How do you overcome the 'complainer'?

[Fairway_CY]

Within the group I play with, there is a 'crew' of 4 guys (including myself) that consider ourselves pretty good friends (at least as good of friends as you can find that you only see on the golf course).  We enjoy (for the most part) when we get paired together during our tournaments.  There is 1 guy, however, that just doesn't seem to be aware of his surroundings.  

First off... if you're on the course for 5 hours (pretty typical for a tournament round with this group) with him... his mouth is going the entire time.  He doesn't have an off switch.  That's bad enough... but can be pretty entertaining when things aren't going poorly for him.  That said, if he's having a rough go of it... he's miserable to be around.  

Because pairings are often done by last name and he and are very close on that list, I get paired with him more often than I'd like.  I've grown to accept most of his, ummmmm... intricacies, but when he goes off, it gets a little ridiculous.  

For example, we played together yesterday.  He had a stretch of 4 holes where I couldn't take it.  We were in a cart together and the only thing I could think to do was let him go off.  I stopped speaking to him by the second of the holes during this stretch.  He hit a shot into a hazard and instead of taking the drop and stroke... he decided to try and hack it out.  This resulted in the ball remaining in the hazard.  He then exploded into a tirade about how unfair that hazard is.  He flubbed his shot from there into a bunker and this set him off further.  2 holes later, he and I had similar distance pitch shots... his from the fairway and mine from the rough.  I went first and played a really good shot that hit the fringe and then rolled out to about 2 feet.  His hit the green and checked.  He complained about how unfair that was when it was obvious (to me) that he was going to get more spin on his shot simply because of the lie he had.  The last straw came on the next hole where he hit his ball from a jumpy lie in the rough and it carried beyond the green and landed in some plants.  He wanted to talk to the groundskeeper to chew him out about these plants because his ball was unplayable.  He spent the next 3 minutes around the green stomping, throwing clubs, yelling at the ground and slamming the pin into the hole... then the following 5 minutes until we were able to tee off on the next hole just being miserable.  

I walked away on that tee while we were waiting.  I checked my phone to see if my kids had messaged me and then walked down towards the pond to see if there were any turtles around.  Beyond that... I couldn't escape it.  

I'm not the type to tell someone to shut up... but I was close.  How would you handle a situation like that?  It happens more often than I'd like and being prepared for it may help me a little in the future.

CY

[newtogolf]

I've got a friend who is a lot of fun to be around when he's golfing well and a nightmare when he's not.  When his game is off I usually just let him rant and then when I can't take it any longer say something in a sarcastic, cheerful tone like, "Oh this is a great time, remind me why we don't play more often" and then bust out laughing.  He'll rant a bit longer but usually realizes he's being an ass and apologizes.  

[tdiii]

I've got a friend who I've known for 30 years.  He has always been embarrassing to play with, particularly when introduced to new friends.  I've had multiple conversations with him about what a nightmare he is over the years.  His response, depending on the day, is to point out his improvement (yes, he has improved, but. . .) or to point out that what he's doing shouldn't bother me. 

I gave up and stopped playing with him this year.  I miss him, as this has spilled over to the friendship, but not playing golf with him.  Not one bit. 

[Buckeyebowman]

Employ some of the tactics mentioned above, especially the sarcasm, or just flat out tell this asshole to shut the hell up! It sounds like you're playing with a spoiled, petulant child who grew into a spoiled, petulant adult. Well, adult may be too strong a word, but I can't use the term grownup to apply to him either.

[boogielicious]

14 hours ago, Fairway_CY said:

Within the group I play with, there is a 'crew' of 4 guys (including myself) that consider ourselves pretty good friends (at least as good of friends as you can find that you only see on the golf course).  We enjoy (for the most part) when we get paired together during our tournaments.  There is 1 guy, however, that just doesn't seem to be aware of his surroundings.  

First off... if you're on the course for 5 hours (pretty typical for a tournament round with this group) with him... his mouth is going the entire time.  He doesn't have an off switch.  That's bad enough... but can be pretty entertaining when things aren't going poorly for him.  That said, if he's having a rough go of it... he's miserable to be around.  

Because pairings are often done by last name and he and are very close on that list, I get paired with him more often than I'd like.  I've grown to accept most of his, ummmmm... intricacies, but when he goes off, it gets a little ridiculous.  

For example, we played together yesterday.  He had a stretch of 4 holes where I couldn't take it.  We were in a cart together and the only thing I could think to do was let him go off.  I stopped speaking to him by the second of the holes during this stretch.  He hit a shot into a hazard and instead of taking the drop and stroke... he decided to try and hack it out.  This resulted in the ball remaining in the hazard.  He then exploded into a tirade about how unfair that hazard is.  He flubbed his shot from there into a bunker and this set him off further.  2 holes later, he and I had similar distance pitch shots... his from the fairway and mine from the rough.  I went first and played a really good shot that hit the fringe and then rolled out to about 2 feet.  His hit the green and checked.  He complained about how unfair that was when it was obvious (to me) that he was going to get more spin on his shot simply because of the lie he had.  The last straw came on the next hole where he hit his ball from a jumpy lie in the rough and it carried beyond the green and landed in some plants.  He wanted to talk to the groundskeeper to chew him out about these plants because his ball was unplayable.  He spent the next 3 minutes around the green stomping, throwing clubs, yelling at the ground and slamming the pin into the hole... then the following 5 minutes until we were able to tee off on the next hole just being miserable.  

I walked away on that tee while we were waiting.  I checked my phone to see if my kids had messaged me and then walked down towards the pond to see if there were any turtles around.  Beyond that... I couldn't escape it.  

I'm not the type to tell someone to shut up... but I was close.  How would you handle a situation like that?  It happens more often than I'd like and being prepared for it may help me a little in the future.

CY

If he is truly your friend, tell him it bothers you. A good friend needs to have this told to them. They may react negative at first, but in the long run will appreciate you helping them.

[Jeremie Boop]

I fully admit to being not the best person to play with in the past when I had bad rounds/bad holes. I wouldn't say I was ever to the extreme you mentioned though. I would slam my clubs, sometimes throw them *away from anyone, usually towards the nearest treeline*, shout curse words *still do this on occasion after a bad shot*, and I would sulk and berate myself. I would never blame the course or the groundskeepers, only myself for sucking at golf. I would almost always realize how stupid I looked eventually though and would bring it under control enough to just sit in silence at worst or laugh at myself at best. These days if someone is having a bad round and getting upset I try to point out the good shots they've had, explain that maybe that missed green was a bit of wind push and less a bad strike, or distract them by bringing up some totally non golf related subject. Basically, all the things that people did for me when I was having those same issues.

[uitar9]

Start walking when paired up with him

[Patch]

For me it depends on how entertaining the person might be. If they are not entertaining, I will say something to them. I once asked one guy why he golfed, since his on course attitude was not golf worthy. If that doesn't work, I just shut them out, and ignore them. 

I am not one to let others bother me when I am out golfing. The game is tough enough as it is. I want to be responsible for my own game, and not let others give me an excuse for a poor shot, or round. 

My attitude on this goes all the way back to my first driver's test at that great age of 16. My examiner was being a total jerk. About a mile from the dmv, I'd had enough. I pulled the car over, told him we were done. That he had to get out. I walked back to the dmv where my dad was waiting. 

Edited June 15, 2016 by Patch

[Jeremie Boop]

1 hour ago, uitar9 said:

Start walking when paired up with him

Actually, that's a pretty good way to deal with it. That way if they ask why you are walking you can either be upfront about it or just act like you felt like you needed the extra exercise.

[jkelley9]

I wouldn't tolerate that. I'm not an aggressive guy by any means, I'm actually quite passive. But if I'm on the golf course I'm there to enjoy the nature, the calmness, and get some fresh air. All that complaining would set me off. What he's doing is completely different than the guy that hits a bad shot and lets out a under-his-breath or even a slightly elevated voice tone profanity. I can understand that and easily tolerate it so long as 5 seconds later he/she is back to normal and gets over it.

It's golf. It's a hard game. We're not pros. Even pros make mistakes. The idiot you're dealing with apparently thinks the course is somehow playing to HIS disadvantage when the reality is it's the SAME COURSE for all golfers in the field.

I would calmly bring up that I'm out here to enjoy myself and that it's difficult to do with the level of complaining. I would try to leave it at that and let him figure out the rest on his own. If he flips out at me bringing it up than I would bring it up at the front, whether they can do anything about it or not.

[bkuehn1952]

Ask the "committee" or group that sets up tournament groupings to place you anywhere but in his group.  If they can do that, then you can decide whether to tell him why you no longer get paired up or just stay quiet.  If your desire to not be in his group can't be accommodated, then some of the other suggestions might work, including:

1. Walking

2. Asking him to stop talking when riding in the cart or on the tee

It is unlikely he is going to change so you need to remove yourself from his presence as much as possible on the golf course and provide him some clear guidelines for when you must be near him. 

 

[Groucho Valentine]

1 hour ago, uitar9 said:

Start walking when paired up with him

This. 

I hate when people poison the round with negativity. You can confront him, but it likely won't change his behavior. Folks who act out in that way do so because they have poor impluse control. Cant change that with a talk. Dude needs meds or something...

[Gator Hazard]

2 hours ago, Jeremie Boop said:

I fully admit to being not the best person to play with in the past when I had bad rounds/bad holes. I wouldn't say I was ever to the extreme you mentioned though. I would slam my clubs, sometimes throw them *away from anyone, usually towards the nearest treeline*, shout curse words *still do this on occasion after a bad shot*, and I would sulk and berate myself. I would never blame the course or the groundskeepers, only myself for sucking at golf. I would almost always realize how stupid I looked eventually though and would bring it under control enough to just sit in silence at worst or laugh at myself at best. These days if someone is having a bad round and getting upset I try to point out the good shots they've had, explain that maybe that missed green was a bit of wind push and less a bad strike, or distract them by bringing up some totally non golf related subject. Basically, all the things that people did for me when I was having those same issues.

Golf is crazy. I have sworn out loud after completely messing up but try not to do that too often. Off topic but I love having a house on a golf course. I was in the kitchen looking out and a guy totally fatted/flubbed a short pitch shot. He got so pissed off he chucked his club about 25 yards into the fairway. I laughed my ass off, living on a course is better than tv at times. 

Edited June 15, 2016 by Gator Hazard

[Jeremie Boop]

Just now, Gator Hazard said:

Golf is crazy. I have sworn out loud after completely messing up but try not to do that too often. Off topic but I love having a house on a golf course. I was in the kitchen looking out and a guy totally fatted/flubbed a shirt pitch shot. He got so pissed off he chucked his club about 25 yards into the fairway. I laughed my ass off, living on a course is better than tv at times. 

Nothing made me feel as stupid and ashamed as the walk to pick up a club I had thrown, rofl.

[tdiii]

It's funny.  It bothers me not in the least when a guy, say after chunking three chips, loses it, curses and spikes a club.  As long as he calms down and is a good sport thereafter, perhaps teasing himself about how bad he is or how poor a club thrower he is.  In short, the odd outburst is fine with me.  It is the sustained carrying on and whining that I have no tolerance for.  Luckily, I haven't run into it since excommunicating the one friend. 

[dave s]

Golf requires a certain temperament to keep things in balance.  A few folks simply don't have it and can't seem to keep their emotions in check.  Like others have said, looks like you have a couple of choices: 1) speak up to your friend and let him know that his negativity is making an activity that is supposed to be fun, very much UNFUN; 2) don't play with him anymore.  He'll get the picture.

Couple of Saturdays ago, I picked a new course for our group to play.  Fast greens that are what some would describe as hogsback or turtle back type greens.  Lots of false fronts, undulating with big breaks.  Even putts that look straight fool you with subtle break.  One guy was having a time of it with the greens.  Of course all of the blame was on the course and not that he was simply unfamiliar and possibly overmatched on the greens.  At one point, the guy riding with him asked, 'can we trade cart-mates?'

It happens.

dave

[paininthenuts]

20 hours ago, Fairway_CY said:

Within the group I play with, there is a 'crew' of 4 guys (including myself) that consider ourselves pretty good friends (at least as good of friends as you can find that you only see on the golf course).  We enjoy (for the most part) when we get paired together during our tournaments.  There is 1 guy, however, that just doesn't seem to be aware of his surroundings.  

First off... if you're on the course for 5 hours (pretty typical for a tournament round with this group) with him... his mouth is going the entire time.  He doesn't have an off switch.  That's bad enough... but can be pretty entertaining when things aren't going poorly for him.  That said, if he's having a rough go of it... he's miserable to be around.  

Because pairings are often done by last name and he and are very close on that list, I get paired with him more often than I'd like.  I've grown to accept most of his, ummmmm... intricacies, but when he goes off, it gets a little ridiculous.  

For example, we played together yesterday.  He had a stretch of 4 holes where I couldn't take it.  We were in a cart together and the only thing I could think to do was let him go off.  I stopped speaking to him by the second of the holes during this stretch.  He hit a shot into a hazard and instead of taking the drop and stroke... he decided to try and hack it out.  This resulted in the ball remaining in the hazard.  He then exploded into a tirade about how unfair that hazard is.  He flubbed his shot from there into a bunker and this set him off further.  2 holes later, he and I had similar distance pitch shots... his from the fairway and mine from the rough.  I went first and played a really good shot that hit the fringe and then rolled out to about 2 feet.  His hit the green and checked.  He complained about how unfair that was when it was obvious (to me) that he was going to get more spin on his shot simply because of the lie he had.  The last straw came on the next hole where he hit his ball from a jumpy lie in the rough and it carried beyond the green and landed in some plants.  He wanted to talk to the groundskeeper to chew him out about these plants because his ball was unplayable.  He spent the next 3 minutes around the green stomping, throwing clubs, yelling at the ground and slamming the pin into the hole... then the following 5 minutes until we were able to tee off on the next hole just being miserable.  

I walked away on that tee while we were waiting.  I checked my phone to see if my kids had messaged me and then walked down towards the pond to see if there were any turtles around.  Beyond that... I couldn't escape it.  

I'm not the type to tell someone to shut up... but I was close.  How would you handle a situation like that?  It happens more often than I'd like and being prepared for it may help me a little in the future.

CY

My suggestion is to hit him in the face with a putter. If he continues to annoy you, work your way through the bag until you get to the driver. It's very unusual for anyone to survive any further than a 7 iron, so don't worry 

[mcanadiens]

I can admit that I am the nightmare. It's something I've worked on a lot and progress has been made, but there's a lot left to go.

 For what it's worth, I've noticed the following things. 1) I get far more angry playing alone than when I play with anyone. 2) Certain people tend to aggravate me and other people have a calming effect.

Playing with the right people is important for me.