The Perfect Golf Course

[snapfade]

When I win the Lottery I will build my own golf course or take over a failing one somewhere. When I do I will strive to make it the best golf course around and make it affordable for the working man. The following are a few things I plan on doing, feel free to add more and if I like your suggestion, I will bring on board as a staff member. 

1. No carts will be offered. With the exception of disabled people. If you can walk from your car to the clubhouse you can walk 18 holes, if you cant, then go to the gym.

2. No tournaments, no outings, no scrambles, ever.

3. You will have to sign a form before you play that you will follow all rules, if you violate the rules you will be escorted off the course in an undignified manner and will not receive a refund. 

4. Course monitors will be strategically located to observe rule breakers. Leave a broken tee, cigarette/ cigar butt, beer can, sunflower seeds, etc on the course, don't fix a ball mark, and so forth, you are gone.

5. Daily play will be limited to allow the course to not get backed up due to it being walking only. 

6. Ladies prices will be based on length of shorts or skirts they are wearing, Shorter the skirt the less they pay, bikinis are encouraged.

7. There will be no consumption of Bud Lite, Coors, Keystone, Miller Lite or any other mullet beer. Beer sold will be from local independent brewers, such as Florida Lager. 

8. Laser range finders will not be allowed, period. You will probably use the wrong club anyways or miss your target completely so you will not tie up the course trying to determine if its 172 yards or 171 yards.

9. The greens on the par 3's will run around a 14-16 on the Stimp, and the par 5's about a 8, why?  It's my club. 

10. If you get a hole in one, then you will get a voucher for a free lap dance at the gentlemen's club. 

11. No golf bag trolleys with the exception of disabled people, if you are to out of shape to carry your own bag, then find another sport. 

12. Veterans always play free. 

More to follow, I am just getting started. Feel free to add what you would like to see.

 

[dennyjones]

It would be a desolate course, but if it's yours, you're all good.

[ChetlovesMer]

57 minutes ago, snapfade said:

4. Course monitors will be strategically located to observe rule breakers. Leave a broken tee, cigarette/ cigar butt, beer can, sunflower seeds, etc on the course, don't fix a ball mark, and so forth, you are gone.

 

Can we have a little canister near the tee markers on the par 3's to put out broken tees in? I like to recycle somebody else's broken tee for par 3's.

58 minutes ago, snapfade said:

11. No golf bag trolleys with the exception of disabled people, if you are to out of shape to carry your own bag, then find another sport. 

 

What if I've slung my bag for longer than you've been alive??? I've only recently switched to a ClicGear 3.5+. How about a rule if a player has slung and carried his/her bag since before their were the "backpack-style" straps on bags, he/she can now finally use a trolley?

1 hour ago, snapfade said:

When I win the Lottery

By the way, I've heard they are going to change the name of the Lottery. From now on it will be called "A tax for people who are REALLY bad at math." 

[mcanadiens]

1 hour ago, snapfade said:

No golf bag trolleys with the exception of disabled people, if you are to out of shape to carry your own bag, then find another sport. 

What on earth is wrong with a trolley?

 

[snapfade]

13 minutes ago, ChetlovesMer said:

Can we have a little canister near the tee markers on the par 3's to put out broken tees in? I like to recycle somebody else's broken tee for par 3's.

What if I've slung my bag for longer than you've been alive??? I've only recently switched to a ClicGear 3.5+. How about a rule if a player has slung and carried his/her bag since before their were the "backpack-style" straps on bags, he/she can now finally use a trolley?

By the way, I've heard they are going to change the name of the Lottery. From now on it will be called "A tax for people who are REALLY bad at math." 

 

12 minutes ago, mcanadiens said:

What on earth is wrong with a trolley?

 

No trolley's. Just like if I was President I would ban the little suitcases with the wheels on them. 

If you protest the rules of the club then you will be black balled. I will coordinate with the local FEMA re-education camp for you to spend some time there. 

A little canister to put broken tee's in is fine, as well as a trash can of course

[ChetlovesMer]

1 hour ago, snapfade said:

Just like if I was President I would ban the little suitcases with the wheels on them.

Ha, I kind of agree with this one. Carry-ons should be CARRIED ON. 

[Piz]

Enforce a shot limit.  The goal of each player would be to make it as far along as possible before running out of shots.  The farthest I've ever made it, with an allotment of 72, was thru 17.  

[snapfade]

1 minute ago, Piz said:

Enforce a shot limit.  The goal of each player would be to make it as far along as possible before running out of shots.  The farthest I've ever made it, with an allotment of 72, was thru 17.  

13. OK

14. No double digit handicappers before noon on weekends and holidays.

[David in FL]

If your group, regardless of size, doesn’t complete your round in 3:30 or less, you’re not allowed back.  
 

Sadly, that will likely reduce the number of bikini clad ladies out there...  😐

[snapfade]

20 minutes ago, David in FL said:

If your group, regardless of size, doesn’t complete your round in 3:30 or less, you’re not allowed back.  
 

Sadly, that will likely reduce the number of bikini clad ladies out there...  😐

15. Bikini clad ladies are exempt from most rules. Provided they pass the bikini inspection before being allowed on the course. You shouldn't have to lift something to see the bikini. 

 

[Patch]

With all those regulations, I am pretty sure the OP has solved the slow play problem.

Hopefully the lottery amount will be high enough to prevent bankruptcy.....lol

I do like that "Vetereans Play Free" idea. 

[snapfade]

9 minutes ago, Patch said:

With all those regulations, I am pretty sure the OP has solved the slow play problem.

Hopefully the lottery amount will be high enough to prevent bankruptcy.....lol

I do like that "Vetereans Play Free" idea. 

Oh yes substantial lottery winnings, coupled with Brazilian ladies in bikinis as caddies,of which I just thought about, they will be lined up at the gate waiting to go.  

[Bonvivant]

On 3/22/2020 at 9:49 AM, snapfade said:

When I win the Lottery I will build my own golf course or take over a failing one somewhere. When I do I will strive to make it the best golf course around and make it affordable for the working man. The following are a few things I plan on doing, feel free to add more and if I like your suggestion, I will bring on board as a staff member. 

1. No carts will be offered. With the exception of disabled people. If you can walk from your car to the clubhouse you can walk 18 holes, if you cant, then go to the gym.

2. No tournaments, no outings, no scrambles, ever.

3. You will have to sign a form before you play that you will follow all rules, if you violate the rules you will be escorted off the course in an undignified manner and will not receive a refund. 

4. Course monitors will be strategically located to observe rule breakers. Leave a broken tee, cigarette/ cigar butt, beer can, sunflower seeds, etc on the course, don't fix a ball mark, and so forth, you are gone.

5. Daily play will be limited to allow the course to not get backed up due to it being walking only. 

6. Ladies prices will be based on length of shorts or skirts they are wearing, Shorter the skirt the less they pay, bikinis are encouraged.

7. There will be no consumption of Bud Lite, Coors, Keystone, Miller Lite or any other mullet beer. Beer sold will be from local independent brewers, such as Florida Lager. 

8. Laser range finders will not be allowed, period. You will probably use the wrong club anyways or miss your target completely so you will not tie up the course trying to determine if its 172 yards or 171 yards.

9. The greens on the par 3's will run around a 14-16 on the Stimp, and the par 5's about a 8, why?  It's my club. 

10. If you get a hole in one, then you will get a voucher for a free lap dance at the gentlemen's club. 

11. No golf bag trolleys with the exception of disabled people, if you are to out of shape to carry your own bag, then find another sport. 

12. Veterans always play free. 

More to follow, I am just getting started. Feel free to add what you would like to see.

 

5 can be fixed by enforcing the exact opposite of 11 or requiring caddies. You could have tee times every 5 minutes if you enforced POP with your course monitors if you made people take trolleys. Watching people pick up bags and set them down may be fun for you but it's a waste of time.

[snapfade]

10 hours ago, Bonvivant said:

5 can be fixed by enforcing the exact opposite of 11 or requiring caddies. You could have tee times every 5 minutes if you enforced POP with your course monitors if you made people take trolleys. Watching people pick up bags and set them down may be fun for you but it's a waste of time.

There will be no trolleys, Old Tom Morris didn't use a trolley. You will have the option of having bikini clad Brazilian ladies caddie for you. 

16. Former military snipers will be strategically position in concealed locations with high powered pellet rifles to enforce pace of play and any on course violations.

17. For the Ohio crowd, any one showing up in a Guided by Voices shirt or a Pete Rose jersey, will receive a 10 percent discount.   

[snapfade]

1 hour ago, snapfade said:

There will be no trolleys, Old Tom Morris didn't use a trolley. You will have the option of having bikini clad Brazilian ladies caddie for you. 

16. Former military snipers will be strategically position in concealed locations with high powered pellet rifles to enforce pace of play and any on course violations.

17. For the Ohio crowd, any one showing up in a Guided by Voices shirt or a Pete Rose jersey, will receive a 10 percent discount.   

18. No practice shots between holes, there is a driving range and practice area for that. If you feel the need to take a few shots between holes, see Rule 16. Special thanks to @Vinsk for giving me the idea. He will receive a complimentary one year free membership when the club opens. 

[phillyk]

No bunker rakes and maintenance in the bunkers.  19th hole is both a par 3 and mini bar on the tee box, near the clubhouse.

[snapfade]

12 hours ago, phillyk said:

No bunker rakes and maintenance in the bunkers.  19th hole is both a par 3 and mini bar on the tee box, near the clubhouse.

What bunkers?

[phillyk]

1 hour ago, snapfade said:

What bunkers?

The grass ones i guess.