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Golf Jokes Master Thread

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Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf. They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch.

“Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs…” “OK.”

Ten years later at 40, they play.

“Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.” “OK.”

Ten years later at 50,

“Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “The food is good and there is plenty of parking.” ”OK.”

At 60,

“Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Wings are half price.” “OK”

At 70,

“Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.” “OK.”

At 80,

"Where do you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "We've never been there before and I would like to try something new."

 

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7 hours ago, Patch said:

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf. They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch.

“Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs…” “OK.”

Ten years later at 40, they play.

“Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.” “OK.”

Ten years later at 50,

“Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “The food is good and there is plenty of parking.” ”OK.”

At 60,

“Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Wings are half price.” “OK”

At 70,

“Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.” “OK.”

At 80,

"Where do you wanna go?" "Hooters." "Why?" "We've never been there before and I would like to try something new."

 

Just shared This with my dad, who I played golf with today on his 83rd birthday…!

:beer:

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6 hours ago, David in FL said:

Just shared This with my dad, who I played golf with today on his 83rd birthday…!

:beer:

Did you go to Hooters afterward? :-)

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I have to say. Although not 80 yet, I do know there is a Hooters in Vegas. However I'll be damned if I know where it is. Half priced wing sounds pretty good. 

Also, thanks to who ever moved my post to the right forum. 

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There are many golf jokes, but I am going to tell you my present favourite. I also have a very funny one I would like to share, but I suspect being an American site carries a great deal of political corectness, so I won't.

Anyway. Paddy moves to a new area and decides to pop into his local golf club in order he can find a new playing partner. Whilst talking to the pro, he was approached by an American who offered to play with him. Paddy told him that he would meet him at 9am the next morning, but he may be 30 minutes late. As agreed paddy was there at 9am. Indeed Paddy was a great player and gave his new partner a good spanking. The American wanted revenge, so he asked Paddy if he would accept the challenge. Paddy told him that he would meet him the next morning, but he may be 30 minutes late. The next day Paddy turned up at 9am, but this time had left handed clubs. Once again he beet the American quite easily. The American asked Paddy how he made the choice to play left or right handed. Paddy replied, when I wake up in the morning if my wife is laying on her right side I use my right handed clubs, and if she is laying on her left side I use my left handed clubs. The American asked what he did if she was lying on her back, and Paddy replied, I MAY BE THIRTY MINUTES LATE

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6 hours ago, Mr Puddle said:

There are many golf jokes, but I am going to tell you my present favourite. I also have a very funny one I would like to share, but I suspect being an American site carries a great deal of political corectness, so I won't.

Anyway. Paddy moves to a new area and decides to pop into his local golf club in order he can find a new playing partner. Whilst talking to the pro, he was approached by an American who offered to play with him. Paddy told him that he would meet him at 9am the next morning, but he may be 30 minutes late. As agreed paddy was there at 9am. Indeed Paddy was a great player and gave his new partner a good spanking. The American wanted revenge, so he asked Paddy if he would accept the challenge. Paddy told him that he would meet him the next morning, but he may be 30 minutes late. The next day Paddy turned up at 9am, but this time had left handed clubs. Once again he beet the American quite easily. The American asked Paddy how he made the choice to play left or right handed. Paddy replied, when I wake up in the morning if my wife is laying on her right side I use my right handed clubs, and if she is laying on her left side I use my left handed clubs. The American asked what he did if she was lying on her back, and Paddy replied, I MAY BE THIRTY MINUTES LATE

Ah I’m too late but it’s funnier with the Irish accent. 

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Apologise if this one has already been told, but I am not going back 18 pages to find out.

 

A man and wife are playing together, when the wife gets hit with a ball. She hits the ground like a sack of potatoes.  The man rings for an ambulance, and tells the person on the other end what has happened. receptionist askes, where has she been hit. Man replies, between the first and second hole. Receptionist says, we are never going to be able to get plaster on that, are we ?

 

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Jesus and Moses are out playing golf one day. When they come to the 14th hole, which is a particularly nasty 310 yard, par 4, with a water hazard in front of the green.

Moses leads off, and drives a beautiful shot straight down the fairway, laying-up 10 yards short of the water hazard.

Jesus steps up to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going for the green. I saw Arnold Palmer make this same shot last year”. Moses advises Jesus he’ll never make the green, and to lay-up short.

Jesus tells Moses, “No, I saw Arnold Palmer make this shot, and I know if he can do it, so can I”.

So Jesus tees up the ball, hits it, and watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. Jesus turns to Moses, asking him to please part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses parts the waters, allowing Jesus to retrieve his ball.

Jesus comes back to the tee, and tells Moses, “I’m going to try it again. If Arnold Palmer can make this shot, I know I can too”. Jesus tees up his golf ball, hits it, and again watches it land in the middle of the water hazard. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters so he can retrieve his golf ball. Moses says OK, and parts the waters, so Jesus can retrieve his golf ball again.

Jesus comes back, and once again tees up the ball telling Moses he can make the shot, because if Arnold Palmer can do it, he can too. Moses tells Jesus, if he hits the ball into the water this time, he’s not going to help him get it back.

Jesus takes a mighty swing, and watches the ball fall just short of the green, once again landing in the water. He turns to Moses, and asks him to part the waters, and Moses tells him no, he had to retrieve the ball on his own. So Jesus walks out onto the water searching for his golf ball.

About this time, the follow-on foursome approaches the 14th hole, and sees Jesus walking on water. One of the foursome asks Moses who the guy walking on water thinks he is! Jesus Christ?

Moses responds, “no, Arnold Palmer”. 

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A Golf Story

 
 
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later he was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," he says. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer

"my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a  great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

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Mark and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Mark says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering…have you ever cheated on me?”
Becky replies, “Oh Mark, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”
“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…”
“Well, all right. Yes, three times…” she admitted.
“Three? Well, when were they?” he asked.
“Remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start your own business and no bank would give you a loan? And then, one day, the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”
“Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number two?” he asked.
“Remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? And then, how out of the blue, Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?” she said.
“I can’t believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me. I couldn’t be more moved. So, all right then, when was number three?” he asked, racking his brain.
“Remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?”

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Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods all die in a plane crash and arrive at the Gate of Heaven.

God is at the Gate, sitting on his high throne, and says "Wait a minute you guys - before I let you in here, I have to ask you a question - Arnold Palmer, what do you believe in?"

Arnie steps up and says "God, I believe in hitting a hard draw and I believe in signing autographs for all the boys and girls"

God says "Arnold Palmer, those are good things to believe in - you can take this seat down here to my right"

God says "Jack Nicklaus - what do you believe in?"

Jack steps up and says "God, I believe in hitting a high fade, and I believe in paying my caddy a good wage"

God says "Jack Nicklaus - those are good things to believe in. You can take this seat down here to my left"

God says - "OK Tiger Woods! - What do you believe in?"

Tiger looks up at him and says......

"I believe you're in my seat"

😮

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Here are two more I haven't seen yet.

The last words of a Chicago mob boss murdered on the course, where the shooter had been told to kill the first man to step on the 8th tee: "Man, I can't believe I won that hole with a 9!"

Best response to a whiff on the first tee in front of a crowd: guy steps back, wipes his brow and says to his playing partners: "You were right, this IS a tough course!"

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