Golf Wives and Balance

[Gigi]

Second wife here. New to site. My spouse (BT began golf in his 20's a sport he could  play alone) . Then he married in his 30's, had kids, worked 45 hours or more weekly and played golf nearly every Saturday,  golf trips with 4-some once twice a year.  Never taking his wife, never teaching his kids, excluded them completely.  Saturday golfing was from 4 to 5 am to 7 to 8 pm. Long drive to meet up with the 4-some. Fast forward,  his kids got into trouble, wife became addicted to substance, he divorced and stopped playing for about 8 years. Now remarried for 4 years and had said he gave it up. His gym time 2 days a week are his me time,  his shopping is his me time, his yard and gardening is his me time, his TV sports is his me time.  Now he's decided to play again.  We are both retired.... I could have never been his prior wife being NEGLECTED the way she was. I'm fine with golf but not the way I suspect it's going to go. He knows this. I'm going to learn to play so we can play together.  But he clearly stated (your not going on my golf trips).  Yes marriage is balance.  But just how much ME TIME does a guy need?  Is this his new addiction,  is this his MISTRESS?  He told me a round of golf is all day. Then drinks afterwards.   Is it reasonable for me to meet him for drinks afterwards?  Is it not reasonable for me to go with him see the country while he golf's?  I'm in a brand new community I haven't any friends who can do anything with. No family or kids or cousins. etc. Everyone at my church are busy with their kids and family.  How do I give him his freedom with golf and not begin to resent him for it?  So male golfers if you golf once a week,  do you also take your wife out once a week,  if you golf trip twice a year do you take your wife somewhere twice a year. Sharing a home and passing each other in the hall isn't quality time, and every together time can't be SPORTS.   New marriage here how do I give him what he needs but also get what I need. I refuse to be second to GOLF. How much golf in one month is reasonable provided he's giving to me the quality time I need and deserve. Only a golfer could answer this. Yes we have been to counseling he was told he's selfish and he needed to change. 

[iacas]

I'm not a therapist and I don't have all of the answers here, but I think any successful relationship — a real relationship — begins with communication.

If you've been to counseling, and he's been told that he's selfish and needs to change, and doesn't want to, then he's made the choice, and it's up to you how many more chances you want to give him. But take care of yourself, too. It's not wrong to put yourself first.

Good luck. We're happy to listen if you want to share anything else.

[klineka]

40 minutes ago, Gigi said:

Saturday golfing was from 4 to 5 am to 7 to 8 pm

He told me a round of golf is all day. Then drinks afterwards. 

I'm not going to give relationship advice, but those two are the ones I have issue with.

Golf doesnt HAVE to be an all day, 14 hour event, he's choosing for it to be that.

I have a wife and a 5 month old son and I still manage to golf 2-3x a month on Saturdays without issue or complaint from my wife. My foursome makes it a point to grab one of the first tee times, usually around 7-7:30, and we are done and on our way home by noon. Occasionally (maybe once every 4th or 5th round on average) we will grab lunch and a drink afterwards, but when we do that pretty much everyone in our foursome grabs a to-go order and takes it home for the wife as well.

We have found that little things like that (teeing off at 7 vs 8:30, bringing lunch home with us, etc) give us the best of both worlds, we get to golf and the wives don't mind since we still have most of the rest of the day to hang out with each other/kids.

[Bucki1968]

I have a bit of experience with this from a first marriage. My first wife was not a golfer (not an out-door girl, which is one of the two kinds of girls I classified back then, long story for a different topic) so she didn't play. I suppose I could have tried a little harder to get her to play but just never did. I was working as a club pro at the time and was gone all the time. She decided that she needed something else for her and dumped me. I did, however, learn the lesson. If was going to do it again, she would have to be a golfer/outdoor girl. I play golf with her as much (probably more) than anyone else. We take golf trips together. We play with other couples. Not sure where you are playing golf, but most clubs have some sort of "nine and dine" for couples at least once a month. Go play in those. They are fun and you get to meet new people (which may lead to you playing with ladies and making some new friends). As stated above I am not a therapist either, but it sounds like you are willing to try and find a way to be included and yes meeting for drinks should be reasonable afterwards. I'm not sure how much "me" time someone needs, and I do go on some golfing trips without the wife, but she is normally good with it because it gets me out of her way around the house for stuff she wants to destroy and re-do. I think if you start playing with your husband, he's going to warm up to the idea of including you. But that is based on my personal experience. I learned the hard one once and decided to fix it. Not sure if this helps. I wish I could give you a better answer. 

[Jeremie Boop]

I agree with the "golf is an all day thing" being extreme and that he's choosing to make it that way. Not taking you on the golf trips, meh, I can go both ways on that. If he's doing 2 trips a year then my position would be you should at least be able to go along for one of them. I think he's extremely lucky that you've decided to take up golf so you can go with him. I wish my wife would have gone that route. All that said, it does seem like he needs an excessive amount of "me time" based on your description of all the activities he does alone. That in and of itself is more concerning to me than the golfing is an all day thing and the men only golf trips. I've tried to find activities that my wife will join me in doing, not exclude her from things that she wants to join me on.

Edited October 6, 2022 by Jeremie Boop

[Gigi]

All very nice input. I used to be an athlete.  Tennis,  cycling. Horses, softball,  bowling,  you name it. I love sports. But older now changed thi gs a bit. Ty for your input.

[mcanadiens]

Being very single, I'm not qualified to speak to most of it, but golf certainly does not need to be an all-day thing.

An excruciatingly slow round shouldn't be much more than five hours and most of us hope to make that more like four. Even with a beverage or two afterward, there ought to still be half a day left.

I do have demands on my time and have found that playing nine holes instead of 18 fits very nicely. 

 

Edited October 6, 2022 by mcanadiens

[Darkfrog]

I think it's important to find a balance that works for the relationship. I got back into golf sometime after my second kid was born almost 7 years ago. Even with two young kids, I have been able to play golf once a week without any interruption. My wife and I have different personal interests with a few things that overlap. I enjoy golf, coffee, and cooking and she allows me the freedom to pursue these interests. I do the same for her. As far as me time, she loves working out, so 3-4 times a week she goes to various boot camps and group workouts. We always try to schedule 1-2 family things a week, usually with the kids, but if we have childcare lined up, we do a date night.

4 hours ago, Gigi said:

He told me a round of golf is all day. Then drinks afterwards.

This is simply ridiculous. The longest round of golf I have ever played was somewhere between 5-6 hours, and that was in a tournament where play is naturally more slow because everyone takes a little more time on each shot. Even if I travel to a course with my friends, and include a meal and drinks afterward, I am rarely away for more than 8 hours.

[billchao]

4 hours ago, Gigi said:

Yes we have been to counseling he was told he's selfish and he needed to change. 

I think this is a bigger problem with the situation than the golf. Golf doesn’t need to be an all day affair and it doesn’t need to exclude a significant other, one that is willing to learn and share in the experience to boot.

I have a friend I play with on occasion. His significant other does not play golf but occasionally she will come out to meet up with us at the bar afterwards, which is perfectly fine. He doesn’t play golf to get away from his SO, it’s just something he enjoys that she does not. They travel quite a bit together.

[jefkve]

I'm going to echo the sentiments shared thus far and say the problem is your husband and not golf. I took golf up years ago at my wife's suggestion. After years of mentioning that she might enjoy it, she now plays golf with me from time to time. I still golf by myself, and its not an issue as I'm sensitive to the fact that she likes having me around (i.e. I dont turn a round of golf into a full day event). Good luck to you!

[jmanbooyaa]

When I was first dating my wife I sent her a picture of me on the golf course with snow falling around me. She still has that pic saved. I golf every weekend sometimes 3 times a week if its a holiday. All my golf buddies are single and are amazed that I can golf as much as I do. When they asked her she simply said I knew going into it how much he liked to play golf. Now, unless there is a function she doesn’t care. I also have 3 kids.  Usually I golf very early in the am. This year no so much. I have been working from home for 3 years so it isn’t like she doesn’t see me or I don’t see the kids. Some wives just don’t care that much about the small things in life. 

[mdl]

Sounds like he's rejected any consideration that he might want to prioritize having a relationship with you over any minute of any personal activity, including watching TV, and tries to defend himself by labeling every one of those activities necessary me time. Sure hope he's got other redeeming qualities.

5am to 7pm is an absolutely insane golf day schedule. Even for a retired guy. If he's leaving at 5am, even with a drive and a warmup his round has to start by 7am. So done by 11:30am. LONG lunch with a few beers until... 1:30pm? Then... avoiding his family for another 6 hours?

 

Edited October 6, 2022 by mdl

[iacas]

50 minutes ago, jmanbooyaa said:

When I was first dating my wife I sent her a picture of me on the golf course with snow falling around me. She still has that pic saved. I golf every weekend sometimes 3 times a week if its a holiday. All my golf buddies are single and are amazed that I can golf as much as I do. When they asked her she simply said I knew going into it how much he liked to play golf. Now, unless there is a function she doesn’t care. I also have 3 kids.  Usually I golf very early in the am. This year no so much. I have been working from home for 3 years so it isn’t like she doesn’t see me or I don’t see the kids. Some wives just don’t care that much about the small things in life. 

When you play on the weekends, you're not gone for 12 hours like the OP's husband seems to be.

[jmanbooyaa]

That is true. 12 hours is excessive. I lose my shit when I hit the 5 hour mark. 

[Vinsk]

Wives should be glad these husbands don’t play 12U baseball. You’re gone from 6am-8pm Sat-Sun. So clear your weekends because if it ain’t baseball, you’re not doing it.

[Gigi]

Went to driving range today alone hit 3 buckets of balls and chipped. Very few divits, 125 yards straight a few right sided balls but mostly straight on. One miss with pitching wedge. The shop pro said "your a natural".  Imagine that..🤷‍♀️😁

[dennyjones]

12 minutes ago, Gigi said:

Went to driving range today alone hit 3 buckets of balls and chipped. Very few divits, 125 yards straight a few right sided balls but mostly straight on. One miss with pitching wedge. The shop pro said "your a natural".  Imagine that..🤷‍♀️😁

If you have a real interest in learning to play golf, find a good teaching pro.   It will be more enjoyable.   

[Denny Bang Bang]

@Gigi This is going to sound blunt… it sounds like a relationship problem more than a husband who likes to golf a lot problem.  That I don’t have advice for, only you can decide what you accept out of a relationship.

Personally, I’d love if my wife wanted to golf with me.  But she doesn’t, so we figure out other ways to spend time with each other.

Regarding golf, it’s a great game.  Play it because you enjoy it, vs just pretending to enjoy it to get more of his attention.  (and that’s not to imply that you are pretending)  If you’re a sporty woman, I believe you’ll find you really enjoy the game, regardless of your husband.  Take some lessons, find a casual womens league, maybe join a golf Meetup group.  Find your own joy in it.