coat. Check.

Lmfao Nice....hahahahahahahahahahahaha

[Greg]

I just got this one in am email from a friend of mine.

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

[Vance87]

Dude. That joke is literally like 6 posts above yours.

[Fatphil]

lady tees off, comes back to the pro shop 20min later says to the pro she got a bee sting what should she do...pro says were did u get stung,,,she says btw the 1st and
2nd hole...pro say's "your stance is too wide".....
was in Mexico last week heard this one...Lorena Ochoa just got married...but her game has gone to shit...her grip has tigthened up and her stance has gotten wider...(was funnier in spanish)

[Fatphil]

my bad some guy from africa did the bee sting joke...sorry didn't read thru 150 posts....how about...

guy comes into the pro shop..pro says eh Joe, how was your day? Horrible, Fred died on the 3rd tee....wow pro say that's sucks...Joe says...yeh tell me about it,,,hit the ball drag Fred,,,hit the ball drag Fred.

[montru]

A guy goes on a business trip to Africa, takes his golf clubs with him hoping to get a round or two in, he goes to to the local course, pays his green fee and the pro asks "what your handicap?" he was actually an 18 but thought he would make himself sound a bit better so he said he was a 16.
The pro calls out a young caddy and the pro says "get your rifle and take this gentleman out, he is a 16 handicap"

On the first tee the caddy says "this is a par four with trouble all down the left side so don't go left"
He tees it up takes driver and hit a pull hook into the bushes, they find the ball and has no choice but to chip out, just at the top of his backswing he hears a loud BANG he looks at the caddy who is just lowering his rifle and said "there was a snake behind you in the tree".
The second tee the caddy says "this is a par four with water all the way down the right side, so you should stay left”.
He tees it up and slices it right, the ball ends up just hanging on the bank of the lake, he was standing on the bank just about to take his second shot and a crocodile jumps out of the water and takes his foot clean off, he’s jumping around screaming in pain and shouts at the caddy “why didn’t you shoot?” the caddy said “this is stroke index 17, you don’t get a shot on this hole!

[Shindig]

Even with what I think was a merging of the joke threads, this one didn't end up on the list. For that matter, I don't remember seeing this posted on this board. For those that can't figure it out, this isn't actually a true story.


I went to a wedding ceremony at a country club a few years ago. The ceremony was nice and I shared a few dances with a pretty girl I met there. Somewhat bored with the activity on the dance floor, she and I took a walk around the club. One thing lead to another, and we found ourselves in a bunker (but not, shall we say, in an unplayable lie).

Before too long, though, a guard showed up and shined a large flashlight on us. He asked us if we were members. We said 'yes' as we scrambled to rearrange our clothes and run back to the party.

"No you aren't," he said, chasing after us. "Members know to rake the bunker before running off..."

[Three Putt]

haven't heard this one yet, so I decided to share

Congrats! Still the best one of the thread...wire to wire.

SQ Bimmer's one with the wife/doctor/icu was a close second though.

[Mr Eagle]

A guy is about to tee off on his own when a stranger approaches him and asks if he would mind if he joined him.As his best mate haddn't turned up he was happy to have some company.
After a few holes the guy asks the stranger what hedoes for a living "Im an assasin" replies the stranger
"Get out of here! you kidding me"
The assasin pulls a snipers rifle out of his cart, telescopic sights the lot and shows the guy "have a feel see what you think"
The guy pulls the rifle up to his shoulder and points it toward the horizon
"This is great ,I can see my house from here,I can see the windows ,I can see inside the windows,I can see my wife,I can see my best mate!"
He gives the stranger back the rifle and asks how much he charges
"thousand bucks a bullit"
After another couple of holes the Guy after much soul searching says "OK do it,do the pair of them,but dont kill them just in case Im wrong"
The stranger asks where he wants him to shoot them then and the guy replies " Shoot her in the mouth as shes always been a gobby cow and shoot him in the crutch just to teach him a lesson"
The stranger sets up his rifle and looks down the sights after a couple of minuites the guy says "Are you gonna do it then,whats the hold up ?"
The stranger replies
"Be patient my friend and I'll save you a thousand bucks"

[flopdarock]

lmao

[pingman]

Tom's tee shot off the first tee hooks horribly and skips off the clubhouse roof. He decides it's not worth chasing so he tees up another ball and plays on. As he's making the turn at nine, his friend comes running out of the clubhouse, "Tom, wait up!"

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Did you see what happened to your ball from the first tee?"

"Well, I hooked the ball off the clubhouse roof but I didn't see what happened to it."

"Let me tell you, it ricocheted off a van's window which went out of control and hit a school bus. The bus tumbled down an embankment and burst into flames! Three kids are in critical condition at the hospital!"

"Oh my God! What should I do?"

"Well, I think if you just open your club face a little bit . . . ."