Husband Chooses Golf Over Marriage

[Lonely one]

2 minutes ago, CarlSpackler said:

 

I do not qualify to answer your post. I would be happy to chime in with my perspective as a man who has been married for 24 years. 

Hi,

I'm listening. Go right ahead 

 

[Double Mocha Man]

1 hour ago, chilepepper said:

Tell him you’ve decided on a hobby for yourself......that you start private pilot lessons in a week

Or tell him you start private lessons with a gigolo in a week.

[Cantankerish]

I find myself angry at this man.    I hit range balls once a week and I play on average once a week.  That’s about six hours devoted to this game.  My wife complains a bit.  I take my son with me when I can.  I have offered to take her, but she is not interested.

I feel that this man has crossed the line.  I am frightened by your words, Lonely One.  And I am so very sorry for your situation.  Mostly I am just angry at him though.  I have no right to be.  But I still am.

[Lonely one]

6 minutes ago, Cantankerish said:

I find myself angry at this man.    I hit range balls once a week and I play on average once a week.  That’s about six hours devoted to this game.  My wife complains a bit.  I take my son with me when I can.  I have offered to take her, but she is not interested.

I feel that this man has crossed the line.  I am frightened by your words, Lonely One.  And I am so very sorry for your situation.  Mostly I am just angry at him though.  I have no right to be.  But I still am.

Thank you very much

[leftybutnotPM]

1 hour ago, Double Mocha Man said:

Or tell him you start private lessons with a gigolo in a week.

Why are you joking? This is a serious issue.

To the OP - You need to remove yourself from this marriage ASAP.

The bottom line is that he prefers playing golf to being with you and obviously ignores your needs. You have discussed it and he gets annoyed. He gets annoyed because he doesn't like his selfishness being pointed out. If you have made it clear that you are happy with him playing once a week or thereabouts and he ignores this, the message is clear. He is a jerk. Sorry.

He will not change. 

Leave.

 

Oh... did you say that you would like to learn to play but it "didn't go over very well"? Come on. It's pretty clear what he wants. Do yourself a favour. Get out.

If a couple can play golf together it's the best thing in the world because you can do it anywhere and even base holidays around it.

Edited August 4, 2019 by leftybutnotPM

[David in FL]

10 minutes ago, leftybutnotPM said:

Why are you joking? This is a serious issue.

To the OP - You need to remove yourself from this marriage ASAP.

Good grief.  Knowing absolutely nothing other than a single Internet forum post, this is your conclusion/advice?

 

[leftybutnotPM]

Just now, David in FL said:

Good grief.  Knowing absolutely nothing other than a single Internet forum post, this is your conclusion/advice?

 

Dead right it is. 100%

A husband gets angry when his wife suggests that she would like to learn to play golf.

He chooses to spend as much time away from her as possible. And wants to play golf as much as he can - deliberately excluding her.

What would your advice be?

[FlyingAce]

Sorry you are going thru this. It is never easy when communication in a marriage is broken. It sounds to me your marriage is already in trouble and your husband has chosen golf to avoid dealing with the issue at hand. Golf is his escape, not the cause of the failed marriage.

At least figure out where the marriage has gone wrong before walking away. I hope he is willing to go to counseling with you. Best of luck!

Edited August 4, 2019 by FlyingAce

[David in FL]

3 minutes ago, leftybutnotPM said:

Dead right it is. 100%

A husband gets angry when his wife suggests that she would like to learn to play golf.

He chooses to spend as much time away from her as possible. And wants to play golf as much as he can - deliberately excluding her.

What would your advice be?

Really?  Again...  

How about professional marriage counseling.

Not a bunch of unqualified goobers on the internet who don’t know anything about the people, or their situation.

 

[Double Mocha Man]

11 minutes ago, leftybutnotPM said:

Dead right it is. 100%

A husband gets angry when his wife suggests that she would like to learn to play golf.

He chooses to spend as much time away from her as possible. And wants to play golf as much as he can - deliberately excluding her.

What would your advice be?

LeftybutnotPM... you might be framing this wrong.  Go back and re-read the OP's initial post... read between the lines.  There may be a control issue or a power issue here.  Rarely are these things one-sided.

[leftybutnotPM]

9 minutes ago, David in FL said:

Really?  Again...  

How about professional marriage counseling.

 

Do you seriously think a "marriage counselor" is required to make a selfish arse see himself for what he really is? And that he will change? Or do you think this "professional" is going to get her to accept that he likes golf and that he should be able to indulge his passion for it at the expense of the couple spending time together. 

Their situation is as dysfunctional as can be. How many more details could you possibly need? 

Perhaps they could have a mediation where he reluctantly agrees to support her having golf lessons. What a breakthrough that would be.🤨 Let's be realistic.

2 minutes ago, Double Mocha Man said:

LeftybutnotPM... you might be framing this wrong.  Go back and re-read the OP's initial post... read between the lines.  There may be a control issue or a power issue here.  Rarely are these things one-sided.

For sure. All the more reason to accept reality and move on. Might be best for both of them.

 

Edited August 4, 2019 by leftybutnotPM

[dennyjones]

I'm sure not qualified to give you an answer to your situation but I'll explain my history.   When I got married, I was training in marital arts, racing motocross, table tennis, scuba diving and golfing.   I realized that being away from my bride wasn't what it took to cultivate a strong marriage so I gave up almost everything until after the kids were older.   As the kids aged, I participated in things they enjoyed doing, playing and coaching soccer and basketball.    Now that we are empty nesters, my wife doesn't complain if I go on a golf outing or golf three times per week but I do make time for family.   It's more important than golf (golf is a close second!)

I hope for the best for you.

[Indy-Archer]

As a pastor who very much enjoys golf, who has counseled many couples over the years dealing with difficulties, and is married to someone who has ZERO interest in the game, and who has, admittedly, complained of being a ‘golf-widow’ on occasion, I can offer a couple of pieces of advice. 

First of all, not that the topic shouldn’t be raised here, but it certainly won’t be solved here: does your husband want the marriage to work? If so, find a neutral third party who doesn’t have a vested interest in one of you over the other. You both need to hear the truth and know that it is as objective as possible. 

Secondly, don’t bring up any of your struggles on social media. If there’s any chance that he could happen across a post somewhere where he could feel that you’re airing dirty laundry in front of others, it can do great harm to an already fractured relationship. 

Thirdly, the next time you bring this up with him, I would suggest it not be when you are experiencing the first relaxing leisure time together. If you’re having a good conversation, ask if you can set up a time to talk about your marriage together. It’s easy to take a good experience and ruin it by putting someone on the spot. At that point, you’ve only made one more not-so-good experience together. 

Fourthly, how are the other aspects of your relationship? I don’t expect (or want!) you to answer this here, but you do need to answer it honestly to yourself. I’ve yet to see a broken relationship that is solely the responsibility of one person. How is your physical relationship? How much do you share each other’s interests? Golf is something many folks enjoy thoroughly, but I’ve also seen people dive into hobbies because it becomes a mask for other issues. Was everything great before golf? If not, then you both need to back things up and see where they actually started to go south. 

Unfortunately, no one here is going to come up with a quick-fix for you. It’s going to take time and honesty—both with each other and yourselves, but if you’re both committed, then it can definitely be salvaged!

[geo63]

1 hour ago, leftybutnotPM said:

 

Their situation is as dysfunctional as can be. How many more details could you possibly need? 

 .

 

Maybe how much time she spends away from him doing what she enjoys. Maybe she spends 12 hours a week doing something without him but she expects him to be there when she isn't doing something else.

Maybe she doesn't go anywhere but stays home and does things alone like surf the web while he is expected to just sit there.

Maybe they were older when they got married, had their own lifestyles, and she agreed at that time that amount of golf was fine.

The only part I don't like is that he doesn't want her to learn. 

[dennyjones]

2 hours ago, Indy-Archer said:

Secondly, don’t bring up any of your struggles on social media. If there’s any chance that he could happen across a post somewhere where he could feel that you’re airing dirty laundry in front of others, it can do great harm to an already fractured relationship. 

+1

[CarlSpackler]

6 hours ago, Lonely one said:

Hi,

I'm listening. Go right ahead 

I think that most men are tired of being controlled all the time. At work. At home. Spending time at a bar, or playing golf, working on cars, etc. is a a way to reconnect with masculinity that is being robbed by what is becoming a more female dominated society.

That is what I see with most of my friends. They are sick of constant nagging, so they want to hang out where they can control their own thoughts. I have no clue if that is what is going on in your relationship, but it is something to consider. Golf is an escape that taps in to our primal need to hunt (theory). 

[Double Mocha Man]

15 minutes ago, CarlSpackler said:

Golf is an escape that taps in to our primal need to hunt (theory). 

Pin hunting.

[CarlSpackler]

Just now, Double Mocha Man said:

Pin hunting.

Here’s the theory. In “caveman days” man had to wound an animal multiple times before it died. They would wound it and then chase it. Wound it again and chase it. After several rounds of this, the animal would die and dinner was served. Sound familiar?